Helping out our friends and family can be a dangerous prospect.
Of course, we always want to help our friends when they need it, simply because it seems like the right thing to do.
However, helping out a friend once might lead them to believe that they can consistently expect help from us, even when we aren't capable of providing it.
Sometimes when friends ask for help, we learn far too late that they didn't need our help as much as they let on.
Redditor babewcute's roommate recently asked for their help, claiming they were in a sticky situation.
Wanting to be a good friend and roommate, the original poster (OP) was happy to oblige.
However, the OP later discovered that their roommate had not been completely honest with them, and they immediately revoked their help.
After being told by some of their friends that they overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to help my friend pay rent after she spent her money on concert tickets?"
The OP explained why they revoked their promise to help their roommate:
"Currently, I live in an apartment with my friend, and we split everything 50/50 — rent, utilities, etc."
"It's not a fancy apartment, but we make it work."
"I am a student with a part-time job, and my friend works full-time."
"Last week, rent was due."
"The day before, she told me she couldn't cover her half because her paycheck was short and asked if I could spot her until the next one."
"I was kinda stressed but agreed to help her since it's a one-time thing."
"However, the next day I saw her Instagram story."
"She was at a huge concert for one of her favorite artists."
"I asked her about it, and she admitted she bought the tickets a month ago, and said she couldn't pass up the chance and didn't think her finances would be this tight by now."
"I was furious and told her it wasn't fair to make me cover rent while she's out spending on luxuries."
"She told me I was being harsh and that her experiences matter too, and I would've done the same."
"I told her I wouldn't because I actually budget for my responsibilities."
"And I don't overspend."
"Now we haven't talked in a few days because she thinks I'm being selfish and cold."
"Some my friends say i should be more understanding because mental health matters and music is her escape."
"I don't want to be heartless, but I also don't want to be someone's safety net when they make poor choices."
"AITA for refusing to cover her rent?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to cover their share of their roommate's rent.
Everyone agreed that the issue was not so much that their roommate spent money on a concert, but instead that she lied to the OP, with some pointing out her tending to her "mental health" ended up negatively affecting the OP's mental health.
"NTA."
"She's defensive because she got caught!"
"She's mad at you because you called her out for spending money she didn't have."
"She needs to learn the old rule: keep half of your rent/mortgage payment amount from your 1st paycheck and put it aside."
"Then, when you get paid again, add that half to half of your current paycheck and there you go: there's your rent money."
"Everything left over is for utilities, food, car insurance, gas, and whatever other bills you have."
"If there's anything left over after paying everything, THAT'S your spending money."
"She should never spend money for entertainment or extras until her obligations have been met."
"Even then, she should put a few dollars away in case of emergencies."
"I hope she pays you back plus a little extra for interest."
"Have her sign a little note in case you have to take her to a small claims court or something."
"Write down something like this: 'I, so-and-so promise to repay (your name) the amount of _____ .'"
"Then sign it first then have her sign it."
"Put the date on it, too."- LoveBeach8
"NTA."
"She knew rent was coming up but still chose to blow her money on a concert, expecting you to clean up her mess."
"That ain't an experience that's simply irresponsibility you ain't her parent or her bank she gotta learn to prioritize."- Younggod9
"NTA."
"She took advantage of you and lied by omission."
"If one of those friends cares about her mental health so much they should pay for her concert ticket."- tinap3056
"NTA."
"She prioritized a concert over rent."
"That's not a mental health thing."
"That's poor planning."
"You're not her safety net and not selfish."- manylightg
"NTA."
"Her escapes don't have to cost the rent money."
"She is irresponsible and wants you to bail her out."- Odd_Task8211
"Mental health matters?"
"Yeah, so does OP's mental health."
"Her roommate is causing her financial stress, and that's unfair."
"Know what else matters?"
"Having a roof over your head."
"If the roommate continues to neglect necessities and prioritize trivial things like concerts, she'll be homeless."
"I wonder what her mental health will be like then."
"NTA."
"I'd move or find a new roommate."
"Don't ever lend your roommate again."
"Not even a penny."- Katiew84
"NTA."
"It's not the messing up for me, it's the lying."
"She could have confessed that she was stupid with her money and she needs help and will pay you back, and you could've made your choice from there."
"Instead she lied about the reason, and when confronted won't even admit to making a mistake."- exorcius
"Answering your question in the last line: no, absolutely 100% not."
"What actually happened here is that she manipulated you into giving her a loan by lying -- basically, if you do this to a person in the lending business, this is a fraud, clear and simple."
"If all of this interaction were properly documented, in a lawsuit you roomie/friend would be toast in a second."
"IOW, what she did was wrong, so wrong that we actually created laws around this kind of thing."
"NTA."
"Stand your ground here; if you capitulate to her manipulation, you will just be setting yourself up for more abuse in the future."
"Don't f*ck around with your finances, that sh*t can stay with you for a long long time."- Sea_no_evil
"Oh, for crying out loud."
"Your friends are stupid."
"You pay your bills before you go play."
"That's what adults do."
"You need a new roommate."
"She basically has you covering her rent so she can go party."
"NTA, but stand up for yourself."- ivylass
"NTA."
"You save money for luxuries; you don't go into debt for them."
"Yes, mental health matters, and yours is more important to you than hers."
"Her dumping her debt onto you is certainly not good for YOUR mental health."- Gigglemage
"NTA, attending a concert has nothing to do with mental health."
"Nothing, don't let ppl gaslight u into thinking that it does."
"If she spent the money on counseling services or prescription medication, then she is taking care of her mental health."
"Spending her rent money on a concert ticket was straight up irresponsible and selfish."
"What if you did the same and neither of u had the tent money?"
"She could have streamed her favorite band and escaped through music."- That_Cash_7469
"NTA."
"It's not about the concert."
"it's about trust."
"You helped her thinking it was a real need, not a budgeting mistake."
"Everyone deserves fun and mental health breaks, but not at the expense of someone else's kindness."
"If she needs support, honesty should come first."- Available-Offer634
"NTA."
"A trip around the world would help my mental health, but I don't take one because I can't afford it."
"She's using you to pay her rent while she blows her money on concerts she can't afford."
"You probably shouldn't sign another lease with her."- WatercoLorCurtain
"NTA."
"Soooo…..you know any friends with a designer handbag or shoes?"
"Something that's valued at about half the rent and friend would let you borrow for a day?"
"Cause Petty Me says to show up with it the day before rent is due and tell roommate she was right."
"Luxuries do matter!"
"Shopping is your mental health escape, so you bought this amazing bag!"
"Oh, and she doesn't mind covering rent, right?"
"Cause she of all people understands how important making yourself happy is."
"Oh, and tell the 'friends' that when they pay your rent, they can decide if you're being harsh."
"But since you're the one risking eviction and being homeless because of someone else's bad decisions, kindly piss off."- Sugar_Mama76
The OP's roommate isn't wrong to believe that everyone deserves to splurge on themselves for their mental health every now and then.
However, those splurges shouldn't be made if it will prevent people from paying their rent and bills.
Nor should other people help cover those splurges.
Even so, the OP's roommate likely would have saved herself a whole lot of trouble had she simply been honest in the first place.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp