Battle for the remote control in a household can be a struggle.
Families have crumbled over it. Even in this day and age of endless ways to consume media, for many, there is still something to be said for owning the living room TV.
Who gets to watch what and why? And for how long?
This can turn into a Hunger Games situation.
Redditor ThisIsUrMoment wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for taking over the living room to watch a TV show my husband doesn't like every Friday night?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (F[emale] 35) husband (M[ale] 35) and I live in a relatively small house with one area to watch TV."
"We do have an unfinished basement that currently contains an area for working out, an area for doing laundry, and then the rest is storage."
"For context, I do not work on Fridays, but my husband does."
"My favorite show is RuPaul's Drag Race, which airs on Friday nights."
"My husband does not like this show, which is his right, and when I watch it, he feels the need to go in the basement for the entire hour and a half that it's on."
"It's recently caused a lot of contention in our relationship because he feels that he shouldn't have to be relegated to the basement on Friday nights after he works hard."
"This is the only show that I watch when it airs, and I don't like to record it and watch it later because I don't want to see spoilers on social media, which are nearly impossible for me to avoid."
"I just don't think I'm being unreasonable by wanting to watch one show on one night of the week for an hour and a half. I'm not forcing him to go to the basement. He could easily go into the bedroom instead."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Tell me Reddit, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"So he hates the show so much he couldn't stand going to the bedroom or staying in the main room doing something else even with headphones?"
"Phones and computers can stream entertainment quite easily in various forms."
"Whining about not controlling the entertainment once a week for only the weeks the show is airing new episodes sounds like picking a fight."
"He's being dramatic."
"He could even go for a walk or spend time with friends. NTA." ~ TheGirlOnFireAndIce
"NTA. It's his choice to sashay away. Nobody is telling him where to go."
"So Shantay, you stay."
"If he seriously can't deal with you spending 90 whole minutes a week doing something you like that he's not into, that's a pretty shi**y husband, to be honest." ~ kittygattochat
"Exactly this."
"I rarely enjoy reality shows but I absolutely love Drag Race!!"
"Just amazing to see how skilled the contestants are; they are so creative, and I love seeing the looks they come up with."
"You are NTA at all."
"Couples have different tastes sometimes, which is a good thing."
"If you support and respect your partner then you allow them to do what they love, you even encourage it because it makes them happy."
"He doesn't have to like it, but a supportive partner would pop you a bowl of popcorn, tuck you into the couch with your favorite beverage, and then cuddle up with their AirPods and watch something on their phone."
"Your husband is throwing a fit because he can't control 90 minutes of your entire week and is much more focused on placing his comfort and ego over your one simple pleasure."
"Also- my (ex) husband didn't want to watch it at first, but he still sat with me and played on his phone."
"By the end of the episode, he was invested, and we watched every single season together and even saw the show live when they came to San Diego!" ~ liftlovelive
"NTA... he doesn't need to go to the basement."
"He decides to go to the basement."
"He could wear headphones and watch something on his phone if he wanted to."
"He could also go to your bedroom instead of the basement if that's an option."
"He's intentionally making it inconvenient for him because he isn't getting his way." ~ crayonbox
"NTA. Why can't he just work out while the show is on?"
"Is he unable to entertain himself for five minutes alone?"
"Could he not use this time to get a second TV?"
"Complaining so much about the few hours that you watch your favorite show makes no sense."
"Perhaps something bigger is going on." ~ youjumpIjumpJac
"I can sympathize with this pretty well."
"My family wanted to watch this stupid overly dramatic renovation show and I didn't."
"So I play my computer when they watch it."
"So NTA as it's really easy to just not watch TV for a while." ~ Archon-Toten
"NTA. He chooses to remove himself from the room."
"He can pop in earbuds and read, social media, do any other hobby, etc."
"He can watch his own show on his phone."
"My husband watches football on the weekends."
"I don't enjoy football."
"I sit with him and read."
"We're together and close, but not having to communicate and doing our own things." ~ Sometimesitsamonkey
"This is what I do with my partner when he's playing video games I read and listen to his game."
"We do watch football together. 😉🏈"
"Definitely NTA; there are days I have a show going in the living room, and my boyfriend will watch something in the kitchen while cooking dinner."
"OP's husband is being a twit." ~ Thats-Not-My-Name-80
"Hey OP. My sister loves all the reality shows on TLC."
"Personally, I don't like them at all and find them annoying."
"But guess what?"
"When we lived together in a 2-bedroom apartment, I never once insinuated she couldn't watch them."
"Sometimes I'd sit and watch them with her."
"Other times I'd put on headphones and listen to something else when I was in the kitchen/living room."
"I like a lot of dark TV shows that my boyfriend doesn't enjoy."
"Sometimes he watches them with me, and other times he sits next to me on the couch and plays a video game on his computer so we can have 'together alone time.'"
"Your husband is being ridiculous."
"Has he never lived with another person before and had to share spaces?" ~ Egoteen
"NTA. Is he not capable of going out of the house or showering or doing anything else besides moping in the basement?"
"I get that he's tired after work… okay then, maybe go do something fun with friends or shower and go to bed, play on your phone- it's not that hard to find something to do for an hour and a half once a week." ~ jessisoldschool
"One of the great parts about being an adult is having the ability to make our own decisions."
"He can choose not to watch it, find something else he wants to do instead, and not make a federal case out of it."
"Problem solved!" ~ Boston_Jayhawk
"NTA. It's one show, one night."
"It's not EVERY FRIDAY FOREVER."
"He can either get himself a headset and do 'separate activities together,' hang in your bedroom, or do a combo of those things and be in the basement if he just truly cannot handle hearing the sound of drag queens once a week." ~ Violet_Squid
"NTA. I watch TV on my laptop with headphones almost every night because my partner and I have differing tastes."
"I don't whine about it."
"I'm sure your husband can cope with 1.5 hours on a Friday for a few weeks a year." ~ Ornery_Crab
"NTA. You don't FORCE him to stay in the basement."
"He could literally be anywhere in the house, but he feels the need to hide in the basement."
"Sounds like he's afraid he's gonna be attracted to a drag queen 💀." ~ ginger_enbie
"NTA. So… I grew up in a 90s household with two TVs and 5 other people - no smartphones/tablets."
"When the TVs were occupied on programs somebody didn't want to watch, we did literally anything else."
"Today, when I don't want to watch a 'particular football game of the week,' I put on a podcast, watch videos on my phone on the couch, fold laundry, read a book, work on a hobby…"
"He could problem-solve here and is choosing not to." ~ quidyn
"NTA. One show, one night a week."
"He can deal."
"Does the man have friends? Hobbies?"
"Great time for a guy's night dinner with his buddies, run to the gym, read a damn book."
"Anything but sulk like a threatened baby, basically." ~ GreenEggsSteamedHams
"NTA... lol. Perhaps treat him like the toddler he's behaving like."
"Affirm his feelings and give him some compassionate suggestions of how to look at the situation differently, while firmly but kindly holding your boundaries strong."
"He'll learn eventually. Lol." ~ bloopidbloroscope
"NTA. It's not as though you're saying 'Begone! Off to the basement with you!'"
"He's choosing to go to the basement instead of the bedroom because the basement works better for his "pitiful neglected husband" shtick."
"Don't fall for it."
"Obviously people can like or not like whatever they want, but is this some sort of homophobia thing?" ~ Creepy_Creme_9161
"NTA. When my spouse watches his car shows, I pop in one earbud to listen to a podcast or audiobook and crochet, journal, or play games on my iPad."
"With just one bud in, I can still converse here and there, but it still provides a welcome distraction to Clarkson." ~ lolagranolacan
"NTA. It's an hour and a half."
"My husband and I spend lots of time together on the couch with our dogs."
"If I'm watching a show he's not interested in, he watches stuff on his phone."
"And vice versa."
"Your husband's issue is the content as others have suggested."
"Highly doubt he'd shun the TV and hide in the basement if the show was Chicago Med or something else along those lines." ~ Allthetea159
"Sounds like he's got an hour and a half every week to finish the basement, NTA." ~ schec1
"NTA. There are plenty of shows my wife likes to watch that I don't (not Drag Race though, we both love it and I was actually the one who got her into it), and when she wants to watch one of hers I."
"Play a game on Xbox."
"Or tinker with my 3D printer."
"Or play with the cats."
"Or read a book."
"Or watch YouTube."
"Or post on Reddit."
"Or do the dishes."
"Or write some code for a project."
"Or exercise."
"Or literally, any other thing I'm interested in."
"Him finding something else to do for a single 90 minutes a week shouldn't be a problem."
"Is TV literally the only thing he likes to do?"
"If so, that's sad."
"Obviously NTA." ~ jrallen7
"NTA. He can shasay stay in the basement." ~ Ok_Cap9557
"NTA. Football season."
"The entire household is ignored for 4 hrs 2-3 times a week." ~ Peskypoints
"NTA. He's not relegated to the basement; he's choosing to go to the basement."
"He could be anywhere else in the house and ignore what you're watching." ~ Kirstemis
"NTA. There are moments of give and take."
"Does he ever watch shows you don't like?"
"As long as these things are considered and discussed, he should be okay with you watching your fave show for 16 weeks." ~ Bootiebloot
"NTA. When my fam watches something I don't want to or like, I go to my Cher Shed or my room and do my thing."
"Case closed." ~ Piano-Beginning
OP had a response...
"I want to add some context because I feel like some of you guys are getting the wrong idea about my husband, and that's my fault for not being clearer in my original post."
"He is not a homophobic or transphobic person; he just doesn't like reality shows and finds this particular show to be extremely annoying."
"I do not fault him for this, as he is into stuff that I find annoying as well."
"But he is not hateful or have anything against drag queens; it's just not his thing, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with."
Reddit supports you, OP.
Your husband is being over the top.
It's your house as well.
It's only an hour and a half, once a week.
He'll survive.
Yes, people living together need to learn how to share space. That's a two-way street situation.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp