During the pandemic, a lot of people who never considered working from home (WFH) were suddenly required to do so. Some adapted easily while others had trouble separating work life from home life.
A stay at home mom (SAHM) whose husband is trying to work from home and parent at the same time turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
McGuyblow asked:
"AITA—I (36, female stay at home mom) told my husband (36, male who works from home) that he should start working at the office?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have pretty different parenting styles. He is a lot more about strict guidelines and cleaning, etc... than I am."
"Don't get me wrong, I want things clean and ask my daughter to clean her toys at night just like him. But staying at home with our 2 kids (3 year old and 5 month old), I don't feel like negotiating with my toddler all day and fighting every little thing with her."
"Husband got upset that I let her get more toys out when there's already some out, and told me in front of her that I shouldn't let her have more toys when she already has some out. He also said he asked her to clean up some toys in her room, but that she isn't listening and now I let her have more."
"I didn't know he asked her to clean up some toys. I told him that's his job to follow through his parenting when he asked her to clean up some toys—he didn't follow through."
"I didn't ask her, he did, in my opinion, it wasn't my battle. I was going to have her clean up her toys later on in the day. Because otherwise more will come out anyways."
"So I told him maybe he should go work in office so that I'm not getting micromanaged during my job—stay-at-home mom (SAHM). He said I'm a jerk for saying that and now isn't talking to me."
"Am I the a-hole?"
"I genuinely feel justified in just wanting to handle what I do at home while he focuses on work and stops trying to push his parenting style on me when I'm already just trying to survive and sleep deprived."
"I end up being in a bad mood or frustrated after and then I have less patience for my kids which makes me even more frustrated."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told my husband to stop being home so much so that I stop getting micromanaged. I should appreciate that he gets to stay home and help me out."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, he IS micromanaging you. It's pretty demeaning - it's not like you're an employee and he is literally the boss of you, although he is really trying to get you to come around to thinking of him as The Boss."
"If it's feasible in terms of the baby's feeding schedule, consider leaving him with both kids and going away for the weekend (or at the very least, a whole 8-hour day at a spa), so he can spend all his time arguing with your toddler and see what hills he feels like dying on after that." ~ Dreamy-Mimi
"And don't prep a single thing, and make sure you leave a list of things you usually get done that he needs to do- clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry, prep dinner, read to toddler, work on her numbers or letters, etc..." ~ utahforever79
"This brings up a good point. Clearly, he didn't die on the hill of 'clean up your toys' when he was the one who gave the instruction, then berated OP for not enforcing his uncommunicated wishes!" ~ Entire-Ad2058
"NTA. Kid is 3, and being that strict with a 3-year-old is exhausting. You are not wrong to object to him trying to manage how you parent without him communicating what he told the kid or handling his own sh*t instead of foisting it on OP." ~ Zestyclose-Height-36
"My son was not able to comprehend a full explanation as to why he needed to clean up. Around four, and especially now at five years old, he understands when I negotiate with him. He may have taken longer to understand stuff, but now that he does, he is a magnificent negotiator." ~ Salt-Improvement-263
"As a SAHM too, NTA. I've had conversations similar to this, not with my husband but my parents. My mother made us keep our toys in our rooms as children, in contrast, my kids have toys that stay in our living room."
"I don't follow my 3-year-old around all day picking stuff up as soon as she puts it down, and they think I should. It's just not important to me."
"I was a child who stayed in my bedroom, and my kids are rarely in theirs. I allow them some freedom, because it's their house too, and we all clean up at the end of the day together."
"If he thinks toys on the floor should be one of your most important battles with a toddler and a baby, I think he's a bit out of touch, and though maybe you were a little harsh with delivery, I can understand why." ~ angrynoot
"NTA. Ask him how he'd like it if you barged into the home office during a Teams meeting and started berating him for doing his slide deck all wrong or ordering him to do his spreadsheets a different way?"
"Yeah, he'd go nuts."
"Well, absent a legit kid safety issue (as in, kid running around with scissors, not kid has four toys out instead of three), during work hours, husband stays in his own lane and does all his work (Sales? Accounting? Whatever it is) just like you stay in your lane and do all the parenting."
"No one puts on airs and acts like they're the other's know-it-all, micromanaging boss. No one takes out the stress/frustration of their respective jobs on a toddler. THAT is how this has to work." ~ PARA9535307
"I'm petty, so I would probably say something like, 'If you can do your job and take care of the kids, I'm going to go and get a massage'." ~ theycallme_mama
"Or, I'd say—and follow through—since you want to work from home and be in charge of the household too, I'm getting a full-time job outside of the house and you are now the SAHD!" ~ Choice-Try-2873
"Or start looking over his shoulder and nitpicking his emails." ~ Illustrious-Stable93
"You're NTA. Hubby is acting like your boss and needs to go focus on his own job and let you do yours."
"This is the problem with work from home roles. People become a nightmare with no social interaction. Just anxious and overbearing with too much time on their hands."
"I think it's weird to force a toddler to clean up the toys every five minutes. Maybe baby wants to take a break with one toy and come back to it. Let baby clean up at the end of the day when they're totally done playing. Y'all are making playtime a chore." ~ ayeayecaptcha
"He has two options. He can either work during the day and let you do the parenting or he can also do the parenting which means if he wants something enforced he's the one who has to sit there and enforce it." ~ Vivid_Motor_2341
"If your husband is this focused on the tidiness of toys for your THREE YEAR OLD, I'd argue he needs way more work to do and a whole lot of therapy. This is how you end up with neurotic kids who are afraid to be creative and authentically play." ~ FatsMcCats
"I don't think work-from-home (WFH) is the issue. It sounds like you two need to sit down and discuss parenting style."
"This is bigger than WFH vs in office. After you talk about parenting, you should sit down and also go over expectations and boundaries with WFH/SAHM roles."
"I don't think him bringing it up infront of kiddos is acceptable and frustrating that he's putting enforcing his parental style to be managed by you. It's really hard when your job IS parenting, but he's also a parent. Y'all need to sit down and talk." ~ Big_Range_7295
"To add to this, Dad needs to read some parenting and child development books. My husband was overly strict and expected things that developmentally weren't appropriate for their ages. I was constantly trying to negotiate with him that he was expecting too much."
"Unfortunately, it didn't dawn on me until the kids were much older, that I had read those kinds of things, he hadn't and he wasn't aware I had. So he thought we were coming from the same level of knowledge (none) and I was coming from more experience with kids even before we had ours and a fair bit of studying of the subject." ~ myssi24
"They both need to have a unified front with raising their children, otherwise they will have children that play them against each other." ~ PhilsFanDrew
"NTA, although it does sound more like you need a clear discussion of his parenting role when is also working at home."
"Can he have a separate office and keep the door closed? Is he working in common spaces so ends up interacting with your children? Or is he getting up for some coffee and decides to get involved in whatever you're already doing?"
"Another consideration is how do you determine when both of your work days are 'over' and who is then primarily responsible for the kids?"
"This sounds a bit like you are 'on' all the time, but then your husband will get involved without truly taking over for you. That would get exhausting, so talk with him about how you can decide together on a clearer division of responsibilities." ~ Dog-Mom2012
Seems like Reddit clearly has this mom's back.
And that her husband needs to back off.
If he wants to micromanage her watching the kids, he can just watch them himself--and she can take a much-needed break.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp