*The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm and eating disorders.
Money is a hot-button issue for a lot of families.
Don’t spend on that.
Spend more on this.
Be frugal.
Don’t be wasteful.
The financial chatter is endless.
But sometimes, how the money is being prioritized can be more emotional than expected.
Not everyone needs a constant financial breakdown.
Case in point…
Redditor Waste-Proposal8556 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my daughter how much money we have spent on her?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (F[emale] 47) have a daughter (15 F) who has recently been having some issues with me.”
“I took her to the doctor for a routine checkup, and it turns out she has a few health issues (calcium, iron deficiency, weak bones, underweight).”
“I also took her to the dentist and found out she has a few cavities.”
“Naturally, we have to pay for her medicines and dental treatments, and it cost a ton.”
“The money is not an issue for us, but I have always wanted my kids to be not spoiled and mindful of money despite the money we have as a family.”
“On the way out from the dentist, we were walking down the stairs and I told her, ‘You know how much we spent on that? *x* much.'”
“And she said ‘oh’ and remained silent.”
“I wasn’t sure if she got it or not so, since she had multiple appointments to get them all removed, I would tell her how much it cost each time.”
“I never said anything else, just, ‘It cost *x* amount this time. You see how much money we’re spending?'”
“All I really wanted was for her to be more grateful.”
“Then while paying for her medicines, I did the same thing.”
“Last night, my husband said that it makes her feel bad when I tell her how much money we spend on her and that she doesn’t want any medicines because she doesn’t want us to be ‘wasting money.'”
“I never said or implied we were wasting money.”
“It was for her health, so of course it all wasn’t a waste.”
“My husband said I was being insensitive to her, and I should be more mindful as she’s a kid.”
“Personally, my husband has always been extra protective, so I think he’s just being extra.”
“I also don’t understand why my kid spoke to him instead of straight to me.”
“I don’t think I am in the wrong here, just that my daughter has got the wrong idea, and my husband is overreacting.”
“AITA for telling my daughter how much things cost for her?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA, these are not luxury expenses, and you say you’re spending this money on her like it’s some kind of treat, or that it would be reasonable not to spend it.”
“These are essential medical expenses, and you make it sound like a problem that she is causing you.”
“I would also be hurt and angry if I were her.”
“If you’re trying to make a point about taking responsibility for money there are so many other ways you could do it without being so harsh, and I don’t think this kind of expenses should be part of teaching those lessons.”
“You also seem to do a terrible job of teaching those lessons as you just throw the numbers out there without explaining what you mean by it or having a wider conversation to help her understand.”
“It’s a bit of a sucky teaching job, and I’m not surprised she takes her problems to her dad instead.” ~ constant_questing
“This! Let’s get down to brass tacks* It is absolutely YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to ensure your child’s medical needs are met.”
“What you are doing is nothing short of abusive OP.”
“Your put daughter will grow up with a complex that she can’t ask for essential items for fear of financial reprimanding from you.”
“Teaching her to be responsible with money is helping budget, working on saving, planning ahead.”
“But making her feel guilty every time she needs dental work or medicine is disgusting.”
“YTA and a mighty big one at that!” ~ countingpickles
“Trying not to armchair diagnose, but the malnutrition and poor dental health could indicate an eating disorder.”
“Regardless OP, YTA.”
“You need to take your daughter’s health – mental and physical – far more seriously.”
“As a parent, it is YOUR responsibility and obligation to ensure she has the care she needs.”
“The cost is NOT your child’s to bear.” ~ Total-Beat9163
“Narcissists have a way of twisting the narrative.”
“So often they are just ‘doing the right thing!’ but fail to understand that how they go about it is equally as important.”
“That’s usually because they needed to find an excuse for their poor behavior that sounded acceptable and now stick to that excuse.”
“Just the way she told her daughter made my stomach turn.”
“If OP can’t see how those words sound like… Wow.”
“We absolutely DO need to take into account how our words and actions can be perceived, especially if the other is our child.”
“Fifteen may be old enough for a lot of children, but not those with abusive parents or potential mental problems (like E[ating] D[isorder], which it sounds like in OP’s daughter’s case).”
“YTA. Big time.” ~ Call_Me_Aiden
“Also, let’s not gloss over the diagnoses: calcium, iron deficiency, and weak bones, underweight.”
“Her kid is suffering from malnutrition, and based on the way OP writes about her daughter, I am 100% convinced her neglect has caused the health issues she is trying to make her daughter feel terrible about.” ~ InfiniteSpaz
“OP is certainly doing this for more than just the recent medical expenses and probably for years.”
“We have a child who feels so guilty about being a burden on her parents that she eats less because that is the only expense she can control and has been doing it for years.”
“Probably gets a present and eats less for a month.”
“Wants to do some extracurricular activity, eats less… etc.. etc…” ~ dastardly740
“I’m a living example of this.”
“I had to get a tooth extracted recently because when I was in high school, (11 years ago) I had a cavity but knew my family couldn’t afford to get it filled.”
“So it sat there until about a year ago when I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand it anymore.”
“Went to the dentist, and she told me it was so bad that not even a root canal could save it at that point.”
“OP. Never guilt your children about medical procedures ever again.”
“They will compromise their health to save you money and get f**ked over it years down the line.” ~ Ramblingsofthewriter
“This. It’s not like she lost her tuba after she left it on the bus again.”
“She had medical and dental issues that require care, and yah, you pay for that.”
“It seems like you blame her for her medical and dental issues.”
“Huffing and puffing about cost is something you do when you’re resentful and you feel like the other person’s negligence or bad behavior resulted in you incurring a large expense.”
“Your daughter is not a burden, she’s a person.”
“And she’s a person you brought into existence with the implicit vow that your most important job was to be her mom.”
“Just do your job.” ~ Cant_Handle_This4eva
“I had a very similar experience as a child. My ex-stepfather (abusive) would routinely remind me how expensive it was to care for me.”
“You know what I did? I believed him.”
“I believed I was a burden, I wasn’t worth feeding or taking to the doctor, so I started going hungry.”
“I made myself as small and easy as possible to deal with.”
“I ordered off the kid’s menu at restaurants and skipped meals even though I was hungry, I never asked for sweets because I knew I wouldn’t get them. I wasn’t WORTH them.”
“It took me years to break those habits, and it’ll take me decades to get rid of the mental scarring from it.”
“To this day, I question my order at restaurants, trying to cost as little as possible, eat as little as possible, see the doctor or dentist as little as possible.”
“I still skip meals and struggle to recognize hunger pains vs stomach pain.”
“I binge on food that I think might be taken from me, even though I have my own money and I pay for all of this myself.”
“The thought remains: I’m not worth it.”
“OP, you better fix this before your daughter goes down the path I did.”
“I planned to commit suicide twice between the ages of 10 and 12 and still suffer from Post-traumatic stress disorder and a ton of other mental health issues like anxiety and depression because I was told so often how much of a burden I was.”
“Let me tell you, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“It is a nightmare to feel at war with your own mind, don’t be the reason your daughter has to experience that. YTA.” ~ usernameemma
“What kind of AH repeatedly blames their kid for the cost of medical treatment?”
“It isn’t like OP’s kid is mindlessly wasting money.”
“OP is traumatizing his daughter for no reason.”
“Next level AH.” ~ wy100101
Well, OP, Reddit is pretty loud and clear here.
Discussing money is important, but using it as a tool to get something out of someone can be seen as abusive.
You may have just wanted something simple from your daughter, but the message got misconstrued with your actions.
It may be a good idea to sit down with a therapist as a family and get into the real issues.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/