Sleep is an imperative part of daily life.
Restful sleep is also the ideal.
Being suddenly woken up for no reason can ruin a perfect sleep.
And getting back to a solid REM state isn’t always possible.
Sleep problems can be a big factor in relationship issues.
Redditor nahidontlikethis found themselves in a personal dilemma regarding their relationship and their partner’s sleep schedule, so they turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
“Partner has a 4:15 am alarm that wakes me up daily. Suggested a solution and was met with hostility. AITAH?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My partner has an alarm that goes off at 4:15 am every day.”
“I am often unable to get back to sleep after it goes off.”
“She works 3 days a week.”
“I have asked in the past if she could only set it on the days she works.”
“That was a nonstarter because she was worried that she wouldn’t remember and wake up late for work.”
“This was at least seven months ago.”
“That totally makes sense, and I didn’t fight it.”
“The past several mornings, it’s woken me up, and I haven’t been able to get back to sleep.”
“This morning, I asked if she would be willing to set an alarm every night to remind her to ask herself if she needs the 4:15 alarm the next day.”
“Her reaction was immediate hostility.”
“She told me I was treating her like a child for even suggesting she do that.”
“I explained several times that her reaction was surprising, that I was definitely not treating her like a child, that this is a real problem for me, impacting my sleep, which obviously impacts a lot of other things.”
“She told me it was ridiculous for me to ask her to ‘manage my sleep’ for me.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“This would be a real easy fix if you weren’t dealing with an a**hole.” ~ Rare_Magazine_5362
“This really shouldn’t be a problem in any way unless you want it to be a problem.”
“Shouldn’t be too much of a problem setting the alarm to go off on specific days, either. NTA.” ~ Sad-Mind-3053
“It still is an easy fix.”
“Set an alarm for 1 AM daily.”
“Set it to go off in 5-minute increments.”
“Give it a few weeks of sleep deprivation, and you’ll see results.”
“It’s that simple.” ~ OldeManKenobi
“I use my iPhone for an alarm and can set it for specific days of the week.”
“Maybe that could be an option?” ~ Realistic-Arugula578
“Both my phone and my wristwatch have that feature.”
“And because I’m not a total c*nt, I use my wristwatch to wake me when I need to be up before others in our home, because it can be set to only vibrate and no sound, so I don’t wake the whole damn house.
“NTA, but your wife though…” ~ RosaKiwi
“I get the sinking feeling that she has no interest in working with him on this.”
“There are many options, she shoots them all down, she is basically saying she doesn’t care about him waking up early and not getting enough sleep.”
“Contempt for another person is the end of the relationship; make it sooner rather than later.” ~ TheNinjaPixie
“Radical suggestion, I know, but she could also just make a habit of checking her alarm is set when she gets into bed?”
“Due to my job, I wake up at different times throughout the week, and the time isn’t always the same week to week, so I can’t set automatic alarms.”
“I just checked that my alarm is set before I go to bed…”
“I have never once forgotten to set it.” ~ grandiosebeaverdam
“Yes, you’re right.”
“And also, why does she want to wake up at 4:15 even on mornings she doesn’t have to work?!”
“Does she wake up at 4:15 and then think about whether or not she has to work?”
“I get up at various different times for work, and I have NEVER gone to bed without checking my alarm.”
“And on days I don’t need the alarm set, I check to make sure it’s turned off.”
“It’s like this partner created a dumb problem that doesn’t need to exist, and also an unbelievably stupid solution.”
“The actual solution is that OP should not sleep in the same bed with this person, or maybe not even the same house.” ~ CrabbyCatLady41
“She’s the childish one.”
“Sleep is important. NTA.” ~ oFbeingCaLM
“She sounds like the type of person who would turn on the bedroom light early while getting ready for work, when their partner is still sleeping.” ~ LedgerWar
“My husband used to do that.”
“He stopped when I told him how physically painful it is to my eyes in the mornings.”
“That was in 1994, and we were not married yet.”
“He stopped because it was important to him that he not cause me a problem.”
“Plus, a cranky partner first thing in the day sets everyone up for unpleasantness.”
“The only people I know of who intentionally make their partners cranky are those who are a**holes.” ~ FeistyIrishWench
“Someone who doubles down on being the AH for literally NO good reason won’t make a good long-term partner.”
“Best of luck, you deserve better!” ~ pinelandpuppy
“Time to also drop off whatever sh*t of hers she has at your place.”
“It speaks to much larger issues that she ignores the problem she is causing and is immediately hostile about it.” ~ Feisty_Count_4409
“This is not someone you want to keep in your life, OP.”
“If she can’t budge on something as simple as an alarm, how much worse will it be when it comes to something bigger, like finances?”
“And the fact that she dug in her heels even more, no matter what you said or did, makes her a terrible, selfish person with no consideration for others.”
“Nothing attractive about her person could possibly outweigh that.”
“This situation is your alarm; time to move on and find someone who cares enough about you to respect your sleep.” ~ EverydayPromptWriter
“Stay broken up.”
“She has no care in her heart for you.”
“Sleep is essential, and she doesn’t care about you.”
“Her pride is more important than your health. NTA!” ~ EffectiveGold8273
“Never pick her up and bring her back to your place.”
“She has no respect for you.”
“It’s the simplest f**king thing to set your phone to only go off on specific days of the week.”
“The fact that she doesn’t care to do that points to a bigger issue.”
“NTA, unless you get back with her.” ~ WhatTheActualFck1
“I’m sorry, internet stranger.”
“A relationship can work if two people are fighting to make it work.”
“But a relationship is doomed if one person is fighting to make it work, and what they are fighting is the other person.”
“NTA, which I hope is obvious, but it sounds like your partner is one for sure.”
“What a reasonable ask you made, and what an irrational reaction she had!” ~ smallfloralprince
“NTA, but your partner is.”
‘Setting a 4:15 alarm on days she doesn’t need it?”
“It’s an unreasonable situation.” ~ KronkLaSworda
“I am also a nurse who doesn’t have a set schedule and whose alarm goes off at 4 am on work days, and I… simply set an alarm for whatever time I need to wake up before going to bed at night.”
“I would never make my partner suffer because of MY work hours.”
“Definitely NTA.” ~ SecretEfficient3137
“I don’t understand- Even with the person that sleeps in the room next to mine, whom I am not in a romantic relationship with, I apologize if I snooze my alarm multiple times, and we frequently check in with each other if our behavior is in any way affecting each others well being or our sleep.”
“This is basic co-living. NTA.” ~ Upekshanam
“I used to wake up at 6.30 am for the university 3-4 days a week.”
“I was literally jumping out of bed to turn the alarm off immediately, cause I didn’t want to wake up people in neighboring apartments cause walls are pretty thin.”
“I can’t imagine not caring about your own partner to wake them every day at 4 am.” ~ OleksandrKyivskyi
“NTA. I am often unable to get back to sleep after it goes off.”
“She works 3 days a week.”
“I have asked in the past if she could only set it on the days she works.”
“And you did this for 7 months?”
“She’s a selfish prick, you need to do a pros and cons list of the relationship cause this is a huge red flag.” ~ REDDIT
“I know for a fact, owning both an Android and an iPhone, you can set the alarm for specific days of the week.”
“You are not asking her to manage your sleep; you are asking her to manage her alarms in a better fashion.”
“NTA, there is definitely an AH here, but it isn’t OP!!!” ~ emptynest_nana
OP returned to chat…
“I wish this were at all comforting.”
“She fought me so hard on this that I eventually told her it points to larger problems and that if we couldn’t solve them, I didn’t know how to move forward.”
“She called my bluff instead of taking it seriously.”
“Now it’s breakup level simply because she couldn’t imagine a world in which I’m not an a**hole.”
“We ended up fighting in a way that made us both the a**hole (I raised my voice; she was dismissive and condescending).”
“I dropped her off at home for some cool-off time.”
“She encouraged me to make this post, albeit sarcastically.”
“I fear she still won’t hear me.”
Reddit is 100% with you, OP.
Who wants to wake up at 4:15 on their days off anyway?
This is a very fixable situation.
You’re not asking for the world.
Stay strong.
Good Luck.