“Re-nesting” as an adult in your 20s can be a pretty tough transition.
Your parents still see you as their child, and so the old habits of enforcing house rules, general micromanagement and financial strings attached all begin to creep back into the picture.
A recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit explored one particular situation where those growing pains really show their colors.
The Original Poster (OP), Fast_Experience_6847, got right into the key details with the post’s title.
“AITA for telling my parents I will have sex in their house whether they like it or not?”
OP began with some background information.
“I [22-year-old female] have a generally good relationship with my parents. We all get along bu they are a bit more conservative than me.”
I recently decided to move back to their city for a job offer that I took.”
“My parents haven’t been doing too well financially and asked me if I wanted to move back in with them for a while. I figured why not, I pay part of the mortgage and in exchange don’t need to do as many chores as I would usually have to do.”
Then a new development arose.
“About six months ago I started dating my now boyfriend. He lives a few kilometres out of town so it makes sense for him to stay the night a my place and not the other way round.
“The other day my parents approached me and told me that they don’t want him to stay over anymore because they don’t want their daughter to have sex in their house.”
OP couldn’t believe the line being drawn.
“I was a bit taken aback and told them that I’m sorry but I’m an adult and it’s not like we are loud or anything.”
“They basically said their house their rules to which I just laughed because I pay 40% of the mortgage payment and if it wasn’t for me the house would likely not be theirs anymore.”
“So I told them the my house my rules bs wouldn’t fly with me and if it bothered them so much I’d just get my own place like right now but I certainly will not be told when I can and can’t have sex.”
For OP, that was hardly convincing.
“Now they’re upset because they think I’m trying to blackmail them but I’m like mate?? I’m paying for this place so I’ll fu** whoever and whenever I want.”
“AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most Redditors agreed with OP’s firm stance.
They cited the financial variable as a key factor.
“NTA Normally I would say don’t have sex in your parents home…but you’re paying 40% of the mortgage, so they have kind of lost the high ground.” — geegeepark
“NTA. This living arrangement was at your parent’s request because they needed help paying their mortgage.”
“In this scenario you aren’t their daughter, you’re their housemate who is paying 40% of the mortgage. If they continue to give you grief, move out.” — Consistent-Leopard71
“NTA at all. If they bring it up again, give them 30 days notice that you’re moving out. I can’t even fathom anyone supporting their side.”
“You’re not only an adult but you’re the only reason they aren’t out on the street.” — The-pain-train-13
“NTA. If you’re old enough to contribute significantly to the mortgage, you’re old enough to live your life on your terms.”
“I’m sure the idea of your parents having sex is just as distasteful to you as the idea of their daughter having sex is to them, but you understand that that’s not anything you get a say over.” — TheBaney
Others even commended OP’s handling of the situation.
“NTA. Parents don’t get to make those kinds of decisions for you when you’re an adult. I think you handled the situation perfectly.”
“You need to put your foot down with things like this or they’ll keep trying to control you” — ItalicHail
“NTA. I like your spine, it’s strong and shiny. You were firm and clear and not allowing them to treat you like a child, especially not while you’re financially supporting them.”
“You moved in as a courtesy, they do not get to dictate your life (as long as you’re not doing it in common areas.”
“If you wanted, you could sit down with them and have an ‘OUR house, OUR rules’ conversation to discuss appropriate boundaries.”
“My guess is they’re feeling weird about having their child move back in to help them and so they’re trying to assert their authority and be the parent again.” — Fun-Calligrapher980
“NTA and I like your confidence, OP” — ordinaryhorse
OP was generous enough to provide readers with a second, follow up post outlining how things all shook out later on.
Apparently, some of that feedback was convincing.
“You may have guessed it, when I made the post I was pretty upset about what had happened. I’ve since calmed down and thought about my options.”
“Since no one knows how much longer my parents need help with the mortgage for I decided to move out. If I had known it would be 6 months or even a year it would have been different but I don’t want to stay indefinitely.”
“I think moving out is better for our relationship since they can’t seem to understand that I’m an adult who is used to living by herself, paying my own bills and most importantly having a certain amount of freedom.”
OP went on to share some logistics.
“When I let them know what I had decided they obviously weren’t thrilled but in the end they understood and agreed that it’s for the best.”
“I suggested that they could rent out my room to make some extra money and it seems like that’s what’s going to happen. The house is pretty nice and in a good spot so it shouldn’t be too hard to find someone.”
“As for myself, I’ll be moving into my own place again. I’m currently looking at some houses and apartments and it looks like I’m either moving to the CBD or a beach suburb.”
So, although OP was forced to encounter some of the common perils of moving back home as an adult, at least she had the autonomy and financial means to make the change she needed.