A couple that can decide on an equitable division of labor in their home is at a great advantage.
A couple that can afford to hire others to help with those less desirable chores can also avoid the usual conflicts about who does what jobs around the house that plague other couples.
But what if their families don't approve of their arrangement?
Does respecting their elders include not responding to criticism and insults?
A wife in conflict with her in-laws turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Medium-Role-7446 asked:
"AITAH for being disrespectful to in-laws, because I said I am not their son's servant?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Used fake western names in story. No real names."
"I am 28, female, married to my husband Tyler 30, male. We both are Asians. I also have a son 1, male. My family lives nearby, and we pay for a full-time nanny under their supervision for his care."
"In Asian culture, women, whether they work or not, have to contribute most of the household work. But with the new generation, we girls are putting our foot down and are not allowing this."
"My husband and I work at the same organization and met there when we were 22 and new members. It is a public sector Central Bank, and it has the same position and job. We make the same salary and work 10 to 6 Mon to Friday."
"We both make six figures and have household help for cleaning. But cooking is on me, and my husband does laundry and utensils (the household cleans them most ). Baby's care is mostly on me. I feel lucky to be in this position as we are saving for a house and our rental is leased by the bank."
"My in-laws have retired and are visiting here for month. Overall, there are no major issues with them, and my child loves them, and they love him too. But seeing my husband doing household chores, their faces speak a million words."
"So my mother-in-law (MIL) started saying, during evening snack time, that women in their generation managed both homes and work. The girls are too lazy now. Father-in-law (FIL) said that he is proud of his wife for managing both. And jokingly said , my husband is henpecked."
"My husband stayed silent."
"I also sarcastically replied that I have no interest in being a servant to their grown-up son and how I had to train him for basic chores during the initial days as a couple, six years back. As they failed to teach him basic life things. I will make sure my son learns everything. So his future partner will never complain."
"I also said how men and previous in-laws generations exploited women, which led to many women being bitter and taking it out on their next generation of daughters-in-law. My mother had to cook for a family of ten people because only then grandmother took care of me and my siblings."
"My in-laws got angry and said I am being disrespectful. I just said I am being truthful."
"Since then, mil and I are not talking. Fil is OK, though. My husband said to apologize, and they are here for some weeks only and also love our son. That's true, but I don't see why I should apologize. They started it. I can't be fake diplomatic person."
"My husband is now giving me the cold shoulder and told me that I made him look less masculine. He said his father already pointed out, that my husband removes chest hair and finds it very girly thing to do."
"That previous generagion men were proud of their chest hair.. But I never pressured him to do that or remove them. It is his choice only.. so I don't know why he brought this up!"
"He becomes different person, whenever his parents visit. Otherwise, he is chill husband."
"Am I the a**hole for being disrespectful to elders?"
The OP later added:
"Someone said I am training my husband as a dog. WTF? I feel like clearing it. Because he couldn't even make a sandwich for himself."
"I trained him in household chores. I treat him with respect, and he gives me the same."
"When we started dating, he expected me to do all. It is case with most men here. I have to teach him to do basic chores. How it is disrespectful?"
"I thought teaching someone to learn something is called training? I never saw it as a negative word, and, yes, English isn't my first language."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong (NTA).
"Maybe he'd be respected as a grown man more if he acted like one and refused to let people disrespect him and his wife in their own home… NTA." ~ I_wanna_be_anemone
"Why isn't he telling your MIL to apologise? NTA." ~ Perfect_Ring3489
"NTA! I think you are brilliant, and you stood up for yourself so well. Your husband is sadly a weak and cowardly man, such a shame."
"Maybe you can train him to have some sort of backbone and support his wife, though that should also not be your responsibility."
If the husband had confidently stood up for his wife, then perhaps he would feel 'more masculine'." ~ pixie-ann
"NTA, he chose you, it is his family. He should have stood up and told them they didn't teach him the basics. He could have said that the times have changed and his relationship is build on equality."
"You are both doing both (home and work) the same amount. He did not. That's the only thing that would have made him more masculine."
"They disrespected you in your own home. He disrespected you by keeping silent. Time for your husband to finally grow up."
"You were amazing, and I'm glad you want to teach your son differently. Tell your husband he needs to apologize to you and then sort out his problems with his parents."
"He can apologize to them and tell them he is sorry he did not intervene and that if they don't change their attitude, they are not welcome anymore at your house."
"It can be hard to get over traditions. Good luck with that. Oh, and if he doesn't feel masculine without his hair, he can grow it back. Like, WTF?" ~ Lumi1992
"He thinks you make him look less masculine? Standing up for your wife, and having the courage of your convictions makes you more masculine than bowing to your mummy." ~ GossyGirl
The OP provided an update:
"The day I made post, I left home with my son and moved to my parents's house. They just live two kilometres away. Tyler, his parents were out with his family friends."
"He called me 100 times, and I dropped a message. That I am at my parent's house and only bother me, when he can stand for me in front of his parents. He can come and visit our son anytime."
"In the evening, he came and begged me to come back. He said he told his parents to respect me, and he won't tolerate any sh**. I told him, if it's true, I will come. But if I see any sign of disrespect again, I will choose to separate."
"I am not a doormat, and he has to stand for me. The days of Indian girls being submissive are over. I am a woman from a metro city, who knows her rights and earns a six-figure salary. I am not dependent on him."
"My parents and brother Sahil, sister-in-law Shyla , said their home is always open for me ( it is my bro's house and both my brother, sil work. My parents lives with them and take care of their children and my sil loves my parents ). My brother said my sister isn't an orphan, with no family support and he won't tolerate this bs."
"My sister in law Shyla said , I am like her sister and her doors are always open for me. Frankly , it made me feel like crying. I never have a sister and she is like one. But yeah she was my college roomie and I set her up with my brother. Maybe that's why."
"Tyler said he would never allow any disrespect against me, and we went back. The car ride was emotional and well we made out in the car, while our son was sleeping ¿.
"Reminded me of our hostel days, when we used to sneak out in the park or his bike to make out. He said he can't live without me. I said love bombing won't work alone, and he has to show with his actions. We reached home."
"My mil started hugging me sweetly, and she said she meant no harm. My family started saying , you are our house's Lakshmi ( a goddess of fortune ), and they didn't mean any harm. I told them I am a human and shouldn't be compared with a goddess."
"My husband loudly said, I am his wife, and it is my house. They have to respect me. Note in old age, I am expected to help my husband with his parents's care. So it's better to start building boundaries already. They also know it and have backed off."
"Too much sweetness for me, but whatever my husband said, it has worked so far. They haven't said a bad word since, and I am fine with it. I won't apologise, and I don't expect any apology."
"The trip is going fine now. My husband even cooked for me. My mil and i am having discussions and it is going fine. I think I have made my point. I have my family support, which many Indian girls don't get post-marriage."
"I earn well and take care of my son. I know many will say about old age care thing. But it is an unsaid expectation here. That's why I wanted to build boundaries beforehand."
It sounds like the OP finally got her husband's support.
Hopefully he doesn't forget that she has options that don't include kowtowing to him or her in-laws.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp