We all do this from time to time, and it might seem like a small offense, but repeatedly showing up late to events is disrespectful to the people you promised to show up for.
Too often, people assume that showing up late to a family dinner or a friendly get-together is fine, because they're not clocking in, but they're communicating that they don't really care about or prioritize the people they're supposed to love, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor EnvironmentalAct7012 had a lot of plans for one weekend, between running errands and attending to appointments, all of which involved commuting to the city, so when their sister-in-law wanted to arrange a playdate for that weekend, too, getting everything done was suddenly dependent on the sister-in-law arriving on time.
When their sister-in-law was hours later than she'd agreed, the Original Poster (OP) was so furious that they didn't want her to come into their house ever again.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being angry about my sister-in-law not respecting our time?"
The OP's sister-in-law wanted to arrange a playdate for an already-busy weekend.
"Last week, my sister-in-law (SIL) asked if her kids can come over last Saturday for a playdate."
"Our weekends are pretty busy and I'm a planner, so I told them either they come over after we do all our errands and appointments at 3:00 PM, or I could push my errands to Sunday so they can come over at 1:00 PM."
"They chose the 1:00 PM option, because she said 3:00 PM is too late."
"Note: Pushing errands to Sunday means now I have to make two trips into the city instead of one."
The OP was stressed trying to fit everything into their schedule.
"Because we had lunch and an early appointment on Saturday, I was up at 7:00 AM cleaning the house before we headed out."
"We got home by 1:00 PM to meet her, but she was not there."
"All day, my kid was asking where they were and when they'd arrive."
The OP felt deeply disrespected and furious.
"By 3:30 PM, my SIL said she'd be there around 4:00 or 4:30 PM. I was fuming by that point, because I did everything to accommodate her schedule, and there's zero respect."
"I told my wife they're no longer welcome here and to turn around and go home."
"She and my SIL were all, 'blah blah blah, what's the big deal,' and I told her I was going to freak the f**k out if they showed up."
"My wife told me I was overreacting, and I told her since we're hosting dinner next week, tell them to be here by 6:00 PM, and we may or may not be home until 9:00 PM, and they can just wait outside, since according to them, it won't be a big deal."
"She told me we can't do that and that that's 'different.'"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some agreed with the OP that the sister-in-law was irresponsible and disrespectful toward other people's time.
"You are completely not overreacting. Rearranging your entire Saturday, waking up at dawn to clean, and then getting ghosted for hours by a late sister-in-law is infuriatingly disrespectful." - vanguardian
"NOR. Tell your wife to get up at 7:00 AM and clean and drive into the city twice to do the errands. If she says it's no big deal to disrespect your efforts like this, then let it be her efforts that get disrespected." - Longjumping_Fan4823
"Your SIL basically made you rearrange your whole weekend and then just... didn't show up? That's so inconsiderate."
"I think what makes it worse is your kid kept asking where they were; that part actually got me."
"The dinner metaphor is petty, but I get why you said it; sometimes you have to exaggerate for the point to land. Maybe not the most productive way to handle it long term, but I don't think you're overreacting being angry about this." - InevitableArt9731
"NOR, but next time just don't accommodate them? Fit them into your existing schedule without rearranging time. If they can't make that work, they won't see you. SIL essentially had your plans with her other sister instead. Crazy rude." - Motor_Dark6406
"NOR. It’s one thing to run late, have an emergency, and communicate it as soon as it gets derailed."
"It’s another to ask someone to fully waste time, energy, and GAS, IN THIS ECONOMY? And then just decide an hour and a half after they could have done all they needed to do and saved gas and their day for the next day that you will finally show up."
"The audacity is insane to me." - LadyTeraudrin
"NOR. That's a three-hour difference from the time she chose. Personally, I would be livid. Weekends fly by, and sometimes there is a lot to get done."
"SIL chose 1:00 and showed up at 4:30 after saying 3:00 was too late. It's not like she was 15 minutes late." - Double_Flower3855
"I'm with the OP. It's not over the lateness. It's over the absolute disrespect of the SIL to say, "'No, we can't do 3:00; that's too late,' and then having them reschedule errands for the next day, to ultimately show up an hour and a half after the original time, even though she said the original time was too late."
"Then considering the fact they canceled plans. Like, they could've not canceled the plans and the SIL would've been able to be there on time, and there would've been no problem. Instead, she had them cancel, just to end up being later than the initial time that was proposed. So they changed their plans for nothing."
"OP is rightfully mad, because he did everything to make it easy for her to come, and she didn't have the respect to even say, ' Hey, I can't make it.' So at this point, canceling wouldn't do anything about his anger because he's mad that he changed their schedule for her and she didnt show, not because she was simply late." - impeccable-reach
"Now you know not to inconvenience yourself and rearrange your schedule for them. 'Sorry, but we're not available until... If you want to come afterwards, that's fine.'"
"That way, if they don't show up, who cares? When your kid keeps asking where they are, you just say, 'Auntie is flighty and doesn't respect other people's time. Use this as an example of how not to treat people.'" - Jen5872
But others were concerned about the OP "freaking the f**k out" and said they were overreacting by saying the sister-in-law wasn't welcome in their home anymore, which could alienate their wife.
"Your SIL is inconsiderate, but you seem to have an anger problem. You would really 'freak the f**k out' over lateness?"
"I'd just tell your SIL that 4:30 is too late and cancel. I'd also tell my spouse we are never, ever going to rearrange our schedule to accommodate SIL again, as she does not appreciate your effort." - minecraftvillagersk
"I think YOR. Your reaction to this is very deeply weird and extreme. The normal reaction would be to be annoyed or frustrated, not freaking the f**k out. While what your wife and SIL did is rude, your reaction is just way out of the norm."
"On another note, I’d bet a lot of people commenting harshly against the SIL don’t have young kids. Keeping a super strict time schedule with kids is hard, and if you want your kids to have friends and playdates with other parents, sometimes you have to be understanding and forgiving."
"Additionally: if your wife and SIL were together, weren’t you in communication? If I were your SIL, I’d now view you as unsafe due to your bizarre and extreme reaction to something that is part of life and have playdates with other more normal parents." - Spiritual_Bonus_5275
"YOR. I would take it as a huge red flag if a man told me he would 'freak the f**k out' on my family member. That’s a pretty violent way to talk, especially over something like this."
"What she did was bad and disrespectful; she did not respect your time, and that’s a big deal. Not such a big deal that you should step over your wife and blow up your relationship with the SiL."
"The more emotionally adjusted way of handling this would’ve been, 'We are no longer having the play date, as the ETA is too late for me; in the future, please try to make the time we decided on.' And make sure to NEVER completely rearrange your schedule for someone, especially the SIL."
"Flipping out is rarely the answer; flipping out over someone being late is insane to me. Like, yeah, I’m not going to think highly of you if you pull a stunt like that, but I’m not going to flip out over it." - SpiritualFormal5
"YOR. Is she being inconsiderate? Yes, but you throwing a tantrum like a five-year-old not getting your way, threatening to make a scene if they show up, and banning them from your house shows a real lack of maturity on your part."
"Grow up; not everything is going to go according to your plans and schedules." - Admirable-Demand-373
"I understand the frustration with someone not sticking to the agreed plans, but saying things like, 'I’m going to freak the f**k out if they show up' is a complete overreaction and adds a level of aggression to the situation which isn’t needed; that makes me think you’re quite hot-headed in general."
"If your wife is happy for them to turn up whenever, then can’t she wait in for them while you do what you need to do?" - Commercial-Emu6363
"YOR. Why do you have to be present for a play date if your wife is home? You sound grossly overcontrolling of everyone in your life. Go run your errands and chill the f**k out." - Diligent_Yak1105
"If my husband tried to dictate anything about my relationship with my family like this, there would be a long conversation about boundaries. I agree that SIL was inconsiderate, but you sound unhinged. Why didn’t you run errands by yourself? YOR." - AlternativeID75964
"YOR. Why do both you and your wife need to be home for the playdate? Just go do your errands."
"I get that your SIL was inconsiderate, but I fail to see the reason you both have to be present. Also, don't offer to rearrange your weekend if you are just going to resent someone for choosing an option you provided. Either way, you had a toddler tantrum." - Tall-Pyramid-8015
"It's a very normal and understandable thing to be upset about, but I think it just makes more sense to let your wife be home with the kids and wait for her sister while you go do your errands."
"I'm sure your wife would enjoy her 'alone' time with her sister, and you can enjoy being on your own schedule. I also think it's kinda odd to say they are no longer welcome and be on the verge of 'freaking the f**k out.'"
"My personal advice would be to chill, take a breath, and respect your own time. If they aren't there when they are supposed to be, oh well, sucks for them."
"Continue on with your day because it's no longer something you can control. Just make sure to voice your concerns and tell them they need to respect your time as much as you respect your own, or you won't have a reason to continue scheduling with them."
"S**t happens, and people are inconsiderate not worth stressing yourself over to the point where your wife thinks she should be telling you to calm down."
"Also, you are dismissive of your SIL and partner the same as they are dismissive of your time and effort. I'm not sure what they told you while justifying her reasoning for being late; it was more than likely bullshit, but I doubt it was 'blah blah blah' and felt justified from their perspective. Just my opinion." - bistedbosh
The subReddit was deeply divided over this issue, with some completely agreeing about disrespecting someone's time, while others understood the frustration but didn't see the point of being this mad over lateness.
In the future, the OP might be better off running errands without their wife, while their wife had a playdate with her sister and their kids, or the OP could at least not adjust their schedule around someone else's availability.
