Making a remark about someone’s body is always going to be risky.
Regardless of whether you are complimenting or insulting them.
This is simply owing to the fact that countless people’s views of their own bodies are so complex that they are bound to have an emotional reaction whenever their body becomes the topic of conversation.
Particularly if people are giving advice about their bodies.
The sister of a recent Redditor was passionate about beauty pageants.
However, her luck was 50/50. She excelled in certain pageants but came up short in others.
As the original poster (OP) felt that this statistic was owing to her sister’s physical appearance, she suggested that perhaps she stick to the type of pageants she continued to win.
A suggestion the OP’s sister didn’t appreciate at all.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors;
“AITA for advising my sister to only enter plus-size beauty pageants and/or become a plus-size model?”
The OP explained why her suggestion to her sister ended up putting a strain on their relationship:
“I (31 F[emale]) have a sister (27 F[emale]) who has done beauty pageants all her life.”
“Losing affects her more the older she gets.”
“At 22, she gained weight and became plus-size.”
“As a plus-size woman, she had won every plus-size beauty pageant she’s entered.”
“But as a plus-size woman, she has yet to win a beauty pageant that’s not specifically for plus-size women.”
“She has done some plus-size modeling but treats it like a stepping stone.”
“Recently, she did extremely well for a plus-size 27-year-old woman in a beauty pageant available to all women.”
“She got runner-up, but the winner was a thin 19-year-old woman.”
“Afterwards, she was crying and asking what she should do now.”
“I gave her advice, but she accused me of being jealous.”
“Am I the a**hole ?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for telling her sister she should only compete in plus-sized beauty pageants.
Some felt that the OP’s advice wasn’t helpful, even if she wasn’t exactly wrong, but that her sister needed more serious help beyond which pageants to participate in.
“She came second at 27 years, against a 19-year-old?”
“How is that not a MASSIVE win?”
“Sounds to me like the problem isn’t her being ‘plus size’ (and I am noticing that you’re not giving specifics #SideEye), but her extreme reaction to losing.”
“Kinda YTA, because you’re not really helping.”
“If you truly want to help, get her actual help.”- Content-Army2384
“YTA.”
“I’m not into pageants and don’t know much about how much of a future she may have (or not have) in them, but the fact that she came in as runner-up shows she’s a definite contender.”
“She must have placed ahead of a lot of skinnier contestants to get that far.”
“What she probably needed to hear from her sister is that she did really great at the pageant, not that she shouldn’t bother to try anymore because she’s too fat to ever have a chance at winning.”-tidderor
“Did you give advice when she wanted sympathy?”
“If so then yes, YTA, why would you bother to ask?”- Joy2b
“YTA.”
“Because she probably just wanted some comfort in the moment.”
“I dunno how people have become so socially stunted, but try and be a bit less of a robot.”- Min_sora
“YTA.”
“That was a console moment, not a suggestion/problem-solving moment.”- pottersquash
Others saw where the OP was coming from and think that her suggestion might have been misunderstood by her sister, even if they still agreed she needed professional help, and that she should consider putting her pageant career to rest:
“NTA, but tentatively.”
“Depending on how you actually handled the situation, as it is one that is fraught with a lot of emotionally triggering issues.”
“That said, I would attempt to suggest some kind of therapy because she should have other areas of pride beyond her physical appearance.”
“The reality is that she is 27, which is getting a bit old realistically for the pageant circuit – I am NOT saying that women lose physical attractiveness when they are 27, but only that the whole sphere of beauty pageants is one that is skewed to young contestants as some of them even have age cut-offs.”- Jujulabee
“NTA.”
“Plus-sized woman here, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that when given the choice between a thin woman and a plus-size woman, people are going to say the thin woman is more attractive.”
“She’s not going to change society’s mind.”
“I’m sure your sister is beautiful, but she’s not going to win against a thin woman.”
“It’s actually pretty impressive she was runner-up.”
“You’re giving her a more realistic goal to reach toward.”- flooperdooper4
“NTA.”
“But this is a good example of toxic beauty standards that pageants perpetuate.”
“She is likely beautiful, thi,n and plus-sized but the ‘value of being thin’ was probably ingrained into her.”- Left_Set_5610
“A weak NTA.”
“If she didn’t ask, you shouldn’t have volunteered, but it sounds like your sister places an unhealthy emphasis on appearances and other people’s opinions.”
“It’s a cliche, but it’s who she is inside that counts.”
“I think we all have known really attractive people who were complete jerks.”- PikesPique
“NTA.”
“Your advice was well-intentioned to spare her disappointment.”- Realistic_Head4279
“NTA.”
“But shut up in the future.”
“This is a situation where both of you can say will be right, so don’t say anything at all.”- afurtivesquirrel
“You’re NTA, your sister is an adult.”
“Time for her to make adult decisions for her life moving forward.”
“She transitioned to plus size as she became plus sized.”
“Yet what next?”
“Does she want to make that her career?”
“The proof of what you are encouraging is there, she only ranks as plus size within plus size arena, there’s no going back in time.”
“However she can make decisions moving fwd as to how she wants to live.”
“Limited in a plus-size market, in a plus-size what, contest?”
“What is she going to do about reality?”
“Bill paying, wage earning required life?”
“It sounds like time for her to rethink how she moves.”
“You as her sister can encourage & support, she has to do the work.”
“Good Luck.”- Overall-Injury-7620
“NTA.”
“It’s hypocritical to me for her to enter competitions against other women wanting to be found more beautiful than then and then getting upset that her appearance is being assessed.”- CardiologistMean4664
“NTA.”
“It honestly sounds like your sister needs therapy.”
“She has to be The Most Beautiful Woman, and when some strangers decide not to give her a trophy for being pretty, she cries.”
“It’s just not going to end well for her.”
“She’s on track to be an overweight 60-year-old sobbing about how a 20-year-old who can fit into children’s sizes got the Most Pretty trophy instead of her.”
“Maybe she can find a way to base her self-worth on something other than being judged like a slab of beef.”- KnottyKitty
“NTA, your sister is obviously sensitive about her weight, so maybe just apologize to her and tell her you believe she’s beautiful.”
“Also, probably should keep opinions to yourself in the future (even if asked) as your sister has shown that she’s not open to comments /advice.”
“If she asks again- turn it around and answer with a question such as…’what do you think you’d like to do?’ and then just agree with whatever she says to keep the peace.”
“She’s not really looking for advice, even if she asks, she’s just looking for someone to agree with her.”- Mirvb
Others didn’t think there was an a**hole in this situation, feeling the OP gave her the honest response she asked for, but understood her sister’s reaction to this answer:
“She asked and you answered honestly.”
“It’s not as if she hadn’t competed in plus-sized pageants before your suggestion.”
“I would probably encourage her to step back from the pageants.”
“Being sad because you lose at a competitive activity is fine, but she’s chosen something that, unless she can adjust her expectations, will only continue to chip away at her self-esteem.”
“NAH.”- Cappa_Cail
“NAH, assuming you phrased it kindly.”
“You meant well, but she didn’t really want advice in that moment, she probably knows the pageant world better than you do (and can thus find a new lane if she wants to), and it’s a very fraught/sensitive issue.”
“So it makes sense that it hit her in a way that hurt.”
“Again, assuming you were kind and genuinely meant well, I think you can just apologize and let her know that you’ll support her in whatever she decides to do.”- harbjnger
Pageants are essentially all about image, and since pageants seem to be the thing the OP’s sister cares about more than anything, it’s understandable why she would react the way she did over a remark about her image.
That being said, it does seem that the OP wasn’t trying to be hurtful in any way, but was essentially highlighting where her sister was excelling.
At the end of the day, however, it’s hard to argue with those who feel that the OP’s sister might want to reserve her questions for a professional, and not the OP, moving forward.