A partnership should be give and take, but does it have to be exactly 50/50?
Is it inherently wrong if one partner makes more money than the other?
A man dealing with his sister's comments about his relationship turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
KimSisterGoldDigger asked:
"AITA for yelling at my sister after she called my partner a gold digger?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (30, male) come from a well-off family, but my dad always taught me to work hard and have class. When I was 14 I started working at my Dad's company part-time to earn my allowance, and when I turned 16 I became a real part-time employee."
"My sister and I both got to work in the business when we were younger. But her passion pulled her into a different industry, whereas mine aligned with the industry our Dad's company was in."
"My Dad decided to retire when I was 29 and handed the business to me."
"Back in my second year of uni, I met Kim (20, male at the time, 29, male now), we were in the same course and ended up in the same group for a group project near the beginning of the year, we had a similar sense of humour and clicked as friends quickly."
"One day he mentioned he loves to cook and I told him we should cook together because I love to cook too, and that weekend we went to his place, brought some ingredients and cooked together."
"This then became us going shopping for ingredients after classes on Friday, I'd stay at his place the night and we would cook on the weekend and this became our weekly routine."
"Back then I told others that we were just friends, but with hindsight, that is definitely when I started to fall for him. I finally asked him out a few months later and he said yes."
"We lived in the same house with two other friends in our 3rd year, and I asked him to move in with me after we graduated."
"From the beginning, I told Kim that I would not care if he didn't work, but he insisted he wanted to contribute financially. But after about a year, I had to make him stop."
"Due to the differences in our incomes, he was working himself half to death and was getting ill trying to 'contribute enough.'"
"I sat him down and told him that whatever amount of money he made didn't matter, but if he wanted to work, I just wanted him to be happy. He cut back his hours, then moved to part-time, then decided to quit and work on his own projects."
"He still works in his field, but as an outside contractor so he can take work on at his own leisure and when he feels ready to do so."
"But he insisted I let him take on a larger share of the housework."
"Sometimes I can get home from work and give my all to help around the house, but other times I'm just so tired."
"It makes me feel so much better to get home to a clean house, hot meal and just see his smile as I listen to him tell me what he did that day or about the book he just read or anything."
"I also have an account that I put into every month in the event that, for any reason, I'm no longer able to support him."
"While I hate to imagine any future where I'm not with him or am unable to look after him, I'd be a fool not to prepare for the worst-case scenario."
"He is the love of my life, and I never plan on leaving him, but I also know that we can't predict the future. The savings account that I put money into every month is for in case anything happens."
"If I were to pass I've left the house as well as that account to him as well as some other things."
"Neither of us can take money from the account unless I am unable to work for any reason (illness, injury), if god forbid we are ever to separate or upon my death."
"In all those cases, the money is solely for him. I have my own savings to take care of anything relating to the house or taxes."
"Now, onto the issue, my sister (32, female) and her partner (31, male) both work, and he also makes significantly less than her."
"My sister made more than I did before I got the business, and even now she isn't far behind me. She found herself drawn into a different industry, and our Dad helped her make connections in that industry."
"In private to me, she's made it known that she resents being the breadwinner."
"She sees all her male colleagues spoil and treat their wives and wishes her partner would do the same. He does, but just not to the same level due to the fact he makes basically half as much as they do."
"Her issue with her partner is not that they are not well off; it's that she's the one that makes 2/3 of their income, and she feels like her partner's gifts to her are not good enough."
"Recently, I was talking to her about what I am going to get Kim for his birthday next month. Since I took over from my Dad, I haven't used my home office at all."
"When we were back in college, we talked about a lot of things new couples talk about, like dreams for the future and crazy dream houses we know we could never have. One of the things Kim dreamt of was a library in his home, floor-to-ceiling bookshelves with those library ladders on rails, and a comfy space like a reading nook within the bookshelf."
"The week before his birthday, he's going back to his hometown to see his old friends for a week. So while he's there, I'm going to redo my old office and turn it into a mini library. The room isn't super big, but I think it will be big enough."
"I'm also going to be treating him to a book spree so that he can fill up the shelves. He already owns a lot of books, but I don't think they will put a dent in the shelving space I have planned."
"My sister kept telling me my ideas were too much and that I should get something cheaper since Kim 'doesn't contribute.'"
"I got a bit annoyed because I've told her about Kim's insecurities of not making enough money or being enough. I told her he contributes more than enough."
"She then called him a 'glorified gold digger.'"
"I yelled at her, telling her to shut up and to not talk about Kim that way."
"After calming down, I do feel bad. I know how she feels about her own financial position, but I don't think it's fair that she takes it out on me or Kim, even if Kim wasn't physically there."
"So AITA?"
The OP summed up their conundrum.
"I think I may be the a**hole because I kinda blew up at her, and I know about her feelings towards her current financial situation."
"Maybe it was my fault for bringing up gifts I want to give to my stay-at-home partner when I know that's what she wants for herself."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. Too many relationships get hung up on that 50/50 crap—both in money and other contributions."
"A true partnership is 100%. Some days you may only have 10% to give, and your partner has to make up the other 90%." ~ curlioier
"NTA. Your sister is unhappy and is seeing things with the wrong color lenses. I would be kind but firm with her."
"Tell her you empathize with her issues, but those issues are not in your relationship with Kim." ~ bugabooandtwo
"NTA. Feels like she's projecting her struggles onto your relationship and might be a bit jealous that she can't provide the same way you do or can't see a woman as the one who does so." ~ SweatDroplet
"NTA. She had no business commenting like that on your relationship."
"She is projecting her own insecurities about her relationship onto you and Kim." ~ Blahaj_shark_boy
"NTA - it sounds like your sister is projecting her frustrations/insecurities onto you and Kim."
"If your relationship with Kim works for you and he, sis needs to butt out." ~ Comfortable-Sea-2454
"NTA. The sister is unhappy with her partner and wants her brother to be unhappy with his. End of story." ~ spiritualskywalker
"And not just unhappy, but unhappy because her boyfriend doesn't make enough. Calling Kim a gold digger is a pure projection on Sis's part. NTA." ~ PerturbedHamster
"I think it's more that she doesn't want to work and wants a husband that will support her. She's upset that Kim is living the life she wants. NTA."
"Yeah, it's projection. 'This person is doing what I want to do and it's not fair, so I must attack them'." ~ thenseruame
"Honestly OP, you're on that king sh*t. You're prioritizing your partner's health and not making it a big deal like some people would."
"It sounds like your sister is insecure and jealous and needs to keep her nose out of your business and how your relationship works. NTA at all." ~ VidarHel
The OP's sister is clearly unhappy with her own life, but it doesn't mean she can lash out and denigrate her brother's happiness. It sounds like she needs to address her own demons.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp