A partnership should be give and take, but does it have to be exactly 50/50?
Is it inherently wrong if one partner makes more money than the other?
A man dealing with his sister's comments about his relationship turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
KimSisterGoldDigger asked:
"AITA for yelling at my sister after she called my partner a gold digger?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (30, male) come from a well-off family, but my dad always taught me to work hard and have class. When I was 14 I started working at my Dad's company part-time to earn my allowance, and when I turned 16 I became a real part-time employee."
"My sister and I both got to work in the business when we were younger. But her passion pulled her into a different industry, whereas mine aligned with the industry our Dad's company was in."
"My Dad decided to retire when I was 29 and handed the business to me."
"Back in my second year of uni, I met Kim (20, male at the time, 29, male now), we were in the same course and ended up in the same group for a group project near the beginning of the year, we had a similar sense of humour and clicked as friends quickly."
"One day he mentioned he loves to cook and I told him we should cook together because I love to cook too, and that weekend we went to his place, brought some ingredients and cooked together."
"This then became us going shopping for ingredients after classes on Friday, I'd stay at his place the night and we would cook on the weekend and this became our weekly routine."
"Back then I told others that we were just friends, but with hindsight, that is definitely when I started to fall for him. I finally asked him out a few months later and he said yes."
"We lived in the same house with two other friends in our 3rd year, and I asked him to move in with me after we graduated."
"From the beginning, I told Kim that I would not care if he didn't work, but he insisted he wanted to contribute financially. But after about a year, I had to make him stop."
"Due to the differences in our incomes, he was working himself half to death and was getting ill trying to 'contribute enough.'"
"I sat him down and told him that whatever amount of money he made didn't matter, but if he wanted to work, I just wanted him to be happy. He cut back his hours, then moved to part-time, then decided to quit and work on his own projects."
"He still works in his field, but as an outside contractor so he can take work on at his own leisure and when he feels ready to do so."
"But he insisted I let him take on a larger share of the housework."
"Sometimes I can get home from work and give my all to help around the house, but other times I'm just so tired."
"It makes me feel so much better to get home to a clean house, hot meal and just see his smile as I listen to him tell me what he did that day or about the book he just read or anything."
"I also have an account that I put into every month in the event that, for any reason, I'm no longer able to support him."
"While I hate to imagine any future where I'm not with him or am unable to look after him, I'd be a fool not to prepare for the worst-case scenario."
"He is the love of my life, and I never plan on leaving him, but I also know that we can't predict the future. The savings account that I put money into every month is for in case anything happens."
"If I were to pass I've left the house as well as that account to him as well as some other things."
"Neither of us can take money from the account unless I am unable to work for any reason (illness, injury), if god forbid we are ever to separate or upon my death."
"In all those cases, the money is solely for him. I have my own savings to take care of anything relating to the house or taxes."
"Now, onto the issue, my sister (32, female) and her partner (31, male) both work, and he also makes significantly less than her."
"My sister made more than I did before I got the business, and even now she isn't far behind me. She found herself drawn into a different industry, and our Dad helped her make connections in that industry."
"In private to me, she's made it known that she resents being the breadwinner."
"She sees all her male colleagues spoil and treat their wives and wishes her partner would do the same. He does, but just not to the same level due to the fact he makes basically half as much as they do."
"Her issue with her partner is not that they are not well off; it's that she's the one that makes 2/3 of their income, and she feels like her partner's gifts to her are not good enough."
"Recently, I was talking to her about what I am going to get Kim for his birthday next month. Since I took over from my Dad, I haven't used my home office at all."
"When we were back in college, we talked about a lot of things new couples talk about, like dreams for the future and crazy dream houses we know we could never have. One of the things Kim dreamt of was a library in his home, floor-to-ceiling bookshelves with those library ladders on rails, and a comfy space like a reading nook within the bookshelf."
"The week before his birthday, he's going back to his hometown to see his old friends for a week. So while he's there, I'm going to redo my old office and turn it into a mini library. The room isn't super big, but I think it will be big enough."
"I'm also going to be treating him to a book spree so that he can fill up the shelves. He already owns a lot of books, but I don't think they will put a dent in the shelving space I have planned."
"My sister kept telling me my ideas were too much and that I should get something cheaper since Kim 'doesn't contribute.'"
"I got a bit annoyed because I've told her about Kim's insecurities of not making enough money or being enough. I told her he contributes more than enough."
"She then called him a 'glorified gold digger.'"
"I yelled at her, telling her to shut up and to not talk about Kim that way."
"After calming down, I do feel bad. I know how she feels about her own financial position, but I don't think it's fair that she takes it out on me or Kim, even if Kim wasn't physically there."
"So AITA?"
The OP summed up their conundrum.
"I think I may be the a**hole because I kinda blew up at her, and I know about her feelings towards her current financial situation."
"Maybe it was my fault for bringing up gifts I want to give to my stay-at-home partner when I know that's what she wants for herself."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. Too many relationships get hung up on that 50/50 crap—both in money and other contributions."
"A true partnership is 100%. Some days you may only have 10% to give, and your partner has to make up the other 90%." ~ curlioier
"NTA. Your sister is unhappy and is seeing things with the wrong color lenses. I would be kind but firm with her."
"Tell her you empathize with her issues, but those issues are not in your relationship with Kim." ~ bugabooandtwo
"NTA. Feels like she's projecting her struggles onto your relationship and might be a bit jealous that she can't provide the same way you do or can't see a woman as the one who does so." ~ SweatDroplet
"NTA. She had no business commenting like that on your relationship."
"She is projecting her own insecurities about her relationship onto you and Kim." ~ Blahaj_shark_boy
"NTA - it sounds like your sister is projecting her frustrations/insecurities onto you and Kim."
"If your relationship with Kim works for you and he, sis needs to butt out." ~ Comfortable-Sea-2454
"NTA. The sister is unhappy with her partner and wants her brother to be unhappy with his. End of story." ~ spiritualskywalker
"And not just unhappy, but unhappy because her boyfriend doesn't make enough. Calling Kim a gold digger is a pure projection on Sis's part. NTA." ~ PerturbedHamster
"I think it's more that she doesn't want to work and wants a husband that will support her. She's upset that Kim is living the life she wants. NTA."
"Yeah, it's projection. 'This person is doing what I want to do and it's not fair, so I must attack them'." ~ thenseruame
"Honestly OP, you're on that king sh*t. You're prioritizing your partner's health and not making it a big deal like some people would."
"It sounds like your sister is insecure and jealous and needs to keep her nose out of your business and how your relationship works. NTA at all." ~ VidarHel
The OP's sister is clearly unhappy with her own life, but it doesn't mean she can lash out and denigrate her brother's happiness. It sounds like she needs to address her own demons.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.