A partnership should be give and take, but does it have to be exactly 50/50?
Is it inherently wrong if one partner makes more money than the other?
A man dealing with his sister’s comments about his relationship turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
KimSisterGoldDigger asked:
“AITA for yelling at my sister after she called my partner a gold digger?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So I (30, male) come from a well-off family, but my dad always taught me to work hard and have class. When I was 14 I started working at my Dad’s company part-time to earn my allowance, and when I turned 16 I became a real part-time employee.”
“My sister and I both got to work in the business when we were younger. But her passion pulled her into a different industry, whereas mine aligned with the industry our Dad’s company was in.”
“My Dad decided to retire when I was 29 and handed the business to me.”
“Back in my second year of uni, I met Kim (20, male at the time, 29, male now), we were in the same course and ended up in the same group for a group project near the beginning of the year, we had a similar sense of humour and clicked as friends quickly.”
“One day he mentioned he loves to cook and I told him we should cook together because I love to cook too, and that weekend we went to his place, brought some ingredients and cooked together.”
“This then became us going shopping for ingredients after classes on Friday, I’d stay at his place the night and we would cook on the weekend and this became our weekly routine.”
“Back then I told others that we were just friends, but with hindsight, that is definitely when I started to fall for him. I finally asked him out a few months later and he said yes.”
“We lived in the same house with two other friends in our 3rd year, and I asked him to move in with me after we graduated.”
“From the beginning, I told Kim that I would not care if he didn’t work, but he insisted he wanted to contribute financially. But after about a year, I had to make him stop.”
“Due to the differences in our incomes, he was working himself half to death and was getting ill trying to ‘contribute enough.'”
“I sat him down and told him that whatever amount of money he made didn’t matter, but if he wanted to work, I just wanted him to be happy. He cut back his hours, then moved to part-time, then decided to quit and work on his own projects.”
“He still works in his field, but as an outside contractor so he can take work on at his own leisure and when he feels ready to do so.”
“But he insisted I let him take on a larger share of the housework.”
“Sometimes I can get home from work and give my all to help around the house, but other times I’m just so tired.”
“It makes me feel so much better to get home to a clean house, hot meal and just see his smile as I listen to him tell me what he did that day or about the book he just read or anything.”
“I also have an account that I put into every month in the event that, for any reason, I’m no longer able to support him.”
“While I hate to imagine any future where I’m not with him or am unable to look after him, I’d be a fool not to prepare for the worst-case scenario.”
“He is the love of my life, and I never plan on leaving him, but I also know that we can’t predict the future. The savings account that I put money into every month is for in case anything happens.”
“If I were to pass I’ve left the house as well as that account to him as well as some other things.”
“Neither of us can take money from the account unless I am unable to work for any reason (illness, injury), if god forbid we are ever to separate or upon my death.”
“In all those cases, the money is solely for him. I have my own savings to take care of anything relating to the house or taxes.”
“Now, onto the issue, my sister (32, female) and her partner (31, male) both work, and he also makes significantly less than her.”
“My sister made more than I did before I got the business, and even now she isn’t far behind me. She found herself drawn into a different industry, and our Dad helped her make connections in that industry.”
“In private to me, she’s made it known that she resents being the breadwinner.”
“She sees all her male colleagues spoil and treat their wives and wishes her partner would do the same. He does, but just not to the same level due to the fact he makes basically half as much as they do.”
“Her issue with her partner is not that they are not well off; it’s that she’s the one that makes 2/3 of their income, and she feels like her partner’s gifts to her are not good enough.”
“Recently, I was talking to her about what I am going to get Kim for his birthday next month. Since I took over from my Dad, I haven’t used my home office at all.”
“When we were back in college, we talked about a lot of things new couples talk about, like dreams for the future and crazy dream houses we know we could never have. One of the things Kim dreamt of was a library in his home, floor-to-ceiling bookshelves with those library ladders on rails, and a comfy space like a reading nook within the bookshelf.”
“The week before his birthday, he’s going back to his hometown to see his old friends for a week. So while he’s there, I’m going to redo my old office and turn it into a mini library. The room isn’t super big, but I think it will be big enough.”
“I’m also going to be treating him to a book spree so that he can fill up the shelves. He already owns a lot of books, but I don’t think they will put a dent in the shelving space I have planned.”
“My sister kept telling me my ideas were too much and that I should get something cheaper since Kim ‘doesn’t contribute.'”
“I got a bit annoyed because I’ve told her about Kim’s insecurities of not making enough money or being enough. I told her he contributes more than enough.”
“She then called him a ‘glorified gold digger.'”
“I yelled at her, telling her to shut up and to not talk about Kim that way.”
“After calming down, I do feel bad. I know how she feels about her own financial position, but I don’t think it’s fair that she takes it out on me or Kim, even if Kim wasn’t physically there.”
“So AITA?”
The OP summed up their conundrum.Â
“I think I may be the a**hole because I kinda blew up at her, and I know about her feelings towards her current financial situation.”
“Maybe it was my fault for bringing up gifts I want to give to my stay-at-home partner when I know that’s what she wants for herself.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. Too many relationships get hung up on that 50/50 crap—both in money and other contributions.”
“A true partnership is 100%. Some days you may only have 10% to give, and your partner has to make up the other 90%.” ~ curlioier
“NTA. Your sister is unhappy and is seeing things with the wrong color lenses. I would be kind but firm with her.”
“Tell her you empathize with her issues, but those issues are not in your relationship with Kim.” ~ bugabooandtwo
“NTA. Feels like she’s projecting her struggles onto your relationship and might be a bit jealous that she can’t provide the same way you do or can’t see a woman as the one who does so.” ~ SweatDroplet
“NTA. She had no business commenting like that on your relationship.”
“She is projecting her own insecurities about her relationship onto you and Kim.” ~ Blahaj_shark_boy
“NTA – it sounds like your sister is projecting her frustrations/insecurities onto you and Kim.”
“If your relationship with Kim works for you and he, sis needs to butt out.” ~Â Comfortable-Sea-2454
“NTA. The sister is unhappy with her partner and wants her brother to be unhappy with his. End of story.” ~ spiritualskywalker
“And not just unhappy, but unhappy because her boyfriend doesn’t make enough. Calling Kim a gold digger is a pure projection on Sis’s part. NTA.” ~ PerturbedHamster
“I think it’s more that she doesn’t want to work and wants a husband that will support her. She’s upset that Kim is living the life she wants. NTA.”
“Yeah, it’s projection. ‘This person is doing what I want to do and it’s not fair, so I must attack them’.” ~ thenseruame
“Honestly OP, you’re on that king sh*t. You’re prioritizing your partner’s health and not making it a big deal like some people would.”
“It sounds like your sister is insecure and jealous and needs to keep her nose out of your business and how your relationship works. NTA at all.” ~ VidarHel
The OP’s sister is clearly unhappy with her own life, but it doesn’t mean she can lash out and denigrate her brother’s happiness. It sounds like she needs to address her own demons.