Family vacations—time spent with your relatives and their significant others and children—can create great memories.
Or it can lead to arguments and resentment.
A woman found herself enduring the latter so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Rushofgold asked:
"AITA for not wanting to watch my brother's kids on our family vacation?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm on vacation with my immediate family. I'm female, 30, and my two brothers are in their late 30s. They're both married and they each have kids (5 kids total ranging in age from 3-9 years old)."
"My parents are also on the trip, and I am accompanied by my boyfriend of 2 years."
"We're here for a week and it's been really fun so far. We have a mix of days where we have activities planned and then a few free days."
"My family has had a text thread going for months with all of the trip planning, so we knew which days were activity vs free days."
"My boyfriend and I planned a romantic dinner for one of the free nights at a really nice restaurant on the island. We made a reservation months ago because it books up."
"I was getting ready to go out and one of my sister-in-laws made a comment about me dressing up to stay in. I was confused and asked her to clarify."
"She said that she, my brother, and my other married brother and his wife, were doing a couples spa evening experience that they booked a few days earlier and they needed me and my boyfriend to watch all of their kids."
"She said my brother was supposed to have asked me earlier that day. He forgot to."
"When I explained that my boyfriend and I already had plans, she was super unsympathetic. She said they already prepaid for the spa experience and since we hadn't paid for the dinner yet, it wouldn't make sense for them to have to cancel their plans."
"I never agreed to watch their kids. I love my nieces and nephews, but my family knows I am childfree and have been for years."
"It's been a point of contention for a long time. I wouldn't mind watching them if I had been given advance notice, but to have them slapped on me when I had plans with my BF made me really upset."
"My sister-in-law said I didn't understand how much she needed the time away from her kids because I don't have kids of my own. She said I was being selfish and I could handle one night of 'being a mom'."
"It's not the point. I would've agreed if she had asked me months ago before my BF and I made dinner plans. I checked and we wouldn't be able to get another reservation before we leave."
"My parents walked in on us arguing, and eventually they offered to watch the kids. They were supposed to go to a free concert on the beach together but decided to cancel so someone could stay with the kids."
"I felt really bad but my mom insisted."
"Now it's the next day and my sister-in-law won't even look at me. I'm pissed at her too but we're stuck here for a week so I don't know what to do."
"My mom thinks I should apologize but I feel I'm the one owed the apology here."
"AITA?"
The OP added:
"Forgot to add—we are not staying in a resort/hotel that would have babysitting services. We're staying in a family friend's vacation house/rental property."
"My mom is very non-confrontational and just wants to keep the peace while we're on vacation, so I understand that, but I'm planning on talking to my brothers about it today when I have a chance alone with them."
"My oldest brother (not the one who is married to the SIL I was talking about here) told me not to worry about it this morning so he sees my side of things, I think."
"It's not like her kids were left abandoned; they were taken care of. I don't understand why she's so mad at me today."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I refused to watch my brother's kids so I wouldn't miss a dinner, and it made my parents have to cancel their own plans."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided unanimously that the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. Your SIL should be mad at your brother for not asking you for one thing. But they also should have asked you before booking."
"It sucks that 'they need this,' but they are the parents, and there are more options besides assuming you will do it and then trying to guilt trip you when you don't."
"If you haven't already, you should talk to both of your brothers about this. You're their sister and they wanted you to watch their kids but thought it was fine not to ask and let your SIL bully you into it."
"That's a one-way ticket to never having you babysit. And your mom is out of line for asking you to apologize rather than having a word with her son and DIL about how rude and immature they're being." ~ friendlily
"Not to mention SIL's jab about at least she could handle being a mom for an evening. Yuks, there are reasons for being child-free,the really big hint is FREE." ~ Strange-Bed9518
"100% OP isn't a mum so she doesn't need to handle being a mum for a night or a minute. SIL however is a mum and therefore needs to sort her stuff out."
"No babysitter? No spa."
"You only booked it a few nights ago? Rebook."
"OP booked months out and had not agreed to mind your children. Their plans win." ~ StickyAction
"Exactly this. I've got a kid, and my sister has three. She wanted me to hold her baby one time, so she could eat her dinner while we were visiting our dad."
"I couldn't hold the baby and eat my own food, and my sister kind of laughed and said, 'Now you know what I'm going through'."
"I had a chat with her about her entitlement because she chose to have three kids, so she gets to deal with not having time to herself." ~ lydsbane
"She is mad because she expects that you will drop everybody for their children, regardless of your plans. She strikes me as extremely selfish and narcissistic- everything revolves around her."
"Do not apologize. If anything, ask your brother why they thought it was ok to demand YOU babysit?"
"Don't let them guilt you for their wrongdoing." ~ SorryRestaurant3421
"NTA - this is all I needed to read:"
"'My sister-in-law said I didn't understand how much she needed the time away from her kids because I don't have kids of my own'."
"Can't handle kids, don't have kids."
"'She said I was being selfish and I could handle one night of "being a mom"'."
"Nope. Childfree means that you do not want to be a 'mom.' Not even for a night."
"SIL needs to put her entitlement in check, and the fact that your brother did not step in is leaving me flabbier-absolutely-gasted. There is no part of this story that you are responsible for."
"If your mother thinks that YOU should be the one to apologize, show her this post. This IS a hill to die on and we are here to support you."
"Hopefully, you and your BF can find a way to enjoy the rest of the vacation. All the best, OP." ~ slap-a-frap
"I will die on this hill too. I'm 34 and childless, and the number of stories I read on here about entitled parents drives me absolutely mad."
"OP's free time isn't any less valuable because she doesn't have kids, and the fact that her SIL thinks she can just dump her children on her whenever because her plans aren't nearly as important proves how little respect she has for OP and her life choices."
"Girl, stand your ground. You are not in the wrong."
"Not even a little bit. Your brother and SIL's lack of planning and communication, as well as any wasted money on a missed spa day, are not your problem. NTA, obviously." ~ onegirlthreepups
"I'm 34 and have 3 kids and I agree. No one else chose to have those children."
"The only ones with responsibility toward them are me and my husband."
"I'm grateful and pleased usually when family offer to babysit or spend time with them because my kids love their family, and I enjoy quiet time too, but I genuinely like my children, and a lot of what I do is more fun with them."
"We did a vacation recently with my family and my parents took turns watching my kids twice so me and my husband could enjoy a child-free evening/dinner and that was nice, but I would never ever plan or assume someone else was free to watch them and make plans on that assumption."
"It's so rude and entitled! I will never ever understand people like that." ~ Engineer-Huge
"NTA. Securing childcare is the FIRST thing a responsible parent does when planning a night out." ~ Wide-Heron-1015
The OP didn't provide an update, so hopefully, the rest of their vacation went well.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.