There is no one way to grieve.
One constant truth about grief though is the feeling of loneliness.
The world keeps spinning while so many stay stuck.
That’s why when people are in the throws of grief they can make demands that may rub others the wrong way.
Case in point…
Redditor Ice-Ice-Revolution to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to take my S[ister] I[n] L[aw] on a romantic getaway?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (F[emale] 28) have been friends with Brittany (F 28) since we were about five or six, and we are very close to this day.”
“As part of having a friendship with me, she was around my brother (M[a]e, would be 30) quite a lot as children, and their romance blossomed as teenagers.”
“They were married five years ago.”
“Unfortunately, my brother passed two years ago in a tragic accident and left behind a mountain of debt for Brittany.”
“She was eight months pregnant at the time, and ended up moving in with my parents.”
“Her and her daughter, Lilac (2 F), live with my parents to this day, and the family alternate watching Lilac so Brittany can get her degree.”
“Everyone has really rallied around Brittany in such a trying time.”
“For Christmas, my husband (M 30) bought an all-inclusive trip for him and me to explore Paris and have a romantic getaway.”
“I have always had France on my wish list, and I am so grateful to him for such a wonderful gift.”
“We leave in February for two weeks, and it is honestly a dream come true.”
“I told my parents about the gift, and they then told Brittany, who called me in floods of tears asking that I take her instead of my husband.”
“She said that she will never be able to experience a romantic getaway like that with her own husband and that we (my husband and I) could just go again at another time.”
“She said she gave up everything to raise Lilac and she would love for us to have a girl’s trip like we did when we were younger.”
“I told Brittany that that was not possible, this was a gift from my husband to me and I fully expected to have a romantic getaway with him.”
“Brittany told me that I was punishing her for being a widow and that it was unfair I would have a ‘love affair in Paris’ while she cried at my brother’s grave.”
“My husband thinks she is trying to make me feel guilty but said he would step out of the trip if I would like to take Brittany.”
“The thing is that I want to go with my husband.”
“But my parents have since called to tell me that they would watch Lilac and that I should not rub my happy marriage in Brittany’s face.”
“My mom told me I would be selfish to leave a grieving widow over Valentine’s Day.”
“Am I being an AH?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. That’s such an unreasonable request, and frankly, if that’s the way she feels, she should be going for therapy.”
“You’re not throwing your marriage in her face, you’re celebrating your marriage between you and your husband.” ~ Mobile_Prune_3207
“Moreover your parents are the ones who told Brittany about the trip, not you.”
“So how can they say you are rubbing it in her face.”
“Take a weekend with her to the spa if you want to, but do not compromise about your gift.”
“And to be honest the fact she said you are punishing her for being a widow by going to Paris with your husband makes me think she is highly manipulative and/or she needs therapy rather than a trip.”
“So perhaps you and your parents could pay for therapy if you can afford it.” ~ Couette-Couette
“And what do you want to bet, if OP did take SIL to Paris instead of going with her husband, the second Brittany finds a new man, she would jet off to some romantic location.”
“OP is NTA and should have her romantic trip to Paris with her HUSBAND.”
“Brittany might just calm down about it by the time they go, hopefully.” ~ Creative_Energy533
“I think a trip to the spa would be fine just to relax, talk, and find out what all the hell mommy and daddy have been saying because OP in no way rubbed her marriage in SIL’s face.”
“And the parents were very oddly accusatory considering they were the ones who broke the news, to begin with.”
“I feel like the parents may have more to do with this than anything.” ~ PawnedPawn
“I think the parents want Brittany to be a depressed widow, dependent on them for support because it means she is still mourning their son and they get to have their grandchild.”
“They are probably afraid of her meeting someone who will take her on romantic getaways because what if he wants Brittany and Lilac to erase their son from their memories?”
“We have seen so many stories on this sub from kids whose stepparents/living parent expected them to just forget their dead parents and play happy family.”
“It isn’t unrealistic to worry that could happen, but they are being a**holes about it if that is what they are doing.” ~ Historical_Agent9426
“Exactly. They are using Brittany, Lilac, and Brittany’s grief to hold onto a sort of connection to OP’s brother.”
“This is extremely unhealthy for the parents, Brittany, and her child.”
“I can’t tell the parents that burying your child is something you can ever fully recover from.”
“But they need to get into therapy to learn how to deal with their grief in a healthier manner.” ~ Songshiquan0411
“The parents are coming across as toxic and manipulative.”
“Why on Earth would they have even told Brittany about the trip?”
“They obviously knew it was going to bother her to hear about a happy couple going on a nice trip.”
“Are they also jealous of this extravagant Christmas gift?”
“I mean, I know grieving can last for a long time, but it’s been two years.”
“Two years should be enough time to come to terms with the loss and not project feelings of resentment and jealousy onto a supposed friend/family member.”
“Also, considering what OP said about her brother leaving Brittany in immense debt, makes me wonder if Brittany would have acted jealous and crazy even if her own husband were still alive because she and her own husband could never afford such a nice trip.”
“She is just using her loss as a crutch and excuse to get her way.” ~ BobbleWobblez
“The way I see it, it is not to reward her behavior.”
“But her request is so delirious that I question her mental state.”
“As OP and SIL are friends, giving her a break could allow her to open up to OP.”
“However, I wouldn’t blame OP if she wants to go low contact with her SIL as she has clearly some issues.”
“Especially with her parents who enable such behavior.”
“And of course, therapy is something SIL should seek.” ~ Couette-Couette
“Exactly! She’s using OP’s brother’s death to get her way!”
‘OP should kindly remind her that she also lost her brother and needs and deserves time away with her own husband.”
“OP’s husband undoubtedly spent a small fortune on this trip, so it’s absurd for Brittany to act entitled to go solely because she lost her husband two years ago!”
“The whole family lost him, not just her.”
“Honestly, how dare she even make such a request.”
“It’s OP’s Christmas gift, and the gift was meant for two specific people.”
“If Brittany wants a Paris vacation, Brittany should work for it like everyone else.” ~ BobbleWobblez
“NTA. Seems more like she’s trying to punish you for being happily married.”
“Not sure what your finances are like, but if you’re so inclined, maybe start putting a little away to take her on a girl’s trip in the future?”
“Turn the ‘we’ in ‘we could just go another time’ into you and her.”
“Tell her then you two could actually have a trip that’s about you two and not a borrowed romantic vacation that will only sour because neither of you will be getting romantic.” ~ not_princess_leia
“All of this. This is a totally unhinged request.”
“Additionally Brittany’s story is more reason to go out and enjoy life with your spouse because life can change in an instant.”
“Make happy memories!”
“Also can you imagine how awful a trip to a romantic place would be with someone who is this anti-seeing romance?!”
“She’d totally ruin it.” ~ Sad_Appearance4733
“I have empathy for Brittany’s loss.”
“That said, she is being exceptionally manipulative here.”
“This is not OK.”
“She cannot just demand things from others because she feels she deserves it or use her grief as a bargaining chip.”
“I would firmly tell her and your parents that this is not happening.”
“And be a bit more direct with the parents that they cannot expect you to damage your own marriage or hurt your husband because Brittany wants a free trip.” ~ Electrical-Date-3951
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
Everyone feels for Brittany and your parents, too.
But you and your husband also deserve a nice vacation as well.
Safe travels.