How much is too much and how far is too far when it comes to public displays of affection, or PDA?
What won’t offend one person might scandalize another.
But, unfortunately, many people also apply double standards. While hand holding, hugs, and quick kiss are completely acceptable when the couple is heterosexual, homophobic bigots balk when they see the exact same behavior from any couple they perceive as not being a man and woman—leading to even heterosexual couples being targeted by their ignorance.
As bad as those double standards and discrimination are, it’s worse when the bigot is a family member.
A sister tired of getting flak from her sister turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit for feedback.
Real_Big_2518 asked:
“AITA for not caring anymore about my sister’s issues with me showing PDA with my partner?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So my girlfriend (21, female) and I (22, female) have been together for 4 years, and when it comes to PDA, we’re actually pretty chill and we’re pretty mindful. We know what’s too much, like a** grabbing, making out, weird baby talk in public, and we don’t do that stuff.”
“We would just hold hands, hug, or kiss occasionally. We’re also super aware that PDA makes some people uncomfortable, so we try to be respectful and dial it down around others when it seems like it might be too much or we’re just in an environment that doesn’t call for that.”
“The issue is my older sister (34). She constantly picks at any little bit of affection we show. It honestly feels like she’s made it her personal mission to criticize how we act around each other.”
“She’ll get annoyed or judgmental even if we’re just holding hands.”
“She also complains when I bring my partner along to things and says she feels like a third wheel (which I totally understand, but I don’t bring my partner to everything). It’s not like I’m dragging her everywhere we go.”
“So I’m going to give some examples; there are a few, but I’ll leave it to the two recent events I can think of.”
“On my birthday, I went on a trip to Florida with some friends and my sister. I was sick the whole time, and my girlfriend was just holding my hand and being supportive.”
“My sister texted me during the trip to say the PDA was too much for her. So we stopped, there was no more hand-holding or anything, the rest of the time. Nobody else seemed bothered, and we weren’t doing anything over the top.”
“My sister invited me and my girlfriend to go to an amusement park with her and a friend. We held hands occasionally, and kissed a few times, but mostly not even in their view.”
“Nothing wild in my opinion, but literally just normal couple stuff. I also comforted my girlfriend when she felt sick from the rides. Today, we went out for breakfast and did some thrifting before heading back home (we live a few states away).”
“Again, same deal, held hands sometimes, maybe kissed like three times the whole day.”
“At one point we playfully shared a stick of gum—which I’ll admit could look weird from the outside, but it was just us being silly, no kissing or anything, feel like that’s the most over the top thing we might have done the whole trip.”
“Out of nowhere, my sister snaps and starts yelling at us, saying we were being ‘inappropriate’ the whole trip, and if she acted like that with her ex, we’d hate it. We apologized and left early.”
“The thing is, it’s starting to feel like nothing is acceptable to her. She doesn’t want us to show any affection at all, and honestly, it feels really judgmental and projecting.”
“It’s made me feel kind of ashamed just for holding my partner’s hand, which is something I think is completely harmless and sweet. When straight couples do it, it’s seen as normal or even cute. Why should I feel weird for doing the same?”
“So yeah, AITA for not really caring anymore about how she feels about our PDA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I continued to show small signs of affection with my partner, like holding hands or quick kisses, even after my sister expressed that she thinks it’s too much.”
“Disregarding her feelings about it might make me the a**hole.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA: I don’t know what to say without sounding rude, but I think your sister is either jealous or is secretly homophobic.” ~ UpsetChemistry8943
“I wouldn’t say ‘secretly’ honestly.” ~ angry-redstone
“It’s not even a secret anymore. She’s obviously homophobic.” ~ GreyJediBug
“NTA. You are right, whatever big feelings Sister has are in clear view.”
OP, you are overindulging your sister. If she finds your PDA unbearable, she needs to look away or reduce her contact. Nothing you have described rises to the point of being awkward to be around.”
“Stop making excuses for yourself and your relationship. Either ignore her complaints going forward, or tell her that since you aren’t doing anything more than heterosexual couples around you are doing, you will chalk her discomfort up to homophobia, in which case the onus is on her to avoid contact.” ~ Rude_Vermicelli2268
“Sweetheart, I don’t think it’s a PDA problem anymore. She sounds homophobic, sadly. I’m so sorry you have to put up with her. NTA at all.” ~ BlanketBurrito22
“NTA. I may have missed it, but does she have this problem when other couples show PDA, or just you and your partner?”
“Also, does it feel like there’s actually some homophobia going on?”
“Either way, NTA, remind your sister that this is your partner, who you love, and the two of you will show PDA like any other couple has the right to!” ~ CaregiverCool3423
“NTA….Your sister is either homophobic or jealous of your relationship. From what I see, there is nothing wrong with the PDA you say you are doing.”
“If so, my husband and I would be in the same boat as you guys. We hold hands when out, we kiss occasionally, we hug. That is it.”
“So, I would tell your sister she either gets over it, or you just hang out less.” ~ Worth-Season3645
“NTA, I completely missed that you’re a queer couple and was really confused about what the problem was until the ‘when straight couples do it’. I’d have a serious talk with her, either it’s internalised homophobia (not 100% intentional) or just homophobia.”
“You’re doing nothing wrong. This is a ‘her’ problem, not a ‘you’ problem. She can either start acting like an adult or not. The only thing you can do then is protect your own peace.” ~ WitchAstra1998
“Does she only have a problem when you’re holding hands/kissing in public? Because if it’s all the time, she definitely sounds homophobic whether she wants to admit it or not.”
“If it’s only in public, she could be nervous about what other people think/how they will react, which could be homophobic OR concern for you guys getting harassed by homophobic others, however, you’re grown adults and she doesn’t get to make that choice for you.”
“Also, other people need to get a grip if they have an issue with hand-holding and a few kisses.” ~ Altruistic_Ad_9821
“Holding hands and the occasional peck are in no way considered too affectionate in the company of others.”
“You’re not sticking your tongues down each other’s throats in front of your sister, and you’re sure as hell not doing anything wrong, which means your sister’s issue runs deeper.
“Either she has some kind of unresolved trauma or something, or perhaps she’s homophobic. Either way, NTA.” ~ Ok_Reputation_3612
“Your sister is homophobic. She can pretend you’re not queer as long as you’re not in a relationship, but when you are, you’re breaking her perfect reality where you’re actually straight.”
“So she’s trying to stop your affection with your partner so it doesn’t alter her fantasy world.”
“She’s the AH. You’re young, happy in your relationship, and she isn’t happy that you’re happy. If you keep changing how you show your partner affection it’s going to start to affect your relationship and could end it.”
“Which is what your sister wants. So next time she makes a snide comment or says you’re being too much, tell her to look the other direction. Don’t let her dictate your personal relationships. Tell her to mind her own business.” ~ introvert_tea
“Not going to lie, I’m a prude. I hate PDA with a passion. I give people a little wriggle room if they are clearly coming out of a church in a wedding gown/tux or going off to/coming back from a war.”
“Other than that, my baseline response is to think ‘Get a room’. Here’s the thing, the amount of PDA you’re describing is well within MY standards for acceptable displays in public (unless you’re misrepresenting yourself and you’re actually giving each other prolonged kisses with tongue).”
“I don’t care about the makeup of the couple (races, religion, age, genders) unless one is clearly underage and their partner isn’t, or there is clearly coercion involved.”
“If I as a 50+ ace prude am okay with it, I think other posters are right and your sister is likely homophobic. NTA.” ~ Andreiisnthere
The OP probably needs to confront her sister to find out her reason for objecting or plan to spend a lot less time with her.
If the OP’s love is objectionable to her sister, then they don’t need to spend time together.