Some siblings are incredibly close throughout life. Others don’t get along as children but are close as adults. Or vice versa.
Then some siblings are never close for any one of a number of reasons.
A woman who has never been close to her sister turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after declining her request to be her maid-of-honor.
Altruistic_Help_8069 asked:
“AITA for refusing to be my sister’s maid-of-honor since I wasn’t her first choice?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (30, female) come from a family of twins. My mom (59, female) was a twin, my dad’s (58, male) father was a twin, and I have four siblings who are twins to each other.”
“The first pair were my brothers Alan (35, mzle) and Adam and the second pair were my sisters Bella (32, female) and Julia. When I was born it was just me and the disappointment in that was made known throughout my entire childhood.”
“My mom prided herself on being a ‘twin mom’ and I didn’t fit the aesthetic, so she didn’t put that much effort into me. My siblings were constantly off doing twin things and I was almost never included.”
“Whenever my dad would try to get my siblings to include me, my brothers were quick to say that they were against it while my sisters would reluctantly let me come, but made it obvious that I wasn’t wanted and that I had such a terrible time that I wouldn’t want to come ever again.”
“My dad had to work a lot so my mom was mostly in control and would always let her twin children get their way.”
“I was hurt so many times growing up, but by the time I was in middle school, I gave up and developed really good friendships to fill the void.”
“Fast forward to high school and my siblings really wanted to do an overseas trip on my parents’ dime, but my father refused until Bella and Julia suggested that it would be a good way for me to finally bond with them as they were going to go to a country I was interested in.”
“My dad agreed under the condition that I go too, and that’s when they started buttering me up and showering me with attention. It took a couple of months, but I finally was convinced that my siblings loved me, so when they mentioned the trip, I agreed.”
“However when we got there, they went back to their old ways and started ignoring me and all the fun activities that were scheduled were only for two or four people due to a ‘mistake’ with the booking.”
“As the non-twin I was the odd one out and didn’t get to do anything, but since it was too late to get a refund for anything and the return ticket had already been purchased, my parents told me to just make the best of the situation.”
“My dad was the only one who tried to make it up to me, but I was done with my siblings after that.”
“I have very little contact with my siblings. I only see them during family events and never text or call.”
“I am in therapy because of my family, and my therapist agrees that I should exercise my boundaries and shouldn’t do things to appease my siblings and mother like I used to.”
“Fast forward to last year, and my siblings were in a bad car accident. Adam and Julia didn’t make it, but I didn’t feel sad about it.”
“My siblings were out on one of their famous ‘twins only’ outings and were hit by a drunk driver. One passed away before the ambulance got there, and the other passed at the hospital.”
“I was in shock and initially in disbelief, but not sad because these were people I had more bad memories with than good ones and stopped loving years ago. I would honestly be more upset if my best friend’s brother died than my own, and I’m not sure if I’ll even cry if my mom passes.”
“Julia was supposed to be Bella’s maid-of-honor (MOH), and she recently asked me to be her MOH instead, but I quietly refused. At first, I said I wouldn’t be able to give Bella the time she needed, but her other bridesmaids said they could pick up the slack.”
“Bella, Alan, my mom, and a few relatives said that it would mean a lot if I could do it, and eventually I just snapped and said that I knew full well Bella has never liked me and that I don’t care about fostering a relationship with her now that the sister she wanted is gone.”
“My words triggered Bella and Alan, and they were very upset with me while my mom won’t stop berating me.”
“A few people in my family are trying to spin it as losing their twin and another sibling made them finally appreciate their remaining sister.”
“While I am open to it being true since my brother and sister have an almost entirely different personality now (trauma can do that), it doesn’t erase the years of damage they did or make me want to try with them again.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I think I may be the a**hole because I know that Bella is still emotionally devastated from losing Julia.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Seems like she picked you to foster the image of the ‘perfect family coming together after a tragedy’ more than out of any desire to have you close.”
“Besides, MoH is a big deal; if you don’t feel like you can do it and her justice, you shouldn’t. Them pushing you till you snapped… that’s on them.” ~ Demented-Alpaca
“While there has been a horrific change in their family, their ill-treatment of OP has been for years. NTA.” ~ lmmontes
“I think Bella would put on a mask and be nice to OP for the lead-up to the wedding; gee, won’t that look good to all the guests? And then go right back to ignoring OP.”
“You cannot erase 30 years of ill-treatment overnight. And it is a completely true statement that if Julia had not died, OP would have NO role in this wedding. NTA.” ~ One_Ad_704
“They have been and continue to treat you like a spare part.”
“Shoved in the back of a messy kitchen drawer when it wasn’t needed or wanted, but now that they have a need for the spare (whether well-intentioned or not—although I doubt it is well-intentioned based off their reactions and lack of a sincere, deep apology and atonement) they are desperately trying to claw the spare part out from the back of the drawer and use it to fix the family image at your sister’s wedding.”
“NTA. I would skip the wedding and block any contact with anyone trying to guilt trip you about this. If they truly want to bond with you now, then it should be done after your sister’s wedding and AFTER PUBLIC sincere apologies to you.”
“They have no problem complaining about you to everyone, so they should have no problem apologizing in front of everyone.” ~ Specialist_Point1980
“NTA. Your siblings can’t treat you like crap your whole life and then try and have a relationship only because they lost their other siblings. They made their bed when you were a child, and now they can lay in it.” ~ Freeverse711
“NTA. Being second choice or never picked is a bad feeling. If your sister wants to foster a relationship with you, a wedding isn’t the way.”
“She’d make time when things weren’t about her to build a relationship. Good that you chose yourself and your peace of mind.” ~ Sea-Tea-4130
“NTA—everyone else but you and your dad are a**holes here. I hate how others are positioning you as being insensitive for your response.”
“In a house of all twins I could understand why you may be the odd one out and how much hurt that caused you.”
“It sounds like you were consistently and intentionally pushed aside for nearly 18 years (operating on the assumption you moved out at that age—maybe longer/less). That’s more that half your life and a long time to feel like an outsider to your own family and build on that hurt.”
“Losing someone is extremely hard, and I can’t imagine losing my sister. It sounds like your siblings cast you aside enough that you don’t feel as much familial obligation/love, and it’s okay for you to feel like that.”
“You gently declined, and we were consistently pressed until you finally snapped. Even with what you said, I still don’t think you’re the a**hole. Your family needed the harsh dose of reality.”
“Your sister would never have chosen you to be her MOH if her twin were alive, at least based on how you describe the situation. You are right; you were second place, something you were never going to say out loud to her or anyone until they kept pressing you to the point of angry snapping.”
“This is human, and had they just let it be (like they should have), you all could have gone about your lives, but they kept at it.”
“No is a complete sentence in every context. You said no to being MOH. That’s all there is to it.”
“I’m sorry your mom and siblings suck. I’m sorry that people are saying that you’re in the wrong.”
“But when you look at the overall picture, I’m surprised you even talk to any of them. Maybe your relationships will get better one day but there is a lot of hurt to unpack. Good luck, OP.” ~ Accomplished_Gas473
After a lifetime of little to no relationship, a wedding is not the time to try to manufacture one.
Saying no was probably best for everyone.