When a close friend or family member begins seeing someone new, people always have the inclination to be protective.
Wondering if their new partner is, in fact, “good enough” for them, resulting in these new partners often finding themselves scrutinized.
Even if their hearts are technically in the right place, this seldom goes over well with the friend or family member being looked out for.
The sister of Redditor ThrowRA-AITABIL made no secret to her family that her fiancé had a past he was less than proud of.
But when the original poster (OP) learned the true extent of her future brother-in-law (FBIL)’s past, she wasted no time in making it known to the family.
Badly affecting her sister’s engagement, as well as the OP’s own relationship with her sister.
Wondering if her behavior was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for exposing my future BIL’s shady past to my family?”
The OP explained how upon learning of her FBIL’s past, she felt she couldn’t keep it a secret from the rest of her family.
“I’m 37 F[female], and I come from a close-knit family.”
“I have 2 younger siblings (28 M[ale] and 27 F), and my sister recently got engaged to FBIL (23 M) after dating him for around a year.”
“We all know him well, and I have always got along with him.”
“He comes from a rough background, but he has always been very polite and charming.”
“He doesn’t talk about his own family or about his upbringing.”
“My sister said it’s a painful topic for him, so no one ever pushed.”
“There was recently a family event which FBIL attended.”
“He was quiet during the day (he is normally high-energy and sociable), then disappeared for a while.”
“When I went outside for some fresh air, I bumped into him.”
“He was emotional and said it was a hard day for him due to negative associations.”
“He ended up offloading some quite shocking things from his past, including that he has a history of very serious drug use (including needles) and that he has done sex work and porn (men and women).”
“I felt for him at the time because he was so upset (literally crying on my shoulder), but afterward, I felt more and more uncomfortable.”
“I still feel bad for him since he clearly regrets it, but it’s very shocking to find out he has that kind of history, and it does make me feel differently about him.”
“Obviously, I told my husband what FBIL told me because I didn’t feel comfortable keeping it to myself.”
“I also told my sister because I didn’t know how honest he had been with her, and it could impact her decision to marry him.”
“She was angry and said she was fully aware, and it doesn’t make her think less of him.”
“I know others might disagree, but I decided if my sister and FBIL weren’t going to bring it up then it was my responsibility to make sure my family had the information they needed to make an informed choice about what kind of relationship they have with him.”
“My parents agreed that it was the right thing to do and were grateful.”
“My brother said he could see my point but didn’t think it was my responsibility to share that information.”
“My brother’s wife thought I was out of line.”
“When my sister found out I told our family about FBIL’s sketchy past, she was very angry.”
“She is now refusing to speak to me altogether because, apparently, this has affected FBIL quite badly.”
“They are no longer engaged because ‘he thinks he’s not good enough for her,’ and no one in my family has seen him since all of this happened.”
“Obviously, that wasn’t my intention, and no one said ‘he isn’t good enough.'”
“I think it’s naive to pretend that you see someone exactly the same way after finding out they’re an addict. Whether you like it or not, there are risks that come with that lifestyle, and relapses are common.”
“I’m concerned that my sister will get hurt, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for my family to have access to the same information I do, especially when they’re inviting him to their homes, and there are children around, etc.”
“AITA for informing my family about FBIL’s background?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who felt she was, indeed, the a**hole for disclosing her FBIL’s past to her family.
Everyone agreed that the OP stuck her nose in where it didn’t belong, particularly as her FBIL was clearly not proud of his past and wanted to move on from it.
“You should have minded your own business, especially once you realized your sister already knew.”
“What an awful thing to do.”- rosiecat220803
“Maybe you didn’t realize because you’re so blinded by your own ego, but he’s 23.”
“That would indicate that he got started on drugs and sex work at a younger, much more vulnerable age.”
“Most 18-year-olds aren’t aspiring to be addicts or porn stars.”
“Do you know anything about his financial or living situations at that time?”
“Do you have any idea how he ended up in that situation?”
“Can you even imagine the shame and guilt he must feel without the added pressure of knowing how harshly you and your family judge him?”
“Next time (if there even is a next time) that someone trusts you with personal information… try compassion over your ‘holier than thou’ approach, and you might find that people with pasts they’re ashamed of can be some of the greatest people you ever meet.”- Rough-Parsnip2594
“You had someone in a vulnerable position tell you something in confidence only to turn around, judge them, and then make sure everyone else had the same opportunity to pass judgment themselves.”
“Your sister told you she knew, and that’s where it should have stopped.”
“It’s not your place to out someone’s personal lives to people that aren’t already privy to said information.”
“To think you could possibly not be TA is so jaded it’s sick.”
“I hope you enjoyed the relationship you had with your sister because it’s destroyed now because of your ‘Holier than thou’ sense of judgment.”- TophEsauruS
“You should be ashamed of yourself.”- Quirky-Honeydew-2541
“You didn’t think it was your responsibility to keep your family informed.”
“You wanted to let everyone know what you know, that you were the one he turned to.”
“He was feeling very vulnerable, and you were there to take advantage of it.”
“Rather than thinking how incredibly difficult it was for him to turn his life around, you saw him in a worse, negative way.”
“You are judgmental, opinionated, and attention-seeking.”
“That you feel no regret is further evidence of this.”
“You let your sister and FBIL down and have caused them incredible pain.”
“Shame on you.”- SheeScan
“BIL’s story is for him to tell, not you.”
“They didn’t bring it up for a reason.”
“Your sister has every right to be angry at you.”
“He confided in you, and what did you do in return?”
“So they could make an ‘informed’ decision?”
“Would you like someone to tell your parents your secrets without your permission?”
“Yea, what you did was garbage.”
“YTA, and I hope your sister stays away from you.”
“You are not a trustworthy person at all.”- Embarrassed_Advice59
“What kind of home life did he have, or did even ask?”
“Maybe his parents used it in front of him?”
“It was your sister’s decision, not yours.”- Adorable_Tie_7220
“And it was 100% your intention to separate them.”
“No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes.”- TheOneAndOnly75
“You most certainly are the AH.”
“If your sister knows about his past and he has been responsibly dealing with his addictions, then you have no business putting his business out there.”
“Your judging him on past behaviors that you didn’t even have a clue about and obviously haven’t noticed in the time you’ve known him.”- Critical_Limit7348
“You’re not a good person.”- Historical_Quiet3909
“Mind your own damn business!”
“That your sister knew the truth is ALL that matters.”- Prestigious_Badger36
“You are my worst nightmare.”
“Everything I pray my friends and family are not.”
“The deepest circle of Hell is reserved for the treacherous.”
“This man cried on your shoulder and told you his deepest secrets.”
“You then proceeded to gossip like a callous, shortsighted, middle school snotball.”
“Good job screwing over your familial relationships, possibly forever.”
“If I were your sister, I’d never trust you again.”
“I understand that you’re concerned for the children in your family, but you could have discussed it further with your sister instead of taking matters into your own hands.”
“It might have resulted in a fight, but nothing like the sh*t you’ve gotten yourself into now.”
“If you want even a microscopic hope of unscrewing yourself, you need to apologize right away.”- GiraBuca
It does seem that the OP acted in the best interest of her sister.
What’s less clear is what she was hoping sharing this information with her family would accomplish.
If it was to put an end to her sister’s marriage, then her mission was a success.
Though the lasting animosity she created between OP and her sister would seem to render her mission a failure.