Consent isn't just about sex.
It's also about getting permission before entering someone else's space or exposing their personal information.
A woman wiho feels violated after her sister shared intimate details about her life without her consent turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and include a wider variety of topics. But there are no designated voting acronyms or an official judgment.
Public-Performer9497 asked:
"AITAH for wanting to hold my sister accountable for publishing information about my private trauma where my baby boy died without asking me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"This is just a long and complicated story, so please bear with me."
"9 years ag,o I lost a baby boy in childbirth at 41 weeks who was stillborn. This was after a complicated and pretty traumatic pregnancy due to genetic complications from me and my husband, leading to concern about the baby's viability and needing amniocentesis to confirm the baby was OK."
"We both carry a recessive gene that is fatal and has no treatment, and there was a 25% chance that the baby had the disease, and we would have to decide to abort or have the baby and watch it die over the first few years of its life."
"We ended up finding out he was genetically healthy around 20 weeks, the rest of the pregnancy was relatively normal, and then the pregnancy unexpectedly ended in a full-term stillbirth. This really f*cked me up, like to the point that it still makes me very sad after 9 years."
"My subsequent IVF pregnancies leading to two living children have been very high stress, filled with anxiety, and emotional. Motherhood/family is very important to me, I think in part due to losing my first child and just wanting to be very present and involved with my girls."
"Fast forward like 4-ish years, and my sister, who I was always pretty close to, published an article in an internationally read magazine—the online version, honestly not sure if it was in the print version—and in the article she wrote about her own experience with postpartum and as a mother to her son."
"But she included very private details and information about my son who died and my stillbirth—medical information and other things I would never have agreed to share. She did not ask my permission and did not give me any warning ahead of time."
"I basically woke up one morning, and a bunch of friends had reached out asking if I had given her permission to write about me and my son. They were surprised that I would give permission, knowing this has been a very painful experience for me and knowing that I am a private person."
"I had no idea what they were talking about, read the article, was very triggered reading it, and, long story short, had an emotional breakdown. It was the idea that all these strangers were reading about my private life and had access to information that I would never have shared with them."
"It made me feel first of all like I was back in the moments after my son died and secondly like I was being continually retraumatized by all these people reading about it without my consent."
"Acquaintances/work colleagues/etc... who I never told about this experience started asking me about it and trying to talk to me about it—people who I would not have shared with about my private life in that level of detail."
"I told my sister I was very upset by this, and I thought it was objectively wrong of her. We had a huge fight and essentially have not spoken since this happened."
"Our last communication was that she would ask my permission if she were ever to write about our overlapping experience again. This also really pissed me off because it made me feel like she was centering herself in my life and trauma and kind of trying to take ownership of something that literally did not happen to her."
"My perspective is that she did something pretty awful and that she has not apologized or taken any mitigating steps to repair. She did technically apologize—she sent a note with flowers that literally said one line—'we are sorry for your pain'."
"I don't consider this any type of apology as she is not taking responsibility for her actions. I don't know who 'we' is, and it is not enough of an apology to make up for what she did."
"Fast forward to this year, and she has now published a book also based on her postpartum and motherhood experience. I knew that she was publishing a book, but I assumed per our last communication that she would not include information about my son's death or anything about my family in the book."
"Well, I was wrong. A friend sent me a screenshot of one of the reviews in which my stillbirth was mentioned. The review says, 'I also recoiled in the way she described her sister's stillbirth, and just hope that her sister was part of the process and agreed to having something so tragic and personal exposed in such a callused and frankly self-absorbed way'."
"Well, I was not. And I am very angry again at the inclusion of my life and my son's death."
"She has also been on podcasts where she lies: 1. she claims she is very close to her siblings—I have not spoken to her in years and plan to never again 2. she was asked if there has been 'blowback' about what she included where she claims that all the 'main characters' read many drafts of the book and were happy for her to tell her story."
"Well, maybe I am not a main character, but I did not read a draft and did not give permission or consent for what was included."
"Directly following this question from the podcast host, the host then says I felt so bad for your sister with her stillbirth, and then my sister just makes up a statistic that late-term stillbirth happens to 1/100 women."
"Stillbirth which is after 20 weeks is a chance of 1/160. Like just for the record, what happened with my son at that late stage of gestation is a chance of 3 in 10,000 births."
"I feel strongly that if you are going to act like an expert on a subject, you should not make up data like that, and I feel like hearing something like that is wildly invalidating for women who have lost their children via stillbirth or any other traumatic incident."
"She also lies about stuff in the book—not lies that have any real impact on the world but things that are not accurate. She says she held my son in the hospital and, while I was very out of it emotionally, I am certain to the point where I would die on the hill that she never held my son."
"She says she held him while he was 'still warm,' which also seems impossible since no one held him directly out of my uterus, and he was dead and logically could not be warm."
"I know these things only matter to me and don't matter to the general point of her book's narrative. But, when the only way you get to be a mom to your son is through those very few memories you have, it feels like a really big deal for someone to do this."
"OK, so what do I do?"
"My personal sense of morality is literally screaming for consequences. The first time this happened with the magazine article, I spoke to a lawyer and considered legal action."
"I did not take that route because it is quite expensive, and there is not a possibility of putting the worms back in the can, so to speak. This information is out there and I cannot do anything about it."
"I originally determined not to take legal action because I took my sister at her word that she would not do this again."
"Am I an a**hole that I want there to be a consequence?"
"Would I be the a**hole if I tried to take legal action? Is there a perspective where I am the a**hole for being angry about this? Do people think what she did is not such a big deal?"
"My family is kind of split on this, and my parents are very complicit in her behavior and actions and have been very supportive of her and the book. I also feel bad that this has destroyed our once very close family, and my parents are getting older."
"OK, there are so many details, but that is the basic outline of events from my perspective."
"My underlying offense is that information was published about my private trauma without my consent by an author who is writing about the female experience and the need for consent."
"I just cannot stand the irony of this situation and the enabling of someone who I think has done me serious emotional harm."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the voting acronyms from AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Overall, decided the OP had not done anything wrong, while they took exception to her sister's actions (NTA).
"What your sister did—twice—was a complete invasion of privacy and a violation of trust. She used your trauma to build her narrative without consent, and now she's monetizing it."
"You've clearly communicated boundaries, and she blew past them again. A half-hearted 'we're sorry for your pain' isn't accountability."
"You're entitled to want consequences. You're not being dramatic or vindictive—you're protecting your peace and honoring your son's memory." ~ Savannahgill11
"NTA. Honestly just go public and have her cancelled. 'She's not close with me. Her blatant lies about my happiness to be included in her book are unsurprising as she gaslit me when she included me in an article prior'."
"'The only reason I had hoped to give her the benefit of the doubt previously is she feigned ignorance about my discomfort. That's right, we've had this conversation before, and instead of an apology, I received flowers with a note: "We're sorry for your pain"'."
"'At this point, I consider the act to be intentionally malicious. The audacity and egocentrism that one would have to suffer from to want to profit from their sister's trauma after knowing their suffering'."
"'I've been considering legal action, and while I'm prepared to, if required, I will settle for others knowing the truth. That way they can decide if they want to support this person and their morals'."
"Talk to a lawyer obviously first... but I doubt she would try to do anything... she would look worse." ~ ApricotBig6402
"NTA. It's very personal stuff that you already talked about it once... To me, it seems like she thinks she got away with her first publication and took it to the next level..."
"I would not waste another minute to take legal action... I'm sorry... family or not, I don't think it's fair to exploit someone else's experience for personal gains."
"I would make everything possible to turn this into a petty revenge reddit story where she ends up having her books taken off the market because that's what she actually deserves." ~ Rimma_Jenkins
"It is and was NOT her story to tell. PERIOD. I'm so sorry you went through this... And I'm so sorry she's exploiting your pain for financial gain."
"I would pursue legal action. I hope you do. I think she needs to learn a lesson or two about staying in her own lane." ~ Negative-Pilot3034
"I would contact her publisher and tell them the things she wrote about you and tell them that 1) your sister did not have permission from you to write about you and your son and 2) that some of what she said is lies."
"Then tell the publisher that you will be hiring a lawyer to deal with it. Then, follow through with the lawyer. NTA." ~ theworldisonfire8377
The OP provided an update on their situation.
"The book is called The Motherload. Thanks to all of your comments, I no longer feel bad about the potential impacts to her."
"Her Instagram and the article that I mentioned have been linked in the comments as well by some other posters. There is also quite a lot about her and her husband here on Reddit.
"I am considering my options, but I will likely use a lot of the ideas you all mentioned in your thoughtful comments."
"Thank you for the bizarre feeling of community, solidarity, and support through the kindness and thoughtfulness of online strangers."
The OP's experience was theirs to share. The fact their sister did it twice without her consent might not be something this relationship ever recovers from.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp