Any parent will admit that, while it’s an incredibly exciting time, the first pregnancy is always going to be a scary experience.
There are far too many unknown variables and first-time experiences for it not to be, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Potential_Ratio2775 was excited for her first baby to come in the next few months and to enjoy the experience alongside her husband.
But when he was actively considering going to his best friend’s wedding, which might overlap with their child’s birth, the Original Poster (OP) was suddenly afraid of what was to come.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for making my husband miss his best friend’s wedding?”
The OP was expecting her first child to be born in a few months.
“I (37 Female) and my husband (32 Male) expect our first child in the next few months.”
“It has taken us a long time to get here, as I struggled with infertility issues, so while the pregnancy was wanted, it was a surprise when it occurred.”
“My due date falls a week before my husband’s best friend’s wedding, two hours away from where we live. The wedding is five days after my due date. My husband is the Best Man.”
The couple disagreed over what the father-to-be should do about the wedding.
“When I mentioned to my husband he likely couldn’t attend, he didn’t seem to understand.”
“I told him how it was still too far out to know, but there was a real possibility I would be waiting for labor to begin, in active labor, or just getting home at this time.”
“I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him being that far away in any of those situations, but he seemed to take it as a joke.”
“He has made comments about getting a ‘private jet’ back if I go into labor that day or just sending his mom over to help me if I am a few days postpartum.”
The OP was nervous about the jokes her husband was making.
“I understand this is an important event to him, but with the unknown, I am not comfortable confirming he can go at this point and I am looking for reassurance that he understands that.”
“I understand I could likely go into labor early.”
“Given a long enough window, I would feel more comfortable with him leaving me for a period of time (eight-ish hours, returning back and not staying over), but that’s the only situation I see that is possible for him to attend.”
“I am not trying to say he can’t go 100%, but I am asking him to understand there are very real situations that mean he may not be able to go whether the baby is here or not.”
“Pregnancy complications would void the idea he could go if the baby is here.”
“The doctor saying, ‘the baby is coming any day,’ or ‘you are high risk’ would void him from being able to go if the baby isn’t here.”
“No signs of labor on that day, or early delivery where I would be home and settled for a week-ish with other support completely okay!”
The OP needed more reassurance from her husband.
“It just seems like I am being forced to shoulder the burden and the anxiety of a very complicated situation versus having my feeling validated that we may not know what’s going to happen now, but there needs to be a real, yet flexible plan.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some rated the OP as YTA simply because of her over-emphasis on a hypothetical situation.
“YTA. Stop holding all these ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ over the guy’s head. It would be one of the last times he’s able to enjoy himself before giving his whole life to the kid.” – Erick0116
“YTA. He can just let his friend know that if you go into labor, etc., that he can’t fulfill that role. It’s only two hours away so he could definitely get back in time enough for him to be there for the delivery.”
“Even if you already delivered and are back home, it’s one day (like eight hours) that you can have someone else there with you.”
“It’s not a random wedding, but his best friend’s wedding. There are so many options that this can be worked out with all bases being covered.” – Successful_Ad4618
“YTA.”
“If you’ve had the baby and are home already, what’s the big deal if he’s gone for a day or two? You don’t have any family who can be there for a little bit? Not like this dude is going to a race for two days; it’s his best friend’s wedding and he’s the best man.”
“You do realize there are times when fathers are overseas or have a job they have to work? This isn’t some unprecedented situation.” – FarAd6557
“No, this is weird of you. Most births have a duration of a minimal 12 hours (from the start of first contractions to the actual birth), but most are way longer (24 hours is not uncommon). So he can just go, and if you feel contractions, first call your midwife and make sure it’s not just Braxton hicks contractions.”
“You are not going to make him stay home for the slightest possibility (you can give birth for five weeks in total, most first-time babies are late (after 40 weeks). So yeah, YTA.” – -Niobe
“YTA, marriage isn’t a prison with you as the warden, but you sure make it sound that way!”
“You’ll be fine; single moms figure it out and you will too. Have friends and family on notice that you may need them that day if the baby comes early. Unless you are actually in labor that day, of course, he should go.”
“If you’ve already given birth, what can he do that you can’t for a few hours? You’re being absurd. Women have babies all the time, get over yourself.” – Glittering_Apple_807
But others reassured the OP that she wasn’t wrong to be nervous and in need of support.
“Committing to be a best man in a wedding when your wife is within days of her due date is dumb at best, and shows a total lack of empathy at worst.”
“And for everyone saying that there will be time for him to get home if OP goes into labor, that’s likely true. But then the husband is forced to bail on the wedding at a moment’s notice, leaving his friend without a best man.”
“If the husband had any sense, he should tell his friend, ‘I would be honored to be your best man, but I can’t commit because of the potential timing of the birth of our child. I would love to come to the wedding and celebrate nonetheless, knowing that there is a chance that I may have to bail on rather short notice.'”
“NTA.” – jopa1967
“His best friend’s wedding is so important to him… Unlike the birth of his first child which he is willing to pawn off on his mom so he doesn’t miss his friend’s wedding. Think about that. NTA.” – icruiselife
“I have never prevented my husband from going anywhere (and vice versa). He did vacations and weekend trips without me, he goes out whenever he wants (I do, too).”
“BUT going somewhere around my due date? It’s a big no. Childbirth is painful, traumatic, and draining.”
“And no, I don’t want some other people instead of him, I want him there. That’s why I’m planning on having kids with him instead of someone else.”
“OP, NTA.” – Constant_Revenue6105
“NTA. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my hubby being so far away at such an important time of our lives. I also know his best friend would be a bit disappointed but would understand.”
“It’s so easy to say he is only a few hours away, but there are so many what ifs that could f**k up him making it home for the birth.” – CrabbiestAsp
“NTA.”
“If he wants to risk missing his child’s birth, that’s on him. Even if the chance is small, it’s not ZERO.”
“Does his best friend know? Will he be able to leave the party if you went into labor?”
“You are worried and he is basically laughing at it. Talk to him again. Explain your worries. If you are scared, be honest.”
“Will you still look at him the same way if he misses the birth?” – GemueseBeerchen
After receiving feedback, the OP continued to sound conflicted in an update.
“I think all the comments here are helping me get to my perspective and I’ve selected poor language in my OP. It’s not really the logistics here for me of if it should be two days before he can go, or two days after. It’s the willingness and emotional support to figure out the best plan.”
“Do I think my needs are higher than his best friend’s? Yes. But I understand after reading these comments that that also may minimize my husband’s needs.”
“This might make me sound like more of the AH, but I am just looking for reassurance that he understands and wants to prioritize me, especially if there are ways I can still see it working.”
“I agree I should not have come at it from a place of ‘no, but that was dictated by fear and trying to control the unknown which is my responsibility.”
As divided as the situation had become, it was clear that the OP was nervous about the birth of her first child and needed her husband’s support, wedding bells in the air or not.
Hopefully the baby’s arrival would time out well enough to where the OP’s husband could be there for his best friend and his wife, but if the two events did end up overlapping, he would have a major decision to make.