There's a saying that "an invitation isn't a summons." Being invited to an event doesn't mean a person has to go.
But is it OK to skip a sibling's wedding when time, distance, or money aren't obstacles?
A woman struggling with that question turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
EnvironmentalBird457 asked:
"AITA if I skip my only sister's cross-country wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (34, female) am seriously considering not going to my only sister's (32, female) cross-country wedding this summer. My husband thinks it's obvious we shouldn't go, but I'm struggling with indecision."
"Growing up, we were close. Then when my sis was 17, her boyfriend died."
"He was with friends near a highway, running to the median, throwing sticks and rocks into the road. He got hit. He died in the hospital a few hours later, late at night."
"My sister found out the next morning. Our mom got a call and had to wake her up to tell her. I mean it's so horrific and awful, I can't even write it to this day and not get upset, and I only met him twice. But he was her first love."
"So I totally understand how devastating this was and I was there for her through all of it. But the punching bag nonetheless. For weeks she was in a trance saying 'why Jay, why my Jay, why couldn't it be anyone else, anyone else'."
"And one night we were sitting on the couch while she kept repeating this and said, 'Why not anyone else, I wish it was anyone else, even you (my name)'. I was stunned. My dad overheard and told her to stop that, you don't mean that, that's enough."
"She said she meant it. I always let that go because she was in such a zombie state of grief. But I don't know if thats normal to say something like that. Even though I think its pretty cruel. Because she shouldn't wish this to happen to anyone, period."
"What followed over the next 10+ years is harder to explain. She would spiral and lash out, at me, at our mom, at friends. She lost a lot of friends. Each one she lost, she'd take out her anger on me and my mom."
"Emotional abuse over text that went on for years. If I ever tried to ask questions or talk about him at the wrong time I'd be scolded. Then I'd be accused of not being a safe person to talk to about it because I made her feel awkward."
"I was trapped. Blamed for not engaging and punished when I did."
"I believe her grief became an identity. In our small town, she got enormous community attention and sympathy, and I think that reinforced it."
"Over time, anything hard that anyone else went through got minimized, because it wasn't as bad as what happened to her. For over a decade, no one else's pain was allowed to matter as much. It was a free pass for whatever she wanted."
"She was also the second child, and I know she always felt shortchanged by that. This tragedy gave her something that was hers, a central place in the family, a reason to be attended to."
"I think the grief eventually became less about mourning him and more about maintaining that position. A way to get attention. A way to control others. A way to test loyalty. But again, only my thoughts so maybe not."
"It was devastating. For the next 13+ years she pressured me and our mom to reach out every year on his birthday and death anniversary."
"During that time there were constant emotional abuse spirals over text. We were 'punching bags'. When I forgot in 2023.. 13 yrs later.. she guilt-tripped me hard."
"I sent her a long text explaining I couldn't keep feeling obligated to text her on these dates every year, I shared how hard this has been on me all these years. How I felt like I'd lost a sister because grief had taken over her life for so long. For the first time I spoke up."
"She never responded. Which stung hard. We didn't speak for months."
"Then I got engaged. We slowly started talking again. I decided to look past a lot of stuff and more issues that arose that year. A year later I dug deep and asked her to be my maid of honor. I thought maybe things could change. She was honored and said yes."
"What did she actually do as my MOH? Well, no card. No gift. Never offered a speech. Bailed on getting ready with me, no word. Weird vibes and friction during all my festivities."
"And after pressing my mom about her actions, she told me flying out to my wedding was 'a burden' for my sister. She has her own biz and makes 6 figures."
"Now she's getting married in June and she hasn't asked me to be in her wedding party. Chose a friend as maid of honor. She's excluded me from all general wedding updates/planning."
"Hasn't texted the past 5 months. I did get a couple of thank yous this fall when I sent her a thank-you card with pictures."
"Last year we got into an argument. She was ripping into me about how bad it was I hadn't sent my formal save the dates yet, even though she'd had the date for weeks."
"I brought up the text she never responded to... that's why I waited a few weeks to tell her I was engaged. My fault again."
"She claimed she HAD written a response, but her therapist told her not to send it because 'I wouldn't receive it well'. So even her silence was my fault."
"Then she said, 'You don't get it, just like a cancer patient, they're the one affected. No one else'. Basically saying her suffering will always matter more than mine."
"I just let the conversation end. What's the point?"
"I've spent over 15 years walking on eggshells around her. I'm exhausted. I'm terrified of having the bad sister label forever and dealing with family fallout for the rest of my life."
"I feel like if I don't go that will hang over me forever. If I go, it's self-betrayal. I'm deeply disappointed and resentful."
"Have kept my distance for past 5 months. And still weirdly hopeful she'll change."
"My husband says this is exactly how toxic family dynamics work. You keep trying and they keep the power."
"She did fly out to my wedding even if she complained about it. And she's my only sister—maybe I should just suck it up and go."
"We barely talk as it is but skipping her wedding feels so final. The idea of it being officially over terrifies me. I keep hoping she'll change which is probably naive."
"AITA if I don't?"
The OP later added:
"I do have the time and money to go."
"My dad isn't invited. It's conditional on him apologizing for an argument they had at my wedding celebration (that my sister antagonized—he said eff you to her following that), and he's refused."
"Her fiancé has also ignored my dad at family events because he won't apologize."
"His two sisters (my aunts) aren't invited either. One of them lived next door to us growing up. The other one took my sister in for a few months during her mental health crisis in 2017. They've always been there for her."
"So some people I'd most want to see won't be in the room. I'd be attending a wedding where my dad's entire side of the family has been erased, and has been central for our family my entire life, while sitting next to my mom, who's enabled this whole dynamic for years."
"So it runs deep."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"The action I feel I'll be judged for is skipping my only sister's wedding. I might be the a**hole because she's my only sibling, she did show up to my wedding events (even if it was 'a burden'), and not going could permanently damage our relationship and cause major family drama."
"Part of me feels like I should just suck it up and go to keep the peace, and that skipping it makes me petty and unforgiving."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA whatever you decide, but I'd go just to deny her ammunition to feed her victim narrative."
"And I'm petty. I'd make sure everyone knew your father and his family were excluded because your sister made an a** of herself at your wedding and is demanding your father apologize for not enabling her like your spineless mother."
"Make a fun trip of it with your husband and ignore her and your mother. Let them wallow together." ~ MohawMais
"NTA- I am going with NTA because I do understand how you are feeling."
"Sadly I have a half sister and brother that I haven't spoken to in nearly 10 years because I got tired of only being invited to events that involve money. She never invited me to her wedding, never called to just talk or have a coffee together."
"So I do understand, but with that said you acknowledge that she still went to your wedding regardless of her not wanting too, so I think..."
"I feel it would be more wise to go to her wedding, to be there for the event, and when it comes to the reception just talk with your husband and other family members, and if she approaches you to talk great if not no big worry at least you made the same effort she did and it is one less thing that she or other members of your family can hold against you but instead you can hold against them if need be." ~ PicardNCC1701D
"NTA. But in saying that I would go and then the ball is in her court so to speak and if the wedding is the final time you see her, so be it."
"Good luck with your decision, these family dynamics are sh*tty." ~ kirstbro
"Skipping her wedding feels final because it probably would be. Personally I would go to the wedding but keep interactions to a minimum. View your relationship with her like that of a cousin that you grew up with but now only see at weddings and funerals."
"Keep to shallow pleasantries, offer congratulations, make small talk with other friends and family there. Smile, wave, and go back to your life."
"Stop texting your sister beyond generic Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas messages. Don't keep trying to maintain a relationship. Drop the rope, but don't burn it. It will still be laying there if she ever wants to pick it up and help carry the sisterly relationship, otherwise you just live your best life and wish her the same." ~ Obtuse-Angel
The OP has a lot of things to consider.
Whether they attend or not is only one of them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp