Death and birth.
Two points of life that are intertwined.
People can’t escape either.
But does one matter more?
There in lies the rub….
Redditor DJFaceplant20 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA For Choosing to Go to My Grandfather’s Funeral over my unborn daughter’s 20-week ultrasound?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife (F[emale] 25) and I (M[ale] 26) are expecting a baby girl due in November.”
“We are both so excited for it!”
“I’ve been talking to her through my wife’s belly, feeling excited, feeling kicks, all of the fun stuff.”
“3 weeks ago, we scheduled the 20-week ultrasound (it’ll be closer to 22 weeks).”
“The last week and a half, my grandfather’s health had been slowly diminishing.”
“I had a talk with my father and family and was told that sometime within a week of his passing, we would have the funeral.”
“This made my wife and I have to talk about the plan.”
“I was asked to be a pallbearer at the funeral. “
“She said she’d want to stay home with the dogs so we didn’t have to board them and that I could go by myself to the 4-4.5 hour trip up north to my father’s hometown.”
“Unfortunately, my grandfather passed away late last night/early this morning.”
“I called my father to make sure he was okay, which he was holding on as much as one would when your father passes away.”
“But I was told the funeral would be held at 10 am on Wednesday… this just so happens to be the exact same day that my wife has the ultrasound.”
“My wife is now upset that I plan to go to my grandfather’s funeral instead of going to the ultrasound appointment.”
“I said, ‘Well, we could FaceTime? But it’s my grandfather,’ I know FaceTime isn’t the same.”
“But she said, ‘Yeah, but this is your daughter.'”
“Now she is mad and upset at me.”
“I’m emotionally torn from this because I’m so excited for my baby girl, but also really sad about my grandfather.”
“I just… I want to know if I’m the a**hole here.”
“My wife’s feelings are always going to be valid, but I feel like mine aren’t being considered in this situation.”
“I don’t know.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. The appointment could be rescheduled, but the funeral cannot be.”
“I’ve delivered 5 children.”
“I was glad when my husband could be at my appointments, but often he couldn’t be.”
“It’s not the end of the world.” ~ EconomyVoice7358
“I don’t understand why the answer isn’t automatically to reschedule the appointment?”
“There’s a family member’s funeral, why isn’t the wife’s automatic reaction to immediately call the doctor’s office and request it to be moved (after she’s comforted her husband, of course)?”
I get that OP’s wife probably has a lot going on in terms of hormones, but getting upset at OP for going to his grandfather’s funeral instead of this checkup seems really heartless to me.” ~ haleorshine
“NTA. I work in a doctor’s office, and I’m here to say we absolutely WOULD work with someone who had a family emergency or death to reschedule.”
“OP’s wife is being ridiculous and entitled, bordering on a ‘pick me’ mentality.”
“This is not a competition.”
“This is a FAMILY FUNERAL. Pffft.” ~ ohemgee0309
“NTA. She could probably reschedule the ultrasound for another date, if she wanted, especially considering the circumstances.” ~ Euphoric_Peanut1492
“This here 👆.”
“If the tables were turned and she had a grandparent or an immediate family member pass away, would she reschedule the appointment or skip out on the funeral?”
“She’s allowed to feel a little disappointed, but in my opinion, it’s not something to stay upset about because someone literally died.”
“Mood regulation can be a challenge for some people during pregnancy, I’ll give her that, but funerals and grieving a loved one (especially one that you had a good relationship with) is a unique process that calls for empathy and tact.”
“You don’t have to completely understand it if you’ve never lost a loved one, but being supportive and flexible for your spouse, who’s in mourning, can ease the burden and make the situation a little less difficult.
“OP doesn’t need to justify it with his wife either, having to explain that he’s excited to be a dad and meet the kid.”
“It’s a given, but it’s an entirely separate situation from the loss of his grandfather – it just happens to coincide with an appointment that can be rescheduled if they explain it to their doctor’s office. NTA.” ~ HeyGoogleImSad
“I had a high-risk pregnancy with weekly sonogram appointments, and I never had any issues with scheduling or rescheduling as long as I gave 24 hours’ notice.”
“Although from my understanding, typical healthy pregnancies do not have that more than a handful of sonograms so I can see that it would be a big deal to OP and his wife if they are absolutely unable to reschedule it for whatever reason, but she could take someone she trusts with her and they could record or FaceTime OP.”
“OP is NTA, but his wife may be a bit emotional about seeing their baby without him.”
“Hopefully, there’s someone close to her who can gently explain that missing the funeral of a grandparent is not an option over a sonogram.” ~ GingerLover131
“NTA. A 20-week ultrasound is important, but can be rescheduled – worst case, go to a private gyno and pay for it so you can reschedule.”
“It’s not just your grandfather, it’s your father who needs you.”
“She should understand that.” ~ saddiebabbie
“You’re right, and on top of the things you already mentioned, changing an ultrasound only needs to revolve around the two people.”
“The funeral date can’t possibly accommodate all the schedules of a larger group of people.”
“People dying isn’t done according to a timeline in someone else’s calendar.”
“I understand that she wants her husband there, but she needs to be flexible and think of him and his family.”
“This funeral will only happen once.”
“Hopefully, she can see if that way instead of this insecure reaction that she’s having.”
“All of this could have been approached by making a call to the clinic instead of seeing it like he’s choosing who’s the most important person to him.”
“OP is NTA.” ~ Jessiphat
“NTA and I’m literally currently pregnant.”
“It’s not that big of a deal, it’s a long, boring appointment.”
“She can also very easily call to reschedule her case.”
“She’s being unnecessarily emotional when she should be more supportive.” ~ mediabratt
“You are not an a**hole.”
“You absolutely need to go to your grandfather’s funeral.”
“I would be mad at her for thinking you should skip the funeral for the ultrasound.”
“If she wants you at the ultrasound so bad, reschedule the ultrasound.” ~ Open_Ad8222
“Your wife is being super unreasonable.”
“Reschedule the ultrasound.”
“Shame on her for trying to make you feel guilty about this. NTA.” ~ alicat777777
“You should be able to reschedule the ultrasound.”
“It isn’t like they HAVE to be done exactly on X day.”
“Just get it rescheduled. NTA.” ~ K_A_irony
“NTA. Your grandfather died.”
“There have been and will be other ultrasounds.”
“Leave her with her hormones and do what you need to do.”
“She may be upset, but she has to deal with it.” ~ lmchatterbox
“NAH. You aren’t wrong for wanting to go to the funeral, but she also isn’t wrong for wanting you at the appointment.”
“The 20-week scan is pretty cool, sort of a tour guide of your unborn child, and a lot of women have a lot of anxiety about that scan, so I can see why she might want support too.”
“It seems like the obvious solution is to just reschedule the appointment?”
“I understand that might be disappointing to her for if she has to wait a little longer, but it’s pretty disappointing for you that your grandfather just died.”
“It just seems like a false choice to say you have to pick one ‘over’ the other, when you should be able to have both.”
“My 20-week scan was technically at 21 weeks, so she should have a bit of wiggle room on the date.”
“It doesn’t hurt to ask.” ~ peony_chalk
“So here’s the real problem, you are currently Schrodinger’s a**hole.”
“If the 20-week ultrasound is totally fine, then you should be at your grandfather’s funeral.”
“However if it’s not fine and your wife’s OB does the follow up for the appointment right then and something is wrong then yeah you are absolutely the asshole for not being there to find out with your wife if there’s a problem.”
“I’m gonna say NTA, but she should really try and reschedule.”
“At minimum, even if the ultrasound itself can’t be rescheduled, the follow-up should be even if they normally do them right after.” ~ nkdeck07
“NTA. Appointments can be rescheduled much more easily than a funeral.”
“I would never miss my husband’s grandparents’ funeral myself.”
“And missing ultrasounds aren’t the same as missing things once the child is born.”
“Our children are our shared responsibility, but my pregnancies were my medical business.” ~ polar810
“There is absolutely no reason that the appointment can’t be rescheduled.”
“Yes, it’s called the 20-week ultrasound, but the window of time is 18-22 weeks per the Cleveland Clinic.”
“Yes, it’s disappointing not to do the ultrasound at the time she scheduled, but for God’s sake, this is your family and your last chance to say goodbye.”
“This is necessary grieving with your family, and it’s not fair to take that away for something that can still take place for the next two weeks.”
“NTA, give your wife time to calm down (pregnancy hormones are such a pain) and talk to her again.” ~ bentscissors
Reddit is on your side, OP.
Your grandfather died.
A sonogram can be rescheduled.
Your wife needs a little more understanding.
Hopefully, she’ll come around.