Divorce is always a hard thing for children to process, no matter their age.
Particularly when infidelity is involved.
As infidelity might also make it harder for the parents to maintain a respectful relationship post-divorce.
Making the possibility of leading by example very difficult indeed.
A recent Redditor’s marriage ended in divorce, almost completely owing to her ex-husband’s infidelity.
Understandably, the original poster (OP)’s teenage son had a difficulty accepting his parents’ divorce.
Unfortunately, he let his unhappiness be well known to both his father and his father’s new partner.
With little to no discouragement from the OP.
Having some doubts about how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not stopping my son from making rude comments about his dad’s husband?”
The OP explained why her ex-husband found her semi-responsible for his strained relationship with their teenage son:
“I (42 F[emale]) share custody of my 16-year-old son, ‘Zach’, with my ex-husband, ‘Mark (45 M[ale]).”
“We divorced when Zach was 11, mostly because we had grown apart and Mark came out as gay and cheated on me.”
“It was a shock at the time, but I’ve made my peace with it.”
“He’s now remarried to his husband, ‘Daniel’ (39 M), who is the person he cheated on me with.”
“The thing is, Zach doesn’t like Daniel.”
“At all.”
“I think he sees him as the reason our family fell apart.”
“Over the past year, he’s started making sarcastic little comments about Daniel when he comes back from weekends at Mark’s.”
“Sometimes it’s kind of funny.”
“Sometimes I laugh, or I don’t say anything.”
“A few times, I’ve just rolled my eyes and changed the subject.”
“I didn’t think it was worth making a big deal over—it’s just venting, right?”
“But last weekend, Mark texted me upset.”
“Apparently, Zach made some joke to Daniel’s face, and Mark lost it.”
“The joke was ‘The only thing you’ve ever committed to is lying consistently’.”
“He said it was cruel and homophobic and that he’s tired of Zach ‘being allowed’ to treat Daniel like he’s a joke.”
“He asked me point blank if I’d been encouraging it, and I said no—but I did admit I hadn’t really shut it down, either.”
“Now Mark is furious.”
“He says I’ve been passively feeding into the problem by letting Zach be disrespectful without consequences and that if I don’t start taking it seriously, he might start reducing visits until Zach learns how to behave.”
“That feels extreme to me.”
“Look—I’m not trying to be petty.”
“I get that Daniel is his partner, and he wants respect.”
“But I’m also trying to pick my battles with a teenager who’s already moody and bitter about how things turned out.”
“I’ve tried talking to Zach in the past about being civil, but it usually ends in a fight or him shutting down.”
“Now I’m wondering if I really have been enabling something harmful or if Mark is just being too sensitive about the whole thing.”
“AITA for not shutting Zach down harder when he makes fun of his dad’s husband?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not discouraging their son from telling jokes.
Many agreed that the OP’s son did not say anything homophobic, which would be an entirely different story, and that the OP’s ex threatening to put an end to their visits made it clear that he, not the OP, was the one who needed to up his parenting game:
“This requires a modicum of common sense.”
“Teenagers by and large are moody creatures and prone to these kind of behaviors, you have to temper these as best you can which naturally isn’t easy.”
“That said, any jokes that he’s making that are homophobic, you absolutely need to be shutting down immediately.”
“It’s not acceptable, and you don’t want him to make a habit of thinking it’s fine to do that.”
“He’s angry at his dad more than his partner, I suspect, so maybe it’s about time they had a real chat about everything that happened and either agree to make their peace with it or go their separate ways.”
“I’ll say NTA.”- Jainer99
“NTA.”
“Also, just to make absolutely clear I’m understanding this correctly – your ex-husband is threatening to not see his own son to punish the child for said child’s (factually correct!) calling out of his father’s cheating?”
“I vote you let the f*cker ‘not see’ your son.”
“The man clearly cannot make a valid claim to being a parent if his reaction to his kid ‘being difficult’ or ‘moody’ is to say ‘well i just won’t see you anymore’.”
“That is not how parenthood works.”
“Not good parenthood anyway.”- TazzmFyrflaym
“Why is Mark leaving all the parenting to you?”
“Realizing he’s gay didn’t change the fact that he’s still Zach’s dad, y’know.”
“He really has no reason/right to blame you for ‘failing to parent Zach appropriately’ so that his son ‘corrects’ the disrespect and/or resentment he feels towards his father (and thereby Daniel), as a result of Mark’s own behavior.”
“Mark’s frustration is displaced if he thinks YOUR PARENTING is the reason for his son’s rudeness towards Daniel.”
“Yes, you shouldn’t egg on/add to/promote your son’s rudeness towards Daniel, but as long as it’s not homophobic, Mark seems to be the one in the best position to most effectively influence his son’s feelings in this matter.”
“He needs to focus on having an honest conversation with his SON, rather than trying to guilt YOU into correcting Zach’s behavior.”
“NTA.”- Original_Poseur
“NTA.”
“Firstly, a comment about lying is NOT homophobic.”
“That’s some gay card-pulling garbage.”
“However- instead of ignoring your son’s comments or laughing, say, ‘You know, I know this situation isn’t ideal and can be uncomfortable, but I don’t support you being disrespectful’.”
“‘We are all humans who make mistakes’.”
“‘I’m over the divorce, and frankly I’m glad your dad has a stable partner’.”
“‘Not many divorced people have someone in their life that accepts their kids, and it seems like your dad’s husband is at least trying, so give him a break’.”
“‘He’s not going anywhere and being rude isn’t making anything easier for you’.”
“‘Besides, if you want to be angry with someone- it’s your Dad that chose this path.'”
“Talk to him about your feelings’.”
“‘It’s ok to tell him you’re still hurting’.”- age_of_No_fuxleft
“NTA.”
“Maybe ask the father to explain what homophobic jokes he’s making and explain that your son is very angry about the cheating.”
“Be open to hearing if your son has been homophobic, but it sounds like he just isn’t a fan of lying and cheating, which isn’t a terrible personal value to have.”- Acceptable_Bunch_586
“NTA.”
“I would text him ‘It’s alright’.”
“‘I can take full custody of my son’.”
“‘That would be lovely’.”- professionaldrama-
“…your ex cheated on you with this guy.”
“What the hell does he expect your son to do?”
“Like seriously, realizing that he’s guy and divorcing you, whatever, but cheating on someone is never okay.”
“NTA.”- KingDarius89
“Threatening to reduce his visits with his own son because he had to be a parent for like five seconds and deal with a family conflict?”
“F*ck this guy.”
“NTA.”- icecreampenis
Some felt, however, that the OP’s ex wasn’t wrong in being hurt that she didn’t make more of an effort to stop these jokes, but agreed that it shouldn’t have to fall on the OP entirely to help her son adjust to his new arrangement:
“NAH.”
“You’re not the devil here, but I do think u been a little too chill about it.”
“Like yeah, Zach’s hurt n pissed, fair, but at some point, he needs to learn that pain doesn’t give u a free pass to be cruel.”
“Especially to someone’s face.”
“If u don’t step in now, it’s gonna get messier and harder to fix later.”
“This isn’t just venting anymore. It’s turning into bitterness he’s carrying around.”- Softcloudd
While some had trouble sympathizing with either the OP, her son, or her ex-husband, feeling that everyone could have handled everything about this situation better:
“ESH.”
“Mark is an AH for cheating but not in the wrong now.”
“You and your ex are AHs for not addressing what seems to be YEARS of resentment from your son.”
“He was a child, so he expressed his feelings about the end of your marriage with these snarky comments, which you just ignored, failure on your part.”
“Was there any family counseling at the time of the divorce?”
“This has been allowed to fester, and now your son is being a real AH to Daniel because it seems like no one gave him the tools to work through this in a healthy way.”- Laines_Ecossaises
Forgiveness is not always easy, nor is it ever guaranteed.
Seeing as his parents’ divorce was not easy to process and was made more complicated by his father’s new spouse, it will certainly take time for the OP’s son to forgive his father.
However, the OP’s son needs to learn that his life will be much happier if he makes an effort to forgive his father.
Something the OP, being his mother, should teach him…