The health and safety of the people we care about should always be a top priority.
Unfortunately, there are sometimes other considerations to be made.
So what happens when you and your partner are divided on how to care for an injured loved one?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) ConflictedCitizen3 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
She asked:
"AITA for insisting that my husband drive my mother-in-law (MIL) to the hospital instead of calling an ambulance?"
She began with the a quick background.
"My MIL(Mother In Law) was at our house a couple of days ago to see some new furniture I bought."
"She fainted and fell off on her back."
Then explained the problem at hand.
"My husband freaked out and went straight to call an ambulance, I told him that he should drive her to the hospital himself since his car was working instead of paying X money for an ambulance."
"He said no and insisted on an ambulance."
"I tried to convince him since the hospital wasn't far but he blew up at me and said that his hands were shaking and couldn't drive her there."
"He yelled at me to move out of the way and called an ambulance. I decided to step back but I was pretty mad."
"He went with her and got back in the evening."
"He started going off on me about how I behaved while his mom was injured, I replied that there was no need to waste money on an ambulance ride especially since MIL was conscious and also since he had his car and could've driven her there himself."
"He lashed out saying that he was in no state to drive and that I was ridiculous to care about how much an ambulance ride cost instead of his mom's health."
"I told him it's my house too and he should get my input on whether to call an ambulance or not."
"Besides that we have a policy to only call an ambulance for the people who live in the house not visitors."
"He said I was mistaken for getting in his face and insisting there was no need for an ambulance."
Later,
"He's been sulking claiming I don't care about his mom's wellbeing and only care about money and refusing to let it go."
OP was left to wonder.
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for a ruling.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
There were personal stories.
"My dad was in the hospital for a stroke last year (transferred from home to a big one in my city)."
"Mom was staying with me. We got woken up at 2:30 am by a call from the hospital that his heart had stopped, they were trying CPR, but we should get there asap."
"After her initial panic/crying had passed and I was shuffling her into my car, her FIRST QUESTION was 'are you okay to drive?'."
"We wanted/needed to get there ASAP and she was still in the middle of freaking out, but still had the consideration and care to ask if I was safe to drive."
"If I had been super upset we would've called an Uber or something - she never would've pushed to put me in danger like OP's wife did."
"('Luckily' I have diagnosed anxiety issues so once an actual, real emergency happened my brain was like 'FINALLY! MY TIME TO SHINE!' and after the initial heart-drop moment I was super calm and clear-headed)"
"So f*cking selfish of OP's wife and OP is right that she cares more about the money than the safety/well-being of the people involved." ~ anndor
And,
"I was at work and a colleague came to my office for help."
"He felt weird, was experiencing aphasia, and had difficulty explaining what was going wrong."
"I called 911 and we walked to the front of the building to meet the paramedics."
"[My building is access controlled and while the paramedics would be allowed inside, that would be a long and confusing path vs us walking outside.]"
After the paramedics did initial review of him, the ambulance arrived. One paramedic pulled me aside and suggested I drive him to the hospital myself due to the cost. The hospital was about 1.5 miles away. I asked my colleague, but he chose the ambulance, and I was relieved.
Yes, I'm in the US with US healthcare costs.~ FatalExceptionError
Also,
"My grandfather drove himself to the ER during a heart attack."
"I'm still not sure who was the most horrified, the valet at the ER as my grandfather calmly stated he was having a heart attack and would love his services, the ER staff, or my whole damn family."
"(Dude could afford an ambulance ride, if he absolutely wanted to go by car FAMILY WAS AVAILABLE!)"
"His next heart attack my Dad drove him to the ER as he refused an ambulance, and was convinced it was the end, telling my dad all his last wishes and love on the way."
"I'm so, so, so glad he survived and don't know how my dad held it together to get him there safely."
"After that ambulances were used for everything, thank fucking god."
"I get not being able to afford one (been there and Lyft'd and had family take me, also got an ambulance bill when I tried to walk myself and instead passed out in front of my dorm instead because I actually needed that ambulance)."
"I genuinely get wanting to save money and how f*cked our healthcare is."
"If we're alive to complain about the bills, that beats f*cking dead."
"Alive in better condition than effed something up in the neck/spine after a bad fall and trying to move them?"
"Alive and in better condition to complain about and do something about the bills."
"Life is too precious to just precariously toss someone's health, safety, or potentially life aside over money" ~ art_addict
Others pointed out the need for professionals in medical situations.
"Honestly, if it was a spinal injury (my mom got one from a simple fall in her 30's) NO ONE should be driving her except a trained professional."
"All my mom did was trip over a dog."
"She didn't lose consciousness either. If my Dad didn't insist on an ambulance, she might not be able to hold her grandchildren today."
"She was already barely able to hold me (5 months at the time) and unable to hold my sister (3 years) for a few months after her recovery" ~ Bubbly_Raisin_815
Or
"I'm a nurse in a medical office (as opposed to working in the hospital) and when we get phone calls from patients or family members who have said the patient fell, I always recommend being evaluated in the ER."
"People can hit their heads, can hit something just right to cause a fracture or internal bleed...any number of issues can come from a 'simple' fall."
"Any time there is a change in level of consciousness, the patient absolutely needs a further assessment. It may be nothing, but what if it's not?" ~ OBNurseScarlett
Responders were angry at OP's stance.
"YTA in so many ways."
"Nurse here."
"I don't know if you are so damn ignorant or nieve but holy moly."
"FYI you can be conscious and still be severely injured. Wtf kind of excuse is that?"
"You don't know if she hurt her neck or spinal cord, moving her could cause paralysis. You nor your husband are medically trained to move her, or able to assess her properly like paramedics can."
"She could have hit her head too therefore in danger of neurological damage 'We don't care an ambulance unless it's one of us living here not visitors'."
"ITS YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW! YOUR HUSBAND'S MOM! But regardless if it was a stranger, call 911."
"And in no way was your husband in the right frame of mind to drive."
"God, YTA on so many levels and your level of audacity scares me. Please apologize to your husband and MIL. You acted so wrongly in so many ways." ~ pandabearlover03
Or,
"YTA. A double one actually."
"When you have a medical degree and the necessary equipment, you can make a call about back and head injuries and how to transport a person to hospital. Until then, call an ambulance."
"You don't have to pay anyway. It falls back to the patient. And if it were your loved one you wouldn't give a crap about the cost." ~ Gr0uchPotato
There were also suspicions of ulterior motivations.
" 'We have a policy...' What? You have so many emergencies you had to make a policy?"
"The sick person pays, not the homeowner, don't they?"
"This reads funny. Since 'he had his car' and 'his car was working' - what else would the car be doing besides being there, and working?"
"Why didn't you take her?"
"Why did you care so much about the ambulance?"
"Idk, feels like more going on here." ~Unit-Healthy
Some were just surprised at OP's heartlessness.
" 'I told him it's my house too and he should get my input on whether to call an ambulance or not. besides that we have a policy to only call ambulance for the people who live in the house not visitors' "
"This is one of the dumbest things I've read on Reddit…and that's saying a lot! "
"You actually have a policy to only call an ambulance for the people who live in your house, visitors be damned?"
"Could you be any more of an a**hole???"
"Who actually plans for emergencies ahead of time in regards to who you will call an ambulance for?"
"Sorry you fell and broke your hip grandma. Walk it off and rub some dirt on it then get in the car cuz you don't live here!"
"yes, YTA a HUGE one!" ~ Embarrassed_Hat_2904
The priority in any relationship must always be the health and safety of the other people involved.
Remember to be kind and compassionate to those around you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp