Weddings are kind of notorious for not starting on time. In most cases, people are waiting for the bride or groom to either arrive or be ready.
But should a wedding be delayed for a guest? Does it matter who that guest is?
A recently wed woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a family members tardiness led to conflict.
HunterQueen23 asked:
“AITA for starting my wedding ceremony before my mom showed up?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“The day of the wedding started out as they normally do, I (bride) was inside getting ready and final touches were being made outside. After I was almost ready by noon, my mom had to run back to the hotel 20 minutes away to change and come back with my grandma and family friend.”
“Mother, grandma and family friend are from another province. They were staying in a hotel mom arranged, not me. There were places closer to the wedding venues.”
“The invitation says ceremony at 2, as per usual we were a little late starting, but nothing crazy. Next thing I know, I’m walking myself down the aisle with no mom, grandma, or family friend in sight.”
“The ceremony continues and it’s over before we know it.”
“Still nothing, then after 45 minutes finally they pull up. Then I proceed to go and tell them it’s over and that they missed it and that 2pm meant 2pm.”
“My mother immediately became hostile and proceeded to blame the bakery for not having buns ready—buns were not needed until 5 and they were at a bakery 15 mins away—then said they were stopped by a train, and my personal favourite was ‘It’s your fault you didn’t call or text to see where we are’.”
“EXCUSE ME!! Again the invitation said 2pm.”
“Also note the officiant also had another wedding to get to after mine, so it was a tight schedule.”
“So am I the a**hole for not holding up my ceremony?”
“Side note: I found out the real reason why they were late. Mom wasn’t done getting herself ready, therefore holding up everyone else.”
“But she is mad at me because it’s my fault she missed my wedding.”
“Still haven’t spoken to her since she left to go back home. I stopped caring after my wedding since she just wants to blame everyone else for her lack of planning.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I started my wedding ceremony without my mom being there.”
“She drove 20 hours to be there. I could’ve texted her.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Definitely NTA. If she could receive a text, she could send a text. It’s not up to the bride or groom to keep track of family on their wedding day.”
“That said, it is curious that no one—no other family members, no other member of the wedding party, no wedding planner, etc… made an attempt to find out where the mother of the bride was when she didn’t show up.” ~ sapient-meerkat
“The only people who would text their family asking where they are, are people who have RELIABLE families who wouldn’t be late. That OP didn’t text mom to find out where she was proves that mother has pulled this kind of sh*t before and is the kind of person who operates on a ‘the event starts when I am ready for it to start’ mentality.”
“If I was having a ceremony and my dad wasn’t there within 10 minutes of start time—my dad always says ‘if you’re not 10 minutes early then you’re late’—I would be texting him and by 20 minutes I’d be calling to find out if he were in an accident.” ~ InfinMD2
“NTA. You started your wedding on time. I don’t know what poor planning involved her leaving and coming back, but she didn’t make it and her reaction doesn’t sound like she even really intended to.”
“I do not see why you should have to delay the start of your wedding for ANYONE. Sounds like an important lesson she needed to learn.” ~ owls_and_cardinals
“NTA. OP probably was not capable of delaying it even if she wanted to.”
“Many venues have multiple weddings in a day and have tight schedules.”
“A delay by OP might’ve meant no wedding that day at all.” ~ laxnut90
“This is it exactly. Not sure about the venue as she doesn’t mention it, but she does say that the officiant was on a tight schedule with another wedding after hers. No officiant = no wedding, just a big expensive reception. NTA.” ~ Odd-Phrase5808
“NTA—they had time to stop at a bakery‽‽ They had no intention of being on time, they expected their presence meant more to you than it did, and are mad to see that they aren’t as important in real life as in their own mind.” ~ louisianacat1
“NTA. Over 45 minutes late is blatantly disrespectful. Your mother can pound sand. I bet she’s an entitled bully in other areas as well.” ~ Mapilean
“NTA. This is something mine would have done. My mother ‘forgot’ to come back and get me and my BFF at my house when we were done getting ready.”
“My truck was being used to bring stuff out for MY wedding, so we were late because my mother didn’t come get us like she was supposed to and because my truck was being used so I didn’t even have a way to get us there.”
“We don’t talk anymore.” ~ ginthatremains
“NTA. From your reaction, I infer she does this a lot? One option you have is to make this a running joke in front of her. ‘Okay, mom, dinner reservations are for 7—let’s not make this like my wedding!’. Every time she tries to deflect blame, just say, ‘Sure Mom’ and laugh.”
“I don’t know what is going on with anyone trying to find some way to make you at fault for not holding up your wedding, trying to call her or whatever. It was your wedding day, she’s old enough to know how to tell time, and she was just assuming that the world would stop so she could get her hair right. She’s a raging a**hole.”
“I have several times been to weddings that started over half an hour late just because someone involved had poor time management skills or—as I suspect is the case with Mom—is a narcissist who enjoys making an entire church full of people wait on them.”
“It is extraordinarily rude. And it is also ridiculous to expect that it is the job of the bride to remind her own mother what time the wedding starts.” ~ hubertburnette
“Mom is complaining because the alternative is accepting this is her own f*ck up, and she can’t possibly contemplate apologising to her own daughter. NTA.” ~ Neat-Ostrich7135
“NTA and it seems that your mom is a bit of a diva and wanted to make a grand—look at ME!—late entrance. You did right by your officiant, your guests, and anyone else involved with your ceremony.”
“Go low contact for a bit until she musters up enough humanity to see she was wrong.” ~ Gizmodevilcat
“From what OP said, the mom left at noon to a place thats 20 mins away. Even accounting for traffic and finishing touches getting ready, it should’ve taken them an hour, hour and a half tops.”
“OP’s mom dilly dallied and probably thought to herself, ‘It’s me. She’ll wait for me’. She was probably secretly thrilled by the thought of the guests, the staff, and wedding party all wondering where she was and waiting on her.”
“When she found out they went ahead without her, it was probably a big blow to her ego.” ~ Macintosh0211
“NTA. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing, how long—time wise—it would take to do everything, the journey to/from the hotel, traffic cushion, getting ready time, etc…”
“She knew, and DID NOT care if she was late. In fact, she might have tried to be late ON PURPOSE!”
“Then she tried to project and blame shift and gaslight her daughter. Nice try mom…you’re the a**hole. Hope this manufactured drama & chaos was worth it.”
“She’d be missing from the pics too.” ~ dublybublywahine
“NTA—getting married is incredibly stressful, with everyone’s eyes on you and making a big step in your life. I remember on my wedding day being ushered around because there were so many people to greet and so many things to do between getting ready, pictures, the actual ceremony.”
“The last thing a bride should have to worry about is the guests in attendance. I would be devastated if my mom and grandma missed the wedding, but they knew what time it started.”
“The entitlement to think you would hold up the ceremony to wait for them is outrageous. Honestly, I would go no contact with my mom after this.”
“Not an overreaction, she missed one of the most important moments in your life and you should be the one angry at her, not the other way around.” ~ butpickles99
As the bride pointed out repeatedly, the invitation said 2pm. The church was full of people who showed up on time—which included an officiant who was on a strict schedule.
Asking everyone to wait over an hour while the bride’s mother took her time getting ready would have bedn selfish and absurd.