In addition to friends being playing a role in most weddings, families—especially parents have traditional functions to fulfill as well.
But what if that parent is deceased?
A bride-to-be's decision to split her late father's wedding duties between two paternal figures in her life caused conflict. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Commercial_Bride2200 asked:
"AITA for refusing to give my stepdad the role he wants in my wedding in front of his and my mom's families?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (27, female) will be getting married in the next year to 18 months—no date finalized yet."
"Originally I had planned to have my stepdad and my paternal grandpa share the father of the bride duties because my dad has been dead since I was 6 years old."
"My stepdad has been there for me almost as long, but my grandpa is hugely important and has played the role as most important man in my life after my dad."
"My stepdad did not want to share the role. He is not paying for or paying toward my wedding. We're not accepting money from anyone for our wedding."
"I don't depend on him for anything."
"My parents were together, but only for me. Their relationship broke down a few years before my dad died, but they didn't want me to grow up in a divorced home."
"My mom resented it at the same time. So when he died it wasn't a sad thing for her and she wanted me to feel the same way."
"He wanted the walk down the aisle and the father/daughter dance to be just us. He told me he was not okay with my grandpa doing either one alone or do both with him."
"He told me when it comes down to it he was the real dad in my life since I was 7 years old and while he might not be biologically my dad, he has been married to my mom and taking care of me for 20 years."
"He is also the father to all my siblings and his place in my life should be honored and not shared with a grandparent just because I lost my dad. So I told him I would have just grandpa then."
"My mom sides with my stepdad. She always wanted me to have a father/daughter relationship with him and she always hoped I would want him to adopt me and that I'd start calling him dad."
"I don't think they were already together when my dad died. I think mom was just so relieved she didn't have to pretend anymore and she moved on to a new relationship super fast."
"In the past I tried to bring stuff up to her, but she would make it clear she wanted me to accept him as my dad. She mentioned him adopting me and me calling him dad."
"When I didn't go for it, she'd stop listening to me. I know what she wants out of this and she knows I don't want the same."
"We've always been at an impasse on this. She'd never stand up for me before and she won't with this either."
"My stepdad has his own children. But even if he didn't, my grandpa is still my grandpa. He's still a connection to my dad that my stepdad will never be."
"He had a choice to be included, but with my grandpa and that wasn't good enough for him. I don't blame my stepdad for my dad not being here."
"But just because my stepdad's here doesn't mean he has taken the place of my dad or will be treated the very same as my dad would be."
"He said it was insulting he would need to share the role when my dad wouldn't have needed to. I call him by his first name and never called him dad. This has not changed in 20 years."
"My grandpa knows I am the child of his late son. He knows he has provided many things to me in my life that I needed when my dad died and couldn't do it any longer."
"He loves me. And he has been there for me. Much like the rest of my dad's family."
"It really helps when you have the family of your late parent around and when they're good people who enrich your life. Sometimes they're the only people who get your grief too."
"My stepdad was never going to be offered the sole role. He's not my dad."
"He had the chance to be part of my wedding in the role he wanted, just not entirely the way he wanted. I would not choose him over my grandpa, though. And ultimately he is the one who made me choose."
"To me, my grandpa deserves more recognition than my stepdad. He had a more meaningful impact on me and will forever be a man I love and admire and could not imagine my childhood without."
"He did not pay for college, he is not paying for my wedding, he didn't buy me my first car (or any car). He did provide for our household and for me as part of it."
"My grandpa actually gave me his old car when I was first driving (my first car). He and my grandma gave me some money to go toward college."
"Grandpa was there when I was sad about my dad. He helped keep my dad's memory alive. He made sure I never went without if times were tough (him and my grandma both did this stuff)."
"Grandpa was the person I went to for real fatherly stuff. He's the person I vented to about Father's Day and how much I hated the day some years. My grandparents took care of me when it was needed."
"My stepdad did that too. He was a parent in the house. But he was never my dad."
"Stepdad told me he wanted to walk me down the aisle. I told him I had wanted to ask both him and grandpa and it would mean a lot for them to share."
"He told me no and it had to be just him and I couldn't have my grandpa. I told him that not asking grandpa wasn't an option and we could figure out a way for them both to do it."
"He made it very clear he was not okay with that and I told him fine, just grandpa then."
"This was not the end of the conversation and it came back up during my mom's birthday dinner. He mentioned it in front of his family, aka his parents and siblings, as well as my mom and my mom's family."
"He told me he wanted to be father of the bride, he wanted to walk me down the aisle, he wanted a father/daughter dance, he wanted a toast, he wanted everything that comes traditionally with this."
"Because he brought it up in front of them and because I was slightly annoyed by him bringing it up again without clarifying he wasn't okay with sharing the role, I told him no again."
"I also told him I had already asked grandpa. This was in front of both families and it did start a debate over this."
"Once I realized I was hated for saying no, by his family, and some of my mom's family including my mom disliked that I couldn't let him do it—but some were on my side—I decided to leave."
"My stepdad told me I had humiliated him and made the dinner all about me. I said he brought it up first."
"He told me kindness and decency would suggest I not turn him down in front of everyone. He tried to use being in a more public setting to try and pressure me into agreeing to what he wanted."
"He didn't think I would want to disappoint my mom by saying no when she was there or that I would feel pressured with both their families there. I also got a very angry message from one of his siblings and another from the same sibling on behalf of his parents."
"They told me I had no business treating him this way. When I didn't reply to this person either time my stepdad told me I was going out of my way to behave inappropriately and to hurt him."
"The importance of my paternal family in my life has always been an issue for my stepdad and his family, but especially the importance of grandpa."
"For many years my stepdad has been jealous and his family has commented that I shouldn't need my grandpa because I have my stepdad."
"He's jealous because he knows I still love and miss my dad. He knows I get something from my dad's family and especially grandpa that he can never give me."
"That I have a bond with my paternal family that I will never ever have with him. It bothers him that I cling to my dad so much still and that he could never really take over what my dad left behind."
"So his jealousy is tied up in the fact he could never be my 'dad'—as in the sole dad in my life."
"My grandfather is my dad's dad. He's a part of my dad who would represent him on my wedding day. If either of them were to be more fitting of that role, it would be my grandpa."
"But I had wanted both."
"I'm not going to say my grandpa can't because my stepdad wants to be the only one. My stepdad is not my dad and he was never going to be the only one filling the role."
"I have never felt a dad/daughter bond with him. My stepdad's place in my life is different to the role my dad had or would have today. But it's still important. Just not the same and no amount of time changes that for me."
"My grandpa represents my dad more than my stepdad ever will and for that reason alone I have wanted grandpa to be part of my wedding for many years."
"I made it very clear I wanted my grandpa to do it, too. He said he wasn't okay with that and I needed to have just him."
"Well, just him is not an option. Just grandpa is. Which is what I decided to go with."
"My grandpa also had a big role in raising me. My stepdad doesn't like that, but that makes it no less true."
"His family have expressed their dislike for me several times because I have the relationship with grandpa that they feel I should have with their son."
"My stepdad expected an apology. When he didn't get one, he told me yet again that he didn't like my behavior at the dinner."
"I never wanted his family at my wedding, but I would have invited them for him. But now I'm not so sure about him being there."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I refused to let my stepdad become father of the bride and do the honors he wanted to have at my wedding, in front of his family and my mom's family.
"While I was frustrated and he brought it up first in front of everyone, I didn't have to respond and I did not have to make it so very clear in front of everyone that he wasn't asked when my grandpa was."
"This is where I feel I could be an a**hole because I imagine it made the whole ordeal more uncomfortable."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, you actually did ask him to participate as a father in your wedding. He should be happy you have a great relationship with your grandpa as well and it makes no sense for him to be jealous."
"In a sense it was him who rejected being there for you because he decided he'd rather act like a kid than actually be there for his stepdaughter."
"I'm sorry that you have to go through this OP, it's hard to set your boundaries when you're surrounded by toxic people, but you did it and you should be proud of yourself!" ~ ladyuckyou
"He also admitted to trying to manipulate you by bringing it up in front of everyone, assuming you'd fold. That's not very good 'fatherly' behavior. NTA." ~ iamhekkat
"Once you reach the point of trying to argue and manipulate your way into the position of 'most important man in someone's life,' you've already lost. NTA." ~ asuddenpie
"This is what I never understand about these situations. I can imagine being a stepparent and being privately disappointed that my stepchild didn't seem to care for me as much as I care for them."
"But I can't imagine thinking that I would gain anything by pitching a fit or trying to force the stepchild to make symbolic gestures, much less trying to force the stepchild to ice out someone else they love."
"Also, if you genuinely love someone, why would you put them through a bunch of drama like this and create a bunch of bad memories during what is supposed to be a happy time?"
"It really sounds more like outsized ego than disappointed love to me. NTA." ~ Interesting-Fish6065
"It all comes down to a sense of entitlement. He feels since he put in 'all this time and energy' into raising OP, he's entitled to be the sole father figure and receive all the spoils which come with the title."
"OP's relationship with their grandfather threatens the 'sole father figure' title, and thus makes him insecure. All stepdad cares about is recognition and praise for 'stepping up'." ~ Formal-View8451
"NTA—regardless of who you asked, the way he approached this publicly to try and force you into the decision he wanted was not appropriate."
"I get him feeling hurt, but this isn't how to handle it and he's just making this situation so much worse." ~ jrm1102
"Just remove him from all roles. If he and anyone threatens to not come to your wedding, then let them do that."
"Save that money for a better honeymoon or other expenses. Nothing wrong in a smaller wedding. NTA." ~ queenlegolas
The OP added:
"There's no way for me to make everyone happy here. If I make my stepdad, his family and my mom happy, I'll make myself unhappy."
"If I tell my grandpa I changed my mind and just want my stepdad, then it will be a lie and I won't look back on my wedding fondly."
"If I give him another chance to accept sharing the role, my stepdad, his family and my mom won't be happy. They'll say it was disrespectful to him to be asked to share the role."
"I can't talk to him about it more because he's been jealous of my relationship with my paternal side as well as the love I have for my dad basically the whole time he's been married to mom. He would need a professional to help him work through all that."
When someone gives you an ultimatum, they have only themselves to blame when it doesn't go their way.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp