When you marry into a ready-made family, there can be a lot of pressure to get everything right.
A woman who married a widower with a preteen daughter tried to do something special for her birthday.
After not meeting her husband’s expectations, the two clashed.
So the wife turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Quiet-Collection8476 asked:
“AITA for leaving my stepdaughter’s birthday party after my husband threw out the cake I made for her?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (female) have been married to my husband Jeff for a year now. He had a daughter (12) with his deceased wife.”
“When I first met Jeff it was obvious that he was struggling as a single parent. For my stepdaughter’s birthday, he’d usually get a cake from the bakery.”
“This has been the case since her mom passed away. I thought I’d bake her a birthday cake for her 12th birthday, which was last week, as a gesture to show some motherly love and support.”
“Jeff agreed and he told me what his daughter’s favorite flavors are and what she likes and so on.”
“I baked the cake in the flavor she likes and the icing she likes, but one thing was missing, and that is the blueberries I couldn’t include them because I went to the nearest store and they didn’t have them.”
“I was running out of time and couldn’t get them, so I ended up just leaving the cake as it thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal.”
“The party started and Jeff was busy taking care of everything else. He then came into the kitchen and asked to see the cake before bringing it out.”
“I showed it to him, and he got so angry when he saw that there were no blueberries on top. He went on and on about how I didn’t fully commit to making the cake and that he trusted me to take care of it and just basically said that he should’ve just ordered one from the bakery.”
“We got into an argument and he ended up taking it and throwing it in the trashcan. I was stunned as he said, ‘you know what? Forget it, I’ll get one from the bakery’.”
“I blew up and screamed at him. He told me to stop, but I went upstairs, got dressed, and left. He tried getting me to stay, but I refused and went to my parents’.”
“He later called and then texted about how I overreacted and hurt him and my stepdaughter by leaving. Also, I said that I created this situation by not ‘properly’ making the birthday cake just cause I didn’t put blueberries on top.”
“I refused to respond, but my parents say he was justified since he must’ve felt pressured from the stress of making his daughter happy on her birthday.”
“He keeps trying to speak to me, but I don’t respond.”
“AITA? did I overreact?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I left my stepdaughter’s birthday party after my husband threw out the cake I made for her.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. He threw away a homemade cake because there were no blueberries on it, and you think you overreacted?”
“Has he had explosive reactions like this in the past? Because that’s kind of scary. If he reacts this way over missing blueberries, what happens when something really goes wrong?” ~ WolfGoddess77
“I get it’s his daughter’s birthday, but he THREW AWAY THE CAKE! He then tries to get you to stay (to have you there to blame?) and says YOU overreacted?”
“I’m sorry this guy has some serious control and anger issues he needs to work through. NTA.” ~ Prestigious-Range-75
“NTA. I would bet that the daughter wouldn’t have batted an eyelid as a cake came in with everyone singing happy birthday….he ruined her party. He has issues.”
“He didn’t even try to be a grown-up and appreciate your efforts. Dump him.” ~ Philipfella
“NTA. No cake in the history of cakes has been ruined by not having blueberries.”
“I have been around people who would get this anal about blueberries, it’s never about the berries, it’s about control.”
“Huge red flag. Watch out for how easily he comes unhinged about other little things. If it’s always your fault, look up the characteristics of a narcissist and see if he fits that bill.” ~ coldhammerforged
“Here is the Narcissist’s Credo:”
“That didn’t happen.”
“And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.”
“And if it was, that’s not a big deal.”
“And if it is, that’s not my fault.”
“And if it was, I didn’t mean it.”
“And if I did, you deserved it.” ~ wisewoman707
“OP is absolutely NTA. Her very kind gesture was demeaned, and her husband is incredibly emotionally immature and abusive.”
“I hope she gets out and her parents support her better than they are.” ~ MissFerne
“OMG. NTA.”
“You have a serious husband problem. He was still blaming you for his actions.”
“Or, he believes that his actions were justified because he didn’t get exactly what he expected/asked for.”
“I feel sorry for you, OP, and his daughter.”
“Don’t go back! All your ‘fight or flight’ senses are correct.”
“His behavior is just going to get worse. Next time, he will adjust his tactics so that you can’t leave or that he will know how to manipulate you better.” ~ Comfortable-Reply35
“Seriously. She ‘overreacted’, but he didn’t when he threw a perfectly good cake in the trash?!? Over missing blueberries?!? WTF?!”
“I would have left at that point, too. OP is emphatically NTA.” ~ embracing_insanity
“NTA. You went out of your way to research what kind of care your stepdaughter would want, put in the effort to bake a cake (after agreeing with the dad on you baking the cake) and baked a lovely birthday cake.”
“It was just missing one kind of deco because you couldn’t source it in time. He went nuclear and threw out your cake?!?!”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t have stayed around after that either. It is a childish, vindictive, aggressive, and hurtful way to deal with what he saw as a less than perfect situation.”
“He seems extremely overprotective of his daughter. She’s 12 and would probably love this cake even if it didn’t have blueberries.”
“Even if she had noticed and said something, she could have been told the shop ran out, and at her age she should be able to understand that and lean to deal with that kind of ‘disappointment’.”
“Are you pushed aside in other parenting situations, too? How is your relationship with your stepdaughter?”Â
“It’s only been a year, and he already treats you like this? I’d reconsider this marriage.” ~ almalauha
“He did not appreciate your time, efforts, concern, and love for his daughter and literally threw it away. Then blamed you for that and shamed you for being upset and leaving.”
“Does he think it would have been fun, for you or for anyone else, if you had been forced to stay, while crying at a kid’s birthday party? After his tantrum upset you, and if he had succeeded in forcing you to stay.”
“Even from his (seems to me) selfish point of view, how would that be good? For his daughter, either. With that tension hanging in the air?”
“Caused by him, though. Or his glaring at you throughout, had you stayed?
“You were justified leaving. Did he think of his daughter, really, when he did that? I can’t see how she would’ve said, ‘yeah, throw out my bday cake’.”
“‘…my parents say he was justified since he must’ve felt pressured from the stress of making his daughter happy on her birthday’.”
“No wonder you are not sure if your feelings are valid.”
“They are. NTA.” ~ CrunchyTeatime
But a few felt none of the adults acted very maturely (ESH).
“ESH…. What great 12th birthday memories for a little girl most likely already struggling.”
“Look, I’m not saying he was right because he most certainly was not, but storming out was not right either. You both forgot this isn’t about you, but that child.”
“My guess is, she thinks this fight was her fault because it was over her cake. Children have a way of making situations about themselves because they are still learning not everything is about them.”
“Figure out how to communicate like adults and reassure her this wasn’t her doing.” ~ Cosmic_miscreant
“ESH – The issue isn’t just the cake. That was just the catalyst that brought you to this point. The dude is still struggling, but taking it out on you wasn’t right.”
“On the other hand, ignoring your husband and coming here for validation is making the problem worse.” ~ kchek
“ESH but the daughter. Your husband overreacted first by throwing out something that you clearly researched and baked.”
“That was extremely rude and major AH. However, this was not about yours or his feelings; it was about that poor daughter whose birthday was lessened because of both of your actions.”
“You own part of that as well. Sometimes you have to suck it up for the child, then worry about the other business.”
“You both need to grow up for the child’s sake.” ~ Clintre
While her husband’s outburst and behavior were inexcusable, did it justify walking out on her stepdaughter?
That’s a question the OP will need to figure out.