Redditor Puzzled-Medicine-641 recently found themselves stuck between a rock and a hard place.
The Original Poster (OP) was asked by her stepmother to share her college fund with her step-siblings.
This fund was specifically set aside by the OP's late mother before her passing.
This request drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for Refusing to Share My College Fund with Step-Siblings?"
She went on to explain:
"Throwaway so they don't find this post."
"I [19-year-old Female] recently found out that my stepmom [40-year-old Female] wants me to split my college fund with my step-siblings [17-year-old Male and 15-year-old Female]."
"My bio mom set up the fund for me before she passed away, and it was meant for my education."
"I love my family, and they are important to me, but I've been saving every penny and working part-time to contribute."
"My step-siblings have their own funds set up by their bio dad and I never expected to share mine."
"My stepmom insists it's about being a 'blended family' and treating everyone equally."
"I'm torn because I want to be fair and don't want to start drama in my family but I feel like this fund is my lifeline for college."
"AITA if I stand my ground and keep the money for myself?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"Your college fund is yours alone, but, just out of curiosity, where is your father in this?"
"He should have warned your step-mother that her request was highly inappropriate - not leave to fend off her guilt-tripping on your own." - Ok_Bookkeeper_3481
"NTA Your mother started that fund for you. Your stepmother did not contribute a dime to it. The money is to be used for your education."
"Your stepmother can go touch grass with her blended family crap."
"'My stepmom insists it's about being a 'blended family' and treating everyone equally."
"Her children meant nothing to your mother. Honor your mother's memory and use those funds as she intended for your education." - Heloise_Morris
"NTA"
"Ask her what proportion of the money her kids are saving now will go to your education."
"You've got college expenses now. They don't for a few years. You taking on debt, now, when they might get scholarships or grants and not need your money, makes no sense."
"But do try to save the money your mother saved for you. Get scholarships and grants if you can. A nest egg when you graduate will be welcome."
"Also differentiate between money your mother saved, money you saved, money their bio-dad saved, and money they saved."
"Do you get a proportion of what they and their bio-dad saved, in return for them getting a proportion of what you and your mom saved?" - Jazzlike_Humor3340
"NTA"
"Your stepmother has no right to tell you how to spend that money. It's from your mother, and stepmothers opinion is of no concern to this."
"I bet she didn't expect her bio children to split theirs with you."
"Don't do it." - HeirOfRavenclaw
"NTA."
"Your stepmother is being selfish--or at least entitled. If her kids already have college funds set up for them, then there's no reason why she should be going after yours."
"Even if they didn't have the funds, you're not obligated to share yours with them. College is hella expensive; you're probably going to need everything you were given."
"And I wonder how eager your stepmother would be to share her kids' college funds if they had them and you didn't." - WolfGoddess77
"NTA. You're an adult and legally can't be made to share that money. Don't do it."
"She could care less about you feeling like a true blended family and cares more about how much money wouldn't have to come out of her pocket for her bio kids college."
"She would never do the reverse for you if you'd had no fund in place."
"Your mom put that money aside for YOU. She'd want you to keep it for you. Keep your money and work hard and get a college degree to get you further in life."
"You've got this!" - Equivalent_Juice2395
"NTA, this is what your mom left for you. She wanted you to have money for education and you've built it up further."
"You have no obligation to share and you shouldn't feel guilty about it because it's yours!"
"It's admirable that you are even questioning this."
"I'm a mother and the fact you've talked about loving your family and wondering if you're doing the right thing makes me certain your mom would be super proud of you." - whatsername235
"NTA"
"How dare she! I am livid on your behalf."
"Your dead mother set you up with a college fund - and she wants you to share it with your step-siblings because of fairness?!??"
"The only conceivable way that would be fair would be if stepmom or her former partner died and your step-siblings shared their funds with you."
"I don't know which is worse - your stepmother's entitlement, her utter lack of respect for the memory of your mother, or her heartlessness towards you."
"Hard no."
"Are your mother's parents still alive? Or anyone from that side of your family still in your life?"
"Because I'm thinking they would be the right people to righteously read your stepmother the riot act."
"Take care of yourself. The family you live with, it seems, will not." - Some-Selection1811
"Ask step-mom if you will be receiving an equal share of your step siblings' funds or if only her kids get to rob college accounts?"
"If her kids don't have to share the money from the parent outside the marriage, then why should you? Their money is from their dad. Yours is from your mom."
"All things are fair as they are. NTA" - StacyB125
"NTA - Don't even give it a second thought. Your birth mom started this for you so you will remember her the rest of your life, what she sacrificed for you to get here."
"Share nothing and become the BEST person you can be... Go to the ends of the earth." - Beneficial-Nimitz68
"NTA."
"All the parents involved had the same opportunity to provide for their kids. The opportunity was equal."
"Your mom isn't here to defend you and make sure that you get the fund that is yours. She meant this for you, not for other kids that might live in your home."
"It would most certainly not be fair for your money, from her and your own work, to be taken for other people's kids."
"That's not blending a family, it's taking something from your mother, meant for you, provided for you, and handing it to someone else. That's not blending, it's theft."
"When you blend a family, you respect the differences, you don't try to erase them. When you blend a family, you don't erase the past, the history, the other people involved."
"That's disrespectful to your mother, to pretend what she intended for you should be taken away from you. Very wrong."
"NTA. I hope your stepmother apologizes for even suggesting this because it's very not right of her." - blueberryyogurtcup
"NTA. Effff that. Your late mother did not set aside her money so that future unrelated children could share in her daughter's college fund."
"It's up to your step mom to have saved. Oh wait, she didn't for whatever reason… but your college fund is not the saviour."
"Do you get to pick from your stepmom's prized jewelry and wardrobe, so that's fair too?"
"Blended family be d*mned." - Snackinpengui
The OP went on to post an edit:
"EDIT: Thank you for your kind responses, although I think a lot of people are assuming things about my stepmother and dad."
"She has been in my family for about four years now and has been almost like a second mom to me the whole time."
"(although obviously, she won't ever replace my bio mom) I genuinely don't think that she has any malicious intent."
"I will be talking with her and my dad about it tomorrow to tell them I definitely don't want to share the fund. I will put the update on my profile so as not to flood this sub."
The OP then went on to update everyone:
"I talked to my stepmother and father this morning. Both my dad and my stepmother understood my point of view and said that if I don't want to I don't have to share."
"It turns out that my stepsiblings bio father has been pressuring my stepmother and father into sharing the college fund…"
"…as he is not as well off as my mom was or as my dad currently is and so doesn't have the money to contribute as much."
"I think I will try to compromise with him: after all, I do have a lot in my college fund and I currently am on a partial scholarship."
"However, I am interested in pursuing a master's degree and possibly even a doctorate, but if I can get on scholarship for my master's, I am willing to share the leftover funds with my siblings."
"I hope he will accept this."
Glad they could come to a resolution.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp