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Stepmom Refuses To Let Husband’s Rude Daughter Move In With Them To Be Closer To School

Crying teenage girl
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Redditor IcyTap6812 is a stepmother to three teenagers.

The Original Poster (OP) has no desire to be a mom herself but doesn’t mind taking on occasional stepmother duties when the kids are over to visit.

Recently, however, the OP’s husband introduced the idea of the two youngest moving in with them.

The dynamic between the OP and the middle child is not particularly positive, causing the OP to pause in her decision.

This drove the OP to subReddit, “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).

She asked:

“AITA for refusing to let my stepdaughter live with us”

She went on to explain:

“I [28-year-old female] have been married to my husband, [42-year-old male] for 2 years, together for 4.”

“He has 3 children from a previous marriage, Lucas [18-year-old male], Lily [16-year-old female] and Kayla [13-year-old female].”

“While I do not dislike children, I don’t want children of my own, and I made this very clear to him when we dated.”

“This wasn’t an issue because he only got his children for a weekend a month because they live far away from us.”

“I made it very clear that I didn’t want to take care of his children, apart from the occasional weekend.”

“For the past 4 years, I have tried my best to be a good stepmother and have built a good relationship with my stepson Lucas and stepdaughter Kayla…”

“…but I am unable to build a relationship with Lily. I’ve tried to take her out for girls’ days, shopping sprees, and fun outings. She either refuses to go or complains the whole time.”

“The last straw was when I got her something from her wishlist last Christmas (a bracelet that she wanted), and she threw it away, saying that I got her the wrong one…”

“…and I was too poor to understand the difference. She then accused me of only marrying her father for his money. I usually don’t let her comments get to me, but this was the last straw.”

“After this, I stopped trying to interact with her and maintained my distance.”

“The truth is I didn’t marry my husband for his money. We both work in high-paying tech jobs, but I inherited a lot from my parents. I even agreed to pay for part of Lucas’ tuition.”

“Anyways, Lily and Kayla want to move to a better school the next school year. The school is closer to our home than their mother’s, so my husband said that they should live with us.”

“I don’t mind living with Kayla, but I don’t want to be around Lily. My husband goes to work 4 days a week while I work from home, so I’ll constantly have to be around Lily, and I refuse to do that.”

“I dont mind being around Kayla, but not Lily. I told my husband all this, and he called me an ah, and we’ve been fighting ever since.”

“He says I need to step up as a stepmother, and I can’t let a teenager hurt me. Lily has been in tears, saying it’s not fair that I want Kayla but not her and her mother is on her side.”

“So am I the a**hole”

The OP went on to add some clarifying details:

“**Edit: to all the people saying I signed up for this when I married a man with kids, my husband led me to believe that he never wanted full custody of them…”

“…and if anything were to happen to their mother, their aunt would get custody. He has never been close to his children and has said he regrets having them.”

“On the weekends they were with us, I spent more time with them. His reaction has me blindsided.”

“I have suggested therapy and family therapy, but my husband is very against therapy, so that is not an option. I have asked my husband to talk to Lily, but he doesn’t want to get involved.”

“If her behavior changes, even a little, I have no problem letting her live with us…”

“…but the fact that husband and his ex refuse to talk to her about her behaviour and the fact that i need to be around her all day is terrifying to me.”

“Both of us come from a culture where it’s normal to marry a man older and better settled, so our age gap didn’t come as a shock to anyone.”

“At the time of his first marriage, he was 23 while his ex was 18”

“**Edit 2: My husband leaves for work at 8 am and comes home at 8 pm. The kids are in school from 8 am to 2 pm, so i have to parent them alone from 3ish to 8 and that is not something I want to do.”

“When we got married, I said I wouldn’t take on any parenting responsibilities, and I stand by it. He refuses to work from home like me or get home sooner.”

“**Edit 3: I didn’t tell Lily or Kayla any of this. I told my husband, who told his ex, who told the kids. This was meant to be an adult conversation. I know how this information could hurt Lily”

“**Edit 4: For people saying I shouldn’t have married a man with kids, I was led to believe by my family that he was the best I would get due to my age.”

Most women in my community are married by 21. We got to know each other and I fell in love with him…”

“…and he assured me he would support my career and I wouldn’t have to take the typical role of a mother.”

“I knew that if I didn’t get married soon, my family would isolate me. I was coerced by my family and lied to by my husband.”

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided:


“You made your position known, and your husband is attempting to strong-arm you and override it in your shared home.”

“You might consider taking some of your hard-earned money and renting an apartment to work from and live in, not out of anger or revenge, but out of practicality.” – Mysterious_Pea_5008

“r/stepparents join us”

“You were a fool to think that this was never a possibility. You married a man with children so living with them was always a possibility.”

“Yes, Lily needs to learn respect. But you need to accept that his children will always be a part of your life.”


“EDIT: your edits make me lean towards ESH because of your husband’s attitude towards the issue. You’re still not innocent though” – ItsAllAboutLogic

“You married a man KNOWING he had 3 children. Regardless of how often or not he had them, things can change at the drop of a hat.”

“If their mom got sick, if there were issues at home, etc. You’d have to take them in. You can’t pick and choose which children you want there just because a teenager doesn’t like you.”

“They are hormonal at that age, going through so many changes, not to mention she’ll probably be confused at the big age gap between you and her dad.”

“The child has every right to be upset that you’re picking 1 over the other. I understand your reasons, but they are children. He has every right to want his children to live with him.”

“In this scenario, YTA. I do understand where you are coming from, but as a parent, I would put my kids before anyone, even my partner.” – Miserable_Humor5422

“Your husband is the a**hole for marrying someone who would make his kids feel unwelcome in their father’s home.”

“Lily probably is a smart girl and can feel your resentment.” – realitytvpaws

“Marries a man with kids.”

“Husband wants his kids to move in.”

“Surprised Pikachu.”

“You should have expected something along these lines, sooner or later, and should never have married a man with kids at all.”

“YTA to all of your new family.” – notforcommentinohgoo


“You were clear from the get-go. He should have known that this would be a problem”

“IMO, and reading the comments, your husband sucks for letting this go so far and not parenting his daughter.”

“It is okay if she doesn’t want to have a close relationship with you, but it is certainly not okay to disrespect you.”

“You suck too. I would get it if you insisted on your first agreement, where you had made it clear that you didn’t want to take care of his children…”

“…but you can’t seriously ask him to make such a discrimination between his kids.”

“He just can’t let one of his kids live with you and refuse the same to the other kid just because it would be convenient to you.”

“They are both his children; it would be unfair and eventually strain their relationship. Either you take both kids, or none”

The OP went on to post a final edit:

“**Edit 5: Some people are saying NTA, and some are saying YTA. It’s quite obvious that those saying YTA don’t know much about other cultures where honor killings and forced marriages exist.”

“In my culture, and actually most cultured outside maybe the US and some European countries, children or teenagers don’t get to say whatever they want because they’re hormonal or whatever.”

“In my culture, men having multiple wives is common, men marrying young women are common, men marrying women their daughter’s age is also common.”

“Most children my kids age have multiple mothers, and they know they must be respected. Learn something about other cultures before you say such harsh things.”

It just keeps getting more complicated.

What do you think, readers? Any ideas how this family might resolve their issues?

Written by B. Miller

B. is a creative multihyphenate who enjoys the power and versatility of the written word. She enjoys hiking, great food and drinks, traveling, and vulnerable conversation. Raised below the Mason Dixon, thriving above it. (she/her)