Some marriages don’t end particularly well, and the children involved might hope for closure or resolution.
Those hopes can really harm future relationships, one woman discovered on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Hungry-Illustrator75 found herself having to choose between her own comfort and her future stepchildren’s.
When the family kept siding with the kids, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should give in.
She asked the sub:
“WIBTA (Would I be the a**hole) for refusing to leave my home when my fiancé’s teen kids come to visit?”
The OP recently was going to move in with her fiancé.
“My fiancé (Sam) is moving in with me full-time at the end of next month when his lease is up.”
“He has two kids 16 (Molly) and 13 (Ella) from a previous marriage. We met 3 years after his divorce.”
“His kids want little to nothing to do with me, as they are still hopeful their parents will reunite and they’ll be a family again.”
“Recently the kids have stated they will not be comfortable being here if Sam is living with me full-time as they will feel like they do not have a home with their dad anymore when they are with him.”
“The kids have been to my house before, and I’ve tried to make them feel welcome, prepare their favorite meals, and plan outings with them.”
The family made an unusual request of the OP.
“The kids and their mom are requesting that I leave and get a hotel room or stay with a friend or family member when they want to spend the night after Sam moves in full-time, so he can focus on just the kids, and they can feel like my house is their dad’s home and be more comfortable here.”
“Sam says no way, that this time they need to adjust and accept, because he’s catered to them and their whims since the divorce 6 years ago, and he sees them every week.”
“He says that it’s not ok to ask me to leave my home when he’s moving in with me and I’ve been really good to them when I see them. I already tolerate being excluded from a lot!”
But then there was an ultimatum.
“The kids are refusing to visit if I stay there when they come over, and their mom is saying she won’t make them.”
“She is saying it will be uncomfortable and traumatic for them to see their dad living with me, and they are still struggling from the divorce and need to see their parents as a united front.”
“The custody agreement is 50/50 on paper, but there is no set schedule.”
“I know Sam wants his kids to come over and I don’t blame him for that, but I refuse to leave my home to make them happy and so it can be like I’m not part of the picture anymore.”
“WIBTA if I refuse to leave every other weekend??”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP had every right to stay in her home.
“That’s too bad for them. They can’t kick you out of your own house.”
“Sam is right. They need to learn how to deal with this and their mom isn’t helping.”
“The easiest way for them to ‘see their parents as a united front’ would be if Mom got on board and told her kids to at least be polite when they’re at your house. Her current stance sounds like she’s weaponizing the kids to punish their dad for moving on.” – angelcat00
“They are old enough to realize that’s not how life works. No one gets to make use of all the conveniences/luxuries/whatever of, well, anything while at the same time telling their only connection to those conveniences, etc. they don’t want them around.”
“It sounds like the best solution might be for their dad to downsize to some place they can stay with him on his weekends and live at your place the rest of the time.” – schnitzeldehuahua
“It’s degradation. Incrementally (or in this case, wholesale) decrease OP’s confidence as to her role in the family to such a degree that she will even entertain, much less have to type out and question such a proposition.”
“Leave your own home so some entitled people can come hang out in it and have family time… in your home…. without you…?I would say a straight no to that deal, OP!”
“Who cares about making other suggestions as to what they do with their family time? Say no. Put on some music, have your favourite snacks, and kick back in the comfort of the home you PAY FOR. NTA!” – South_Dinner3555
Others advised the OP to leave the relationship.
“OP, Don’t let Sam move in until the youngest (age 13) turns 18. You may not ever have a great relationship with the kids, but you don’t have to be disrespected in your own home.”
“The kids obviously are going to hope for the parents to get back together (as you said) and Mom is clearly okay with that to expect you to leave for the kids comfort.”
“And going forward, having them over (with all the cool amenities of your condo) probably isn’t a good idea either. If they aren’t willing to stay there with you, they don’t get to reap the benefits of where you live while excluding you. NTA” – shopgirl2
“Let’s be real, it’s a power trip, the mom is probably putting this in the heads of the kids, or egging on what was only a small issue in the beginning.”
“The fact the mother is going along with it proves it to me honestly. They wanna make it as uncomfortable as possible for OP so she’ll just break up with her boyfriend and their parents will just get back together.”
“It feels like either the mom wants to hurt Sam as much as possible by egging this on and keeping him from his kids, or she wants to get back together by making OP so uncomfortable she leaves.” – SpunkyRadcat
“She’s so fully invested in their relationship that all she sees and hears is Sam.”
“The only reason he probably don’t have them under the same roof is because the ex wife won’t allow it.”
“Whichever way this ends (and we know it’s going to), OP stands to be the biggest and only loser.”
“Now it’s just a matter of how much he’s going to pocket after the divorce from the sale of her cute little condo or if he’ll buy her out since his daughters love it so much.”
“I just wish she could see him for who we Reddit strangers do. I hope to never love a man so much I stop loving myself. Where is the love? All I read is the mental, emotional, and financial abuse he’s going to start for real the day he moves in.” – Outrageous-Program30
“Don’t leave your house.”
“Let them know that it’s yours, and if mom wants to be the way she is about it, she can get them an airbnb or hotel room.” – Brilliant_List7381
“NTA. They’re 13 and 16. They are perfectly capable of grasping the idea that their parents aren’t getting back together.”
“I’ve been separated from my kids dad since 2014, they understood at ages 6 and 8 that we weren’t getting back together, the closest they get now is my 12 year old’s day dream of one giant house where their dad, step mom, me, and both sets of grandparents live.”
“This sounds a lot like parental alienation to me, and it may be a loss if there’s no intervention. It’s something to look into re: his ex and your local family laws, but the kids are really old enough to start deciding where they stay and his only option without giving in may be accepting that and maintaining contact.” – BotanyVampire
“NTA. The suggestion is ludicrous.”
“You should absolutely NOT move in together, until this is resolved or your relationship is DOOMED. His Children are possibly ready for him to be dating ,engaged & living together.”
“But his ex is playing their emotions leading them to believe that it’s possible that their parents will get back together.”
“Where exactly does she think you’re going to go while his children are in your house? Hide in the neighbour’s basement?”
“She ( the Ex) is trying to pretend to his kids that you two aren’t ‘Really’ together.”
“The answer to this nonsense is a Hard NO. You absolutely will not hide from his kids or hide your relationship or leave your own home to pander to this nonsense.”
“He needs to talk to the kids & make it clear that you had Nothing to do with their parents divorce & there is no chance of reconciliation.”
“You two are an item, it’s been 6 years & there’s no chance that he will go back to their mother.”
“I suggest some urgent counselling with someone who specialises in blended families & a court ordered contact agreement so the ex can’t use the kids as weapons against their father.” – Competitive_Tea2413
“I am about 10 years ahead of you… my husband has been out through the ringer and his one daughter turned everyone else against me, wanting us to break up.”
“When I met him he was very close with his kids. I tried to stay in more of an ‘aunt’ role with them, but when money was tight and I had to start saying ‘no’ to larger expenses (as they got older) it was like a light switch flipped.”
“They are all now in their 20s and he has very little contact with them. He and I are very happy, now…. I feel like we weathered the storm.”
“But I truly think they did irreparable damage to their relationship with him by not treating me civilly. I think he resents them.” – asb433
“Six years?!?!”
“The mom is manipulating them and I’m glad your guy is standing up to them.”
“If that’s how they want to behave then let them. And let them complain.”
“He can pick them up from their mom’s house and take them back home at the end of the day on Saturdays.”
“They have no right to ask you to leave your home. Six years is a long time, long enough for them to have tried to move forward.”
“If they choose to remain angry and try to take it out on you, shame on them.”
“Stay in your house and let them be miserable together at their home.”
“I’m sorry they’re like that.” – HellaciousFire
“NTA!!! It’s your house.”
“Unless the deed is in their name & they pay 100% of the mortgage, tell them to go rent a room at Motel 6.”
“Pretty sure they’ll keep the light on for em!” – Many_Bench_4492
Though the OP’s sole concern seemed to be whether or not she was wrong for not wanting to leave her own home, the subReddit saw far larger problems just below the surface.
Hopefully she and her fiancé can get this resolved for their own happiness whether or not his children visit.