Co-parenting can be a nightmare.
Too many parents who are now exes often don’t see eye to eye.
This is a struggle for so many kids.
It can be especially arduous when exes get remarried and now have to juggle more families.
All-out war can be started.
Redditor Ill-Statisticia-mem wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITAH for not completely changing my kid’s life just to accommodate her father?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (35 F[emale]) was with my ex Tom (40 M[ale]) for a few years before having our daughter, 10 F, when she was a few weeks old, he moved out and in with some other girl and has rarely been involved.”
“I finally put him on child support a few years ago, and you’d think he was father of the year for paying $300 a month.”
“He never really had custody, I NEVER kept her from him, but I wasn’t going to chase him around trying to force him to be involved.”
“Last year, he remarried Peggy (45 F) and is now asking for more custody.”
“Obviously, I talked to my daughter’s therapist and agreed to every other weekend for now.”
“I’m not forcing my kid to change her life just because Tom now wants to play family.”
“The problem is that Tom and Peggy’s house is just miserable for my daughter.”
“I’m trying to keep her positive about it, but honestly?’
“They’re just not the kind of people or behaviors she’s used to.”
“They yell a lot, don’t care about hygiene or keeping a clean house (nothing C[hild] P[rotective] S[ervices] would do anything about, but does not meet normal standards, much less mine), and she hates Peggy’s kids.”
“There are five, but two are older and on their own, but she has a son, 17, daughter 12, and a son my daughter’s age, and they’re basically feral—just no supervision over there, always on their phones, no structure.”
“Oh, and Peggy is an antivaxxer, so there’s that whole situation.”
“My daughter plays soccer, and they were 45 minutes late to the game last weekend and didn’t think it was that big of a deal!”
“She was texting me, freaking out that she’d be late, and when I called Tom, he screamed at ME for calling.”
“Tom and Peggy also live out in the boonies; it’s about a 25-30-minute drive from my house to theirs.”
“I told him when he started coming around that I had no intention of driving hours or changing any aspects of our lives to accommodate him, and he promised it wouldn’t be a problem.”
“Now here we are, and he’s saying we need to set up a meeting point or switch off handovers.”
“I’m already pissed that my daughter needs to be in a car for so long just because Peggy needs to have a lot of property.”
“I told him no way, he was the one who chose to live so far from us, he can do the driving.”
“Finally, his most outrageous request has been to TAKE MY KID OUT OF HER SCHOOL.”
“She got into our district’s competitive magnet school; it’s not easy, and we both worked hard for it (me just filling out the forms and setting up meetings, she got in on her own merits).”
“Tom says that his stepkids (that apparently he’s adopting, by the way… lol) are jealous of what my daughter gets to do at school, and he wants to enroll her in their public school.”
“NOT happening.”
“My daughter has male role models, ones who actually care about her well-being and not just social media clout.”
“Tom can say he’ll go to court, but I’ll believe that when I see it.”
“He has no gumption, and honestly, I doubt a judge would side with him anyway.”
“I have always had full custody, have never kept her from him, but I need to stick up for my kid…”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Does that make me the AH?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Hey, Mom, you tried being reasonable here.”
“You did try to let your daughter have a decent relationship with her birth father.”
“You did what you could.”
“But he hasn’t met you halfway (or even 10% of the way), so just stop.”
“Stop making it work.”
“Go to court, and let the court know all the issues and, most importantly, that your daughter is being negatively impacted.”
“Visits can be elsewhere.”
“You’re not saying dad can’t be in her life.”
“But there’s no good in your child’s misery every other weekend for the next 6 years.” ~ mrsgip
“OP, you are definitely NTA.”
“The fact that Miss Peggy 😉 is an antivaxxer would have been a no-go for me right away.”
“It is your child’s father who moved, and your daughter does not need to see his new family- especially not in that sty.”
“Tell your ex he can come and take her out for dinner locally, the zoo, whatever, but it is too upsetting to your daughter to have to go to his place for many reasons.”
“It should be about your daughter’s wants- not what he and Miss Peggy want.”
“Good luck, and keep protecting your daughter.” ~ Myiiadru2
“NTA, but I’m not sure I agree with the advice to lawyer up.”
“If there is no legal custody plan and/or the plan is that you have full custody and full decision making, then leave it alone.”
“It sounds very unlikely that hot mess biodad will have the funds or the drive to do anything legally, and a legal agreement when you have been trying 2 weekends per month might turn this into a formal legal right.”
“It sounds like you have all the legal power now, so why revisit this?”
“Just stop sending her over on weekends and notify the school that you have legal decision-making, but her father may try to unenroll her, and this should be disregarded.” ~ cynical_overlord1979
“This. Does Tom want to go to court? Great.”
“Tell the judge you don’t want your kid around his unvaccinated family and poorly supervised children.”
“He’s barely been in her life up to now; there’s no reason she should have to spend every other weekend with people she hates. NTA.” ~ vrcraftauthor
“Make sure you tell the school that he is not allowed to move her out.”
“My ex did that while he had the child in August, and then brought her to the new school on the first day, before telling me.”
“Talk to your lawyer; he can’t just swoop in now and start demanding changes to your systems.”
“It’s causing your daughter distress.”
“Have her discuss with her therapist if she has one.”
“Good luck and good for you keeping your little girl stable and safe. NTA.” ~ Own-Cable8865
“He’s probably doing it as a stepping-stone to apply for 50-50, so he doesn’t have to pay any child support.”
“Talk with a good family lawyer, collect evidence, follow the rules of your jurisdiction, take whatever action your lawyer recommends.”
“If money (reducing child support) is his goal, then one way or another, you’ll be heading to court.”
“The best you can do is be very prepared.”
“By the way, I think a 10-year-old who has been well raised and cared for like your daughter is perfectly capable of making decisions about housing and relationships that affect them. NTA.” ~ Iworkinacupboard
“NTA. Lawyer up.”
“It is possible that she can choose where she wants to go, but that is usually 15+ in most areas.”
“But mostly, DOCUMENT everything!!!”
“Write down every refusal, every time he is late, every time she says ANYTHING.”
“It helps in the courts if it goes that way.” ~ Trick_Delivery4609
“NTAH. He wants more custody = he needs to work to get more custody, which means, he NEEDS to accommodate HIS DAUGHTER’S LIFE, not the other way around.”
“And, pulling her out of a good school just because some kids she sees 2 days a week is laughable, courts will not take away a good education from your daughter’s life just for that reason.”
“And, seriously?”
“Being late 45 minutes for her game?”
“That’s an a**hole move, being late is so annoying and disrespectful to others.”
“Take care of your daughter, sending hugs to you for how hard it’s going to be managing a child- and the adult child she has for a father. <333.” ~ Wonderful_Search_783
“NTA. For one, your daughter isn’t happy.”
“That’s the most important thing.”
“Two, this doesn’t sound like a very good environment for her to be in.”
“The adults can’t even keep it together long enough not to scream at each other and keep things clean for a couple of days a month.”
“The antivaxxer stuff also isn’t something I’d want my kid exposed to.”
“Three, they’ve shown they aren’t prioritizing your daughter.”
“They made her late to a game, and they want her to have a worse education so they don’t have to deal with parenting their own children by helping them manage their jealousy.”
“You would not be the a**hole if you decided she couldn’t come over on weekends anymore.”
“If your daughter still wants contact with her father, maybe you could arrange to have a meet-up once or twice a week at a neutral location, like a park or restaurant.”
“(Edit: I meant once or twice a month).”
“I think you should talk to your daughter’s therapist about the best way to approach the subject with her.” ~ Charming-Barnacle-15
“Stop these visits, lawyer up.”
“Your daughter isn’t happy going there.”
“What are you doing?” ~ askashleythatsme8
OP responded…
“Yes, I’m going to tell him he can see her outside of the house during the day.”
“She still wants to see him and loves him, she just doesn’t like Peggy or her kids because they’re trashy.”
“I told her not to call them that, don’t worry.”
“I validate her, but I’m not going to shut down my kid’s new family with a 10-year-old!”
“She said she’d like to go to the zoo or out to dinner with him, just the two of them, or stay at his parents’ house, all of which I will happily facilitate.”
“But no more overnights at the junkyard house.”
Reddit is with you, OP.
You have quite a predicament on your hands.
You’re doing all the right things.
You have to put your kid first.
Tom is completely out of line.
Stay strong.