Blended families take a lot of work.
Some kids just refuse to warm up to a stepparent.
And that friction can be there for life.
But a good parent does the best they can do.
There will be tough times, though, when their best may never be good enough.
Case in point…
Redditor Shot-Management-2196 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to give my stepson my engagement ring because he never treated me like family?“
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (49 F[emale]) have been with my husband Bill (53 M[ale]) for the past 20 years.”
“Bill had two children from his previous marriage, Jim (31 M), and Paige (27 F).”
“We also have one biological child together, Harry (16 M).”
“Jim’s and Paige’s mom passed away when they were 9 and 5.”
“I met Bill around two years after his former wife had died.”
“When I started building a relationship with the kids, I made it clear that I was not going to replace their mom and would be a trusted figure whom they could approach if they ever needed me.”
“That being said, I still made an effort to treat them like I would my own child.”
“I would take them to school, pick them up, take them to doctor’s appointments, make their lunches, ask my parents to get them presents for Christmas and birthdays, etc.”
“Both kids were somewhat hostile towards me at first, which I understand because they lost their mom.”
“However, Paige eventually warmed up to me and saw me as a trusted confidant and maternal figure.”
“She didn’t ask me, nor did I expect her to want me to adopt her, but she still calls me mom, which I appreciate.”
“Jim, on the other hand, continued to be mean and hostile.”
“I have never treated him poorly or antagonized him.”
“Nevertheless, he would make misogynistic statements like ‘it’s your job as the woman to clean the dishes’ when I would ask him to clean his plate or call me a b*tch when my back was turned.”
“My husband told him many times that the way he was treating me was uncalled for, and asked for us to go to family therapy, but he always refused.”
“He eventually moved out after reaching adulthood.”
“He continues to maintain contact with his father and siblings, but it’s minimal between him and me, and even then, he doesn’t treat me well.”
“Now I have an engagement ring that is a family heirloom for several generations.”
“It is passed down from the mother to the oldest child.”
“My husband got the ring from my mom to propose to me.”
“I told all three children about this heirloom a few years ago.”
“Anyway, Jim currently has a girlfriend whom he intends to propose to.”
“He called me out of the blue one day and asked if he could have the ring.”
“I told him no.”
“When he asked why, I told him it was because of how he has treated me all these years and how he continues to treat me, and I don’t want my family heirloom going to someone who sees me as vermin.”
“When he asked whom it would go to, I told him it would go to Paige when she gets engaged.”
“When he heard this, he lost his sh*t and accused me of playing favorites.”
“I eventually hung up when he wouldn’t stop insulting me and blocked his number.”
“My husband is on my side, but his maternal relatives have all been blowing up my phone telling me what an a**hole I am.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Wait… you’re not even his biological mom. Why does he need YOUR family heirloom if he hasn’t welcomed you into his family?”
“You are giving it to YOUR oldest child, I’m assuming.”
“Meaning the oldest child that has accepted you as a family, not the oldest biological child.”
“NTA… he’s had plenty of time to grow up and treat you like a real person.”
“If his maternal family is so concerned, you should ask them where his mother’s family ring is.” ~ IntrospectOnIt
“100% this. OP is NTA at all.”
“She also needs to make sure to keep that ring somewhere that no one will think to look for it, in case he (or a relative) likes to snoop on visits.” ~ Moravandra
“Ok, but why would you want to make someone look good for their fiancé and save them money if they’ve treated you like a piece of trash for years?”
“Dude was really just being cheap; he didn’t give a sh*t about whether it carries on a tradition. He just wants to save money and take advantage of an opportunity. OP, NTA.” ~ RekTheTea
“Exactly. I have two siblings who haven’t been very kind to my mother as of late.”
“Our dad passed away several years ago, and during the time he was alive and based on what mom has told me, I was the only one who helped take care of him.”
“One of them was living in the same house as mom and dad.”
“Neither of them contact Mom or me unless they want something or if Mom asks.”
“I heard from one sibling today after two or so months of radio silence.”
“This honestly sounds like something they would do, and as such, I saw the ending of this post a mile away.”
“I knew, based on OP’s description of her stepson’s behavior, that he was going to ask for the ring because he wanted it so he didn’t have to pony up the cash himself.” ~ Lexicon444
“That was my thought. The tradition is for it to be passed down to the holder’s eldest child.”
“Which, since no adoption or anything took place, would be her bio son, but she’s going a further step away from being TA.”
“And giving it to the eldest person to accept her as a mother figure.”
“He never agreed to be her stepson, so he doesn’t get the benefits of being her stepchild.” ~ MonkeyNinjaWolf
“I’m a bit taken aback that the dad didn’t parent his son better.”
“He can tell him to be nice all he wants. That obviously didn’t work and kept on going.”
“Where are the consequences?”
“Child refuses family therapy?”
“Well though sh*t, either cooperate or get grounded.”
“Where did he learn that misogynistic crap anyway?”
“This is absolutely unacceptable behavior!” ~ tehfugitive
“This is the most important comment I read here!”
“Some kids, often boys, try to oppose women as soon as they are big and strong enough to do so, throwing in their bodily strength.”
“It is one of the dad’s most important tasks to step up the moment this happens and to make it clear they will back up the mothers (and other female authorities) if needed.”
“OPs husband failed her there because despite the fact she is not the boy’s mother, once they were living together and there was an agreement, I guess, about how things were handled, simple tasks like helping with the dishes should have been done by every household member, no matter who was in charge.”
“The sad thing is that the fact the boy was allowed to disrespect his father’s wife maybe even have added to him not getting to like OP better.”
“He was allowed to treat her like an intruder begging for acceptance or like some servant who has to provide for him no matter what.”
“So he never needed to see that she was helpful or nice or patient where she could have been indifferent or unwilling, as she was, in fact, not his mum at all.”
“This may easily have started the entitlement he shows today.”
“NTA, OP, as the ring is yours, and it will go to the eldest child you see and are seen by as a family.” ~ thanktink
“NTA. I understand why you’re giving it to Paige because she has treated you like her mom.”
“However, why wouldn’t you save it for your biological son since he is your oldest child?”
“And it stays in your family as an heirloom.”
“I do appreciate the love you’re showing your stepdaughter Paige.” ~ dhbroo12
“He’s definitely TA, but just jumping in here to say not necessarily re: having a ring from Mom.”
“My mom didn’t have a ring because my parents got married in a bizarre game of relationship chicken where my dad flew out to her parents near Lubbock, TX, for Christmas.”
“They had a conversation where he said he wanted to either get more serious or cool off a bit if she wasn’t ready.”
“Which turned into, ‘Fine why don’t we go to the courthouse in Clovis, NM, where they don’t make you wait for two days after getting your getting your license.'”
“They got cheap gold bands at the mall.”
“Apparently, her family was like, ‘Why the hell are you both wearing rings that weren’t there yesterday???'”
“He never bought her an official engagement ring after that.”
“She passed away when I was 16, so no traditional engagement ring for me to have when I got engaged two years ago.”
“My dad just passed away last week, so I now have both very plain gold bands in my possession (which my stepmother kindly went through his dresser drawers to locate – because I’m not a total d*ck to her like this loser is to his).”
“Either way, OP’s stepson is TA and also cheap.”
“This girlfriend needs to do some serious thinking.”
“He doesn’t even want to save a couple of hundred bucks for a band for her??” ~ FantasticForce6895
Well, OP, sounds like Reddit is in your corner.
It’s your personal property, passed down through your family line.
You’re allowed to do with it what you wish.
Too bad he won’t attend therapy.
Could’ve saved a lot of grief before this point.