Partnerships mean that what affects one of you will affect the other.
This is usually a good thing – businesses grow, and partnerships flourish.
But what happens when the effect on you is as detrimental as the effect on your partner is rewarding?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) buzzkillwifi when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for demanding my husband quit his job?”
We start with excellent news…
“A year ago, my husband got a really great job.”
“He loves it. It over doubled our income.”
…with consequences.
“The problem is he’s never here. It requires a lot of travel, and he’s gone more of the month than he’s home.”
“We have three kids. 8, 6, 3. We have two dogs.”
“I am run ragged.”
“I don’t have any family to help me. I don’t have time for friends.”
“It’s never-ending.”
All work and no play.
“Cleaning, kids, cooking, kids, dogs, dogs, school, kids, cleaning, cleaning kids CLEANING COOKING CLEANING. No time for me whatsoever.”
“Before my husband got this job, we worked opposite schedules.”
“I worked in a restaurant/bar in the evenings.”
“Didnt pay great, but a couple really good friends worked there with me.”
“It was how I socialized.”
“Now that he’s gone, I couldn’t work that job since nobody watches kids at night. Now I work a part-time retail job I hate with what are essentially children (in comparison to me).”
“I don’t get to socialize like I used to.”
“I only work the hours my kids are in school.”
“But we have after-school activities, homework, dogs, dinner, never ending chores, etc.”
“THERE IS NO TIME FOR ME.”
“I don’t even get to sleep alone since my 6-year-old has night terrors.”
“When my husband was here, things felt more divided.”
“I still did a lot during the day, but it wasn’t never-ending.”
“There would still be days I didn’t have to worry about lunches or bath time or homework because my husband would pick up the slack. I could go out with friends from time to time.”
“Don’t even get me started on what it’s like when the kids get sick, and then I inevitably get sick. It’s absolute misery, and he’s not around to see it. I’m left drowning.”
“But he doesn’t want to quit.”
“He loves his job, and that’s fair. I can see he’s way happier now, but what about me?”
“Don’t I matter?”
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through this.”
“I demanded for the sake of my sanity he quit his job, but he exploded.”
“He thinks we’re doing better than ever. We could get a bigger house soon (we live in 2 bedroom rancher, but I like it). That the kids will have so many more opportunities, etc, and he’s not wrong, but what about me?!?!?!”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NAH
So many red flags.
“Wait!”
“You have separate finances even when you have 3 kids together, and you do basically all the parenting and housework?”
“OP, he is the AH here.”
“You should plan the family money together, and you need to take care of yourself, or you will explode.”
“NTA”
“Your husband needs to became your ex.”
“This is beyond exploitative.” ~ LatinCanandian
“It sounds to me that he doesn’t have ‘extra’ for anything that would help you, but he does have extra for himself.”
“The proof is in the fact that on the week he is home is is going out with his friends – I doubt that they are paying his way.”
“And HE has a gym membership?”
“He probably spends around $100 every time he goes golfing, between the golf fees, drinks and, I’ll bet money that he goes out for lunch and/or drinks after.”
“No washer or dryer, no lunch, no time to take care of yourself. And apparently, he does NOT care.”
“This man has taken selfish to a whole new level.”
“I repeat, what so many others have said -“
“Just WHAT are you getting out of this marriage?” ~ Ladyooh
“Something is fishy, OP.”
“WHY don’t you have access to ‘his’ money?”
“I know you want to help those kids, but this….this ain’t it.”~ Ladymistery
Resources.
“If you are ‘doing better than ever’, then he can afford to get you a babysitter from time to time while you go out for an actual social life.”
“Or you can have somebody come in every week or two to at least help you keep your home in order and at least take a little off your plate of responsibilities. NTA” ~ YouthNAsia63
“NAH. But hire regular house cleaners. Order a meal kit subscription service. Work smarter, not harder. Hire a babysitter from time to time and meet with friends.” ~ Interesting_Order_82
“NTA.”
“If he’s not there to help you then he needs to hire someone. A cleaning service, a babysitter, whatever it is you need so you can have time for yourself.” ~ EquivalentWise2780
“It’s not a luxury to hire some help occasionally since he’s hardly home.”
“Even a cleaner once a week or even every other week would make a big difference, and an occasional babysitter so you can see your friends.”
“It’s for your mental health and would probably cost less than you think.” ~ Loose-Wolverine5634
Not everyone was on OP’s side.
“No time for you?”
“Quit the part-time job. It’s not worth your time. You have three kids. Two should be in school full-time. You listed two dogs. If they’re such a burden to you, find a new family for them.”
“You demanded he quit his job. You didn’t have a conversation and explain how it’s impacting you; you DEMANDED.”
“He’s not your child. He’s supposed to be your partner, and you don’t get to demand he do anything.”
“You don’t have a plan for what comes after he quits, other than ‘something’ apparently.”
“You want him to quit, talk it over, come up with a plan together.”
“Oh, and YTA.” ~ Techn0ght
OP did return with closure.
“UPDATE:”
“I sent this to my husband.”
“A lot of people are saying he abuses me. I know in my heart this is NOT his intention.”
“He is NOT a bad man.”
“I want him to read through everything and really think about it and how much I’m struggling and how desperately I need his help.”
“So many of you agree with me that I can’t do it all, and I’m very thankful I’m not alone in those thoughts.”
“We talked for awhile. Naturally he’s quite upset and is feeling rather defensive, but he is very sorry.”
“That is not an easy thing for him to say, yet he said it very clearly multiple times.”
“He is going to try to catch a flight home tomorrow.”
“He going to take a week or two off work to help me get some things set up in place for me. Hiring some housecleaning and some babysitting.”
“He encouraged me to take time off work as well and just to stop thinking about finances for right now.”
“He said he’ll deal with it for a while. He says whenever I go back to work, it won’t be like it was.”
“He will help me. He’ll make sure I have some extra money and extra time.”
“I could cry with relief.”
“I am crying with reliefðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜”
The OP returned one last time to talk about a way forward.
“Don’t know if anyone will read this, but he’s home.”
“THANK GOD.”
“He’s not angry. He’s not yelling.”
“He’s been very affectionate and worried about me.”
“I’ve seen his bank account, and it’s been going exactly where I’ve been saying debt (heloc and line of credit if it matters) and savings (for moving).”
“He’s paid off over $40,000 of debt this past year. He’s not cheating.”
“There’s no other family or whatever.”
“He’s just had tunnel vision.”
“He wants to sell our place and have all our finances in order before our mortgage is up for renewal in 6 months since the rates have gone way up and our mortgage will be very high.”
“He never meant to hurt me or make me suffer.”
“He just desperately wants out of our house and needs all the finances in order to make the transition smooth.”
“He never realized how much I was struggling.”
“He’s been hyper-focused on what he thought was a family goal. He thought I was on the same page as him.”
“Before he got his new job, I was not paying for everything for the kids.”
“Somehow, it just transitioned since I was with them, and he wasn’t. He was paying all the household bills while away and never really thought about how I was managing.”
“In his mind, he was paying all the bills, and nothing was really left to me. Obviously, that wasn’t the case.”
“He is going to help me a lot more going forward.”
It isn’t always fun to re-assess a partnership, but sometimes it’s necessary.
If the new change isn’t something that’s good for everyone involved, is it really good for anyone?