Co-parenting is not an easy job.
Nine times out of ten, there are going to be issues and miscommunications.
And everyone’s work seems to always get in the way.
But there has to be a way to compromise.
Right?
Case in point…
Redditor Lifes_little_witch wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for going to a private party and getting home at 5am when I had my kids at 8am?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I’m a stripper.”
“And I do private parties where someone pays X amount of money for 1 or more strippers to come to your hotel or house.”
“Some girls who do this do some ‘extra’ things onto of that. I do not.”
“And last night I went to one of these private parties to make some more money after working in the club I got back at 5am slept for 2 hours and then woke up to watch my kids.”
“I then get a text from my husband (we separated but working on it from different homes) saying ‘So you and I are gonna have a serious talk.'”
“I call him and he starts yelling at me about partying when I know I have my kids to watch in the morning.”
“We are currently at a stand still and I wanted to know if I was the a**hole for going to the private party?”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA. You’re not partying. You’re working to feed, clothe and house his children.” ~ Tarankhoes
“What kills me is, it’s not even like she’s legally ‘supposed to’ be ready to watch the kids at 8:00.”
“It’s just a verbal agreement with her ex, probably offered as the only way she gets to spend time with the kids.”
“So the ex gets the privilege of legal full custody AND is off the hook for paying for day care.”
“While she deals with s**tty work hours and is still showing up on time to watch the kids.” ~ Ugly4merican
“NAH. Girl you were literally working.”
“He’s aware of that, yeah?”
“Also, even if you were at a party, you still got up to take care of your kids.”
“Also, how the hell did he even know?” ~ Caseyrochelle
“I worked in the medical field and worked nights.”
“There are overnight sitters and daycares.”
“Working nights doesn’t make us incapable of parenting.”
“I worked 10pm-6am, came home and slept until 9 when my babysitter brought my kids home.”
“Then I’d sleep during their nap times.”
“Thank god for when they started school.”
“My son started half day kindergarten and they did a program for pre-K too so I slept while they did that.”
“Night shift is valid.” ~ ScottlandyardRi
“He’s totally taking advantage of this situation.”
“You really should get a lawyer.”
“He has ‘full custody’ but yet for his benefit you actually have a working version of ‘joint custody.'”
“But yet he has all the control and you have none.”
“He’s fine with you taking care of the kids so he doesn’t have to pay for childcare, however he has worked it a way to his full benefit.”
“That’s what it appears.” ~ DIYDame
“You should talk to your lawyer and get legal custody.”
“You’re putting in half the hours without getting any legal support or benefit.”
“Your ex is using you as free daycare.”
“He can dictate terms in the current situation because you have no legal rights.”
“He feels entitled to shout at you for ‘partying’ when you’re supposed to have kids at 8AM because he can threaten you with taking the kids away.”
“Please please talk to your lawyers and see what custody rights you can legally get because you’ve been taking care of them 50% of the time anyway.” ~ nutwit9211
“Revisit this with the court.”
“Custody isn’t just a title thing.”
“It can come with benefits like child support.”
“You right now are functioning as if you have full custody by caring for them all day during the week.”
“Don’t let that slide. NTA.” ~ cadmium2093
“I would say NTA, but NAH – when you are responsible for watching kids, you need at least a baseline level of being alert and aware.”
“And saying ‘oh, I have insomnia’ doesn’t mean you are going to be super sharp on 2 hours of sleep.”
“Everyone needs sleep. Your statement has a lot of hubris in it.”
“No one can go on no sleep forever.” ~ AgoraiosBum
“You need to be careful with this arrangement.”
“You have basically agreed for him to be the kids primary caregiver.”
“That means if you go to court, you’re going to have a harder time demonstrating that you deserve equal custody.”
“NTA but you might want to rethink how you’re splitting time with the kids.”
“At least speak with a lawyer and ask them what to do.” ~ ssssssim
“Sorry let me get this straight.”
“You’re doing most of the child care, singlehandedly.”
“Especially given that there are 3 kids from ages 1-4, that’s hard on you and they are mostly asleep when they’re back home with dad, and without any financial aid from him.”
“Forced to work night shifts to afford anything given that you’re a stay at home mom during the day, nighttime work options limited, and then he yells at you for working the only available hours you have?”
“And he retains full legal custody, so he gets to make all the decisions in their lives, and can take them away whenever he sees fit?”
“If I’m getting this right, this is completely unacceptable.”
“You’re being treated as a free babysitter on hand, not as the mother to his children.”
“This arrangement is unsustainable and unfair to you. NTA.” ~ higaroth
“NTA but if I were you I’d get a formal separation and custodial agreement to formally document your parental contributions.”
“Because your husband makes it seem and you even sound like you’re just the babysitter when you’re parenting for 10 of 24 possible hours.”
“It will cover you in case you do get a divorce.”
“He can’t try to use your profession against you to state that somehow you’re a bad influence, under the influence, or otherwise a danger to your own children.” ~ ARealCabbagePatchKid
OP had more info to share…
“So another thing I want to mention, I am 22 years old.”
“He’s 27 years old.”
“I left him with me and my kids back in late February and moved into a rental.”
“Well I found mold in said rental and I moved immediately breaking the lease and now I’m staying with my grandma while he has his place with the kids.”
“There was no custody agreement at first cuz I honestly didn’t know you could do that.”
“I’m still learning and getting more information day by day.”
“And yes I said we are trying to work on it.”
“But I do have that thought in the back of my head that none of it will change and this is all pointless energy to be wasting.”
Reddit continued…
“I’d focus on co-parenting.”
“He isn’t even on his best behavior when y’all are ‘working on it’ and that’s typically when people are kissing a**.”
“It doesn’t seem like he’s supportive of your job, so how will things improve if you were together?”
“You don’t deserve that.”
“It definitely seems like you need to talk to a lawyer about custody, unless you don’t feel like you’re in a good place for that.” ~ No-ThatsTheMoneyTit
“This right here is why I think hospitals should automatically assign social workers when they deliver a baby that was conceived as a minor.”
“No adult wants to date a high schooler unless they like relationships with an inherent power imbalance and a baby is a great way to continue that power imbalance.”
“You can see it play out here.”
“OP literally can’t just take move out with a normal custody arrangement where they split days or weeks.” ~ Used-Situation
“Talk to a family lawyer.”
“Initial consultation is usually free (at least where I’m at), and they can help you decide what is the best plan moving forward.”
“It’s probably in your best interest to have some custody agreement written down somewhere.”
“Just so that he can’t decide on a whim that you don’t get to see your kids anymore.”
“Additionally, custody agreements aren’t actually completely finial unless either one of the parents terminates their parental rights (or gets terminated) or the kids are 18.”
“That means, if there’s a big change in circumstances, for example you and him getting back together, you can just change the agreement (and if everyone’s on board that’s usually not hard).” ~ elusively_alluding
“NTA. You were working, not partying, and while sleeping so little sucks, it’s not like parents always get a lot of sleep.”
“There is no reason for him to be upset, you should not feel guilty or bad for doing extra work to provide for your family.” ~ Alternative-Emu-3572
Well OP you have a lot to think about.
Reddit has your back though.
Hopefully you and your partner can make an amicable compromise with custody.