The danger about making assumptions is that there is every chance they might be wrong.
With this in mind, it's best not to avoid making a comment or bringing attention to these assumptions till you know for a fact they are accurate.
Saving you from needing to pull a giant foot out of your mouth.
Redditor Disastrous_Front_725 was less than mesmerized by the substitute teacher assigned to cover their English class.
Particularly when this teacher suggested a topic the original poster (OP) should write about for an upcoming personal essay.
A topic the substitute teacher assumed had to be accurate based on information they had been given.
Rather than correct them, the OP instead decided to have a little fun with this substitute teacher.
After being scolded by the school counselor for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for pretending 'I didn't know I was adopted' to make my teacher embarrassed?"
The OP explained how their substitute teacher ended up being the victim of a prank:
"OK, so I'm in high school, and this was in my English class."
"Our real teacher is on paternity leave, and we have a long-term substitute."
"So yesterday she was telling us she wants us to write personal memoirs about something very important in our lives, and she goes about listing various examples for different students."
"She told me I could write about being adopted and how I felt when my parents told me."
"Now I must have made a face then because I'm not adopted."
"I have two dads, but they had me through surrogacy."
"So technically, there was a legal adoption for my non-bio dad, but one of my dads is my bio dad, and my bio 'mom' is my other dad's sister who donated her egg and carried me."
"I think it would be a stretch to call me adopted. Also, the sub has no basis to even know any of this because as much as I've written in class, it is just that I have two dads."
"Anyway, she's kinda old school and doesn't like when we talk too loud (which to her is talking at a normal indoor level on group assignments), make any normal faces, and whatever."
"She basically called me out on making a face and was like, 'OP if you don't want to write about being adopted, you can choose another important topic to your life, maybe how you help your dad at home?'"
"One of my dads has cerebral palsy and is mostly blind from optic neuropathy; I did write briefly about that in the intro assignment with our other teacher, so he must have left them with her to get to know the class."
"I was confused, so I said, 'I'm not adopted'."
"She just put her hand over her heart and goes, 'Oh, honey'."
"So now my brain, which was lagging, caught up, and I realize she's only thinking I'm adopted because I have two dads."
"So at this point, I'm like whatever, I'll just play into it, so I look upset, and I'm like, 'I didn't know I was adopted!'"
"She's kind of panicking a bit and telling everyone to just start writing something."
"A lot of my friends are laughing under their breath because they know I'm not adopted, so she's telling everyone to quiet down, and it's not funny, and to get to work."
"I'm like ; what do you mean I'm adopted?'"
"She's trying to tell me not to worry about it and just ask my dads when I get home."
"And I'm like, 'how can I be adopted?'"
"So she just sends me to the school counselor, and I told her this story basically, and she basically gave off the vibe that it was a sh*tty thing to mess with the sub that way, and I could have just explained I'm not adopted because now I've made her worry unnecessarily and embarrassed her."
"I don't think parts of my life are up to her to decide what I want to share or not, and I feel like it's on her if she feels embarrassed for assumptions she made."
"Maybe that makes me the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for pranking their substitute teacher.
Everyone agreed that the OP's comeback was brilliant, and they had every right to put the substitute teacher in her place, as she shouldn't have brought up personal information of any kind in front of the class to begin with.
"Daughter in grade 3 ( who is foreign adoption doesn't look like us), another child in the class kept saying your real parents gave you away, why didn't your real parents want you, those aren't your real parents, etc. asked counselor to talk to child because hurting my kid's feelings."
"Counselor said another child was just telling the truth, so we had to live with comments."
"Daughter high functioning on the spectrum so doesn't always think fast for comebacks so we taught her to say to the nasty child, 'your parents had to take you, they didn't get to pick the child they wanted, you were born they had to take you.'"
"'My parents picked me out of lots of children and traveled to another country to get me.'"
"'So I don't care if you think they aren't my real parents.'"
"Later that day, I was in the counselor's office because of a nasty child crying. My daughter hurt his feelings, and his mom had to be called because he was so upset."
"Mom was livid."
"Counselor said what are you going to do?"
"I said the same thing you did when I complained, nothing because everything my child said was true."
"Counselor just looked shocked."
"Principal not happy, not counselor had to receive training and nasty child learned to leave my child alone."
"Happy Ending."- Slightlysanemomof5
"NTA."
"Teacher is completely inappropriate."
"Good for you mirroring back her BS."
"The counselor had a crappy perspective."
"She and the teacher are not respecting you as a person, including your privacy."
"What about the teacher blatantly talking about you then conveying pity (?), your supposed ignorance (?)."
"School staff should not state personal life details (or insinuations) in class."
"This is a breach of privacy."
"You and your family should submit a complaint and/or meet with the principal/teacher and counselor."
"There is no stopping this person; imagine her asking others: 'You can write about being homeless, your gma's 'past', twin's death in the ice last year...'"
"Imagine if topics were stated aloud in class for her to write about."
"Best to you!"- DesertSong-LaLa
"NTA."
"The sub was out of line bringing in your personal life."
"Unless you give permission to share your paper, she does NOT have any right to talk about it to the class or to the other teachers."
"You need to tell your Dads about this."
"They should write an email about your right to privacy and send it to the principal, the teacher, the school counselor, and the person at the district in charge of counseling."
"They do need to blast this way out there because the cause of so much teacher lunchroom gossip is constantly circulated."
"That could be the source of her assumption that you were adopted."
"The sub needs to be fired, a new one brought in."- WesternTumbleweeds
"NTA."
"That's f*cking hilarious."
"Discussing one student's parentage in front of the entire class is a landmine, and she stepped right on it."
"Now she'll know better than to try that again with someone who actually might be harmed by the discussion."- Venetrix2
"She was out of line even if you were adopted, and her feeling 'embarrassed' is no one's fault but her own!"
"She owes you an apology for being invasive and talking about it in front of the whole class!"
"No one took into consideration how embarrassed you may have been!"
"NTA, but the teacher and counselor are!"- MoreSobet1999
"NTA."
"Had a teacher would do genealogy, and after assigning it one time, a kid didn't show up for the week, come to find out adopted."
"The teacher immediately changed it to where people could choose their genealogy or anyone."
"A celebrity, a neighbor, and said that as long as they showed someone and tried, she didn't care."
"She changed the entire handling of a subject so a kid could have a choice, and off chance, the kid is adopted and doesn't know the family can direct them to another choice."
"All this to say your sub as an a** and shouldn't have said anything."
"It's also stupid. In high school, I could have written on my hair and the effect that had on me."
"Yes a yt child in the 90's with curly hair really f*cked me up."
"The counselor was probably just trying to show other sides, who knows, but tell your dads 'cause that's bananas."- _parenda_
If it's easy to see why this substitute teacher thought the OP was adopted, it was wrong to bring it up in front of the whole class.
There was every possibility that the OP might not have been kidding and been unaware that was the case.
One can only hope this experience has taught this sub to choose her words a bit more carefully and keep the private lives of her students private.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp