Reddit CharlieOutlaw23 is a 23-year-old female who is married to her 26-year-old husband.
When it comes to what’s more important in life, they are not on the same page.
Evidence of this was revealed when he took matters into his own hands to prove a lesson.
Now they are not on speaking terms after she confronted him about his actions.
Wanting validation from the internet about her priorities in life, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for blowing up at my husband for messing with my alarm and causing me to miss my exam?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I f23 have been married to my husband m26 for a year. I’m in my last year of university and been so so busy for the last two weeks, with many projects and finals looming.”
“My husband complains from seeing me studying and not doing activities together or hanging out with friends anymore. I’ve told him it’s not gonna last forever and that I need to focus because this is my last year and it’s been the hardest.”
“The day before the exam he wanted me to go with him to a friend’s birthday party. I refused because I was busy preparing for my exam.”
“he pleaded with me saying it’s just one hour and talked about how his friends will be upset if I’m not there. I said no and shut down any further discussions. He got upset and called me selfish and inconsiderate but then dropped it.”
“Before I went to bed, I set my alarm clock like I always do since I’m a heavy sleeper+I stayed up late studying. The next morning I woke up at 9am.”
“I literally freaked out and checked my alarm and found that it was set to go off at 9:30 am. I had no idea how this happened til my husband told me he did this to repay me for refusing to take one, one hour to attend the party so he took this hour from my time.”
“I couldn’t believe it I absolutely blew up at him just yelling and screaming at him left and right. He just stood there shocked from my reaction and my rage. I got dressed quickly and rushed to the university.”
“They didn’t let me into the exam hall. I got into a lot of hassle to get them to re-schedule the exam especially since I had no legit reason as to why I was late. It was awful is all I can say.”
“I went home and my husband and I stopped speaking to each other. He kept acting as if I hurt his feelings and traumatized him by yelling. And that I deserve what he did since he was frustrated with my continual refusal to attend all events for the past 2 weeks.”
“I might be wrong for not considering it but I think that my exams should be a priority and his way of ‘teaching me a lesson’ was not right.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole here.
“He punished you because you didn’t obey him. He tried to sabotage your degree (or at least passing a class) worth thousands of dollars… because you didn’t obey him.”
“NTA, but I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship with a man who feels entitled to do this. I also wouldn’t trust him for a long as time, if ever again.”
“Set your alarm on your phone and change your passcode so he can’t get to it. Make sure your bank account is separate.” – cadmium2093
“NTA – He did this totally out of spite KNOWING it would cause you to be late to your exam. You are right, university doesn’t last forever and you will be able to go out and do more fun things when it’s over.”
“Might be worth reminding him that it’s actually going to be longer until you can do that now that you’ve missed your exam.”
“On an unrelated note, if you just simply didn’t want to go that should also be fine? He doesn’t need you to hold his hand everywhere.”
“He seems disrespectful of your time, your work and your autonomy.” – TheTARDISRanAway
“This too OP. If you didn’t want to go, that is fine too. You shouldn’t have to worry about being punished because you aren’t catering to his every whim. No is a full sentence. His behavior is unacceptable on so many levels, and starting to lean into abuse territory.;” – cadmium2093
“TWO WEEKS. She didn’t make him the center of her life for TWO WEEKS, and this is the pettiness he descended to.”
“He doesn’t think his wife’s education is important because it has nothing to do with him.”
“Say he never becomes abusive. Say this is the worst that it gets. This still is not good.”
“Life is filled with difficulties for everybody and having a spouse who utterly ignores your wants and needs whenever you have a problem is not a good life. Often those difficulties last a lot longer than two weeks, so imagine his pouting after not being the center of her attention for longer. (I’m just imagining how awful he’d be during any pregnancy.”
“‘Why didn’t you go to the party?!?!’ ‘The doctor put me on bed rest, remember???’ ‘Oh, but it’s only an afternoon, not a big deal, you need to come anyway.’)”
“The first couple years are the ‘honeymoon’ period, and if it’s this bad now, it’s not going to get any better.” – HarpersGhost
“NTA.”
“Holy sh*t, your husband wanted to actively ruin your future because of a f’king party you couldn’t attend? What kind of husband would do shit like that.”
“That’s so f’king petty. I think he deserved a lot more than just being yelled at. I would have kicked him out immediately.” – JBR3196
“My husband and I started dating around the time of my second Master’s and got married after I had completed it. Now I’m in a PhD program. Through all of it I’ve had to work insanely hard but never has the man complained once.”
“Your partner should be understanding the importance of your education and career.”
“NTA OP but I strongly suggest rethinking living with this man.” – tiredcatq
“Jeez I am reading through other women’s experiences and am I thanking my stars.”
“When I used to study or work from home I sometimes used to get so engrossed in work that I forgot to drink water. Every 2-3 hours my husband would walk in, put a glass of water on my table, say ‘drink some water baby, you haven’t had any in a while’ and leave.”
“That’s it. He would sometimes even cancel plans with his own friends or colleagues (although I always urged him to go and have fun) just because he knew I had a deadline the next day and wouldn’t go out.”
“For the past few months we’ve been long distance because my PhD work is in another city and if he knows I have to study or have something important the next day, he’ll offer to call and wake me up because he knows sometimes I sleep through my alarms.”
“He will also ask me what time I’ll be free at night if I’m working late, set an alarm (even if it’s like 2am) and wake up so I can talk to him after my work is done.”
“People please don’t settle for partners who don’t respect your dreams and try their best to help you do your best.”
“I’m gonna call and tell my husband thank you, because the gratitude I feel rn!” – tiredcatq
“You gave him space because that is a normal thing to do. I love my husband to the moon and back and we have kids together but if he did what OP’s husband did, I’m pretty sure there’s no amount of anything that could be done to fix our marriage.”
“It’s unforgivable because of what it represents. He is a controlling asshole who messed up with your future, OP. And then he blamed you for it. This is some serious DARVO sh*t here.”
“And I don’t buy it for a second it’s the first time something like that happened because he’s already manipulated you enough to doubt yourself whether you are the asshole in this situation.”
“He’s messing with your head. Read that again. You’re being manipulated. It’s dangerous and it will escalate. Do with that information as you will…” – Laurelinn
“NTA. He’s sabotaging your academic future, which is also tied to your career. He’s doing this deliberately.”
“This isn’t just about ‘you wouldn’t give me an hour so I took an hour because I’m upset’. It’s about controlling you and sabotaging something which could give you independence from him. It’s actually really, really serious. It’s coercive control, which is a form of abuse.”
“Any person who thinks they have a right to ‘teach a lesson’ to their spouse is a giant red flag. That isn’t how you resolve disputes. But he chose to do so knowing the consequences for you would be potentially disastrous – in my universities, you would have failed that exam and be capped at a failing grade even if you sat it later. Which would have a disastrous effect on overall degree results because last year counts for the most.”
“You didn’t deserve what he did and you didn’t overreact. This would genuinely be divorce territory for me, because he is trying to sabotage your future. A decent spouse is supportive of their partner doing things like education or work – he is trying to ruin it for you.”
“It isn’t just about the party, he’s upset because you’ve been assertive and set boundaries and he hasn’t been able to control you.” – sunkathousandtimes.”
Overall, Redditors strongly advised the OP to reconsider staying in her marriage to someone who does not understand and respect what she considers is important in her life.