It can be heartbreaking to see someone you love not love themselves.
But, self esteem is personal and something they need to learn by themselves.
Redditor ThrowAway_Window9562 encountered this very issue with his girlfriend. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my gf she should get a boob job?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Title sounds awful but here’s my story: I (m26) started dating Lissa (F24) about 10 months ago our relationship started very casually and little by little became a bit more serious, but we’re still not in the ‘I love you’ part.”
“Early in our relationship we developed a very weir dynamic, when she wanted a compliment, she would say something bad about herself and I then would tell her she’s beautiful and that there’s nothing wrong with her.”
“For example, she would say her hair looks awful and she wishes she had silkier hair then I’d tell her about how beautiful her hair and hairstyle is.”
Then, she saw the ex.
“Around mid-September we were hanging out at my house when she found a pic I had with my last ex, I wasn’t keeping that pic for any particular reason it’s just a regular photo of the two of us hugging and I had forgotten it was there (Lissa founded it in an old notebook).”
“She got a bit angry and demanded to know if I still had feelings for her, I told her no and we discarded the photo however Lissa was still angry and started making snide comments about how (in her own words) ‘I probably still miss having my big boob ex in my life.'”
“Now, I’m afraid of making this sound more misogynistic that it is until now so I’ll be brief: Yes, my ex had bigger breast than Lissa, no, it doesn’t make any difference to me and wouldn’t date anyone based on breast size alone. I do have my preferences but I still not something that definitive.”
OP’s girlfriend was still hurt.
“Anyway after this incident she would constantly say she ‘wished she had bigger boobs’ so that she could make me happy, I of course would tell her she is great the way she is and that I love her boobs but after a month of hearing this daily or sometimes twice a day I started getting annoyed.”
“And yesterday I told her that if she felt so strong about it she should just get a boob job, then silence, she didn’t argue and just left.”
“She hasn’t been answering my text or calls, so at the time I was fed up and felt like it was justified but now with a cool head I think I’m not so sure, so anyway… Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. You gave her the response she wanted and she was looking for a fight. Insecure people are exhausting. It’s not your role to fix her.” ~ 4614065
“This. Don’t waste your time on insecure people because they will drain you and take their problems out on you.” ~ GSGBsamurai
“I agree with this and will add the fact that people cope with their insecurities differently. Some, like the girlfriend, search for compliments and reassurance.”
“Others get angry and blow up. I personally don’t like being made fun of my insecurities but I don’t search for compliments or try to compensate.”
“I acknowledge my insecurities and either try to fix the issue or learn to accept whatever it is. Everyone reacts differently and there are definitely many levels of how insecure a person is. People who are severely insecure and don’t have healthy coping skills or mindfulness are exhausting.”
“OP: you’re compliments will never be enough for her. I’m not saying you need to break it off, but this behavior will continue. I think she needs to go to therapy to get to the root of the insecurities.” ~ Rugger_2468
OP is doing the right thing by reassuring his girlfriend.
“I used to fish for compliments as my way to cope, but as I got more secure I stopped doing that and also realized how exhausting that must be.”
“Everyone would be much better off if they never used that method.” ~ GilbertDeBoss
“NTA I agree, and needing compliments isn’t even all that unhealthy as a coping mechanism (in moderation), it’s the way she is approaching OP that is the problem.”
“With my ex when I began to feel insecure I would tell him I needed to hear good things about x or just about me in general for a moment to remind myself of my worth. This can be scary, because it does make you emotionally vulnerable, but I kinda feel like that’s the point of having a partner.”
“Hearing your partner constantly neg themselves can also have negative repercussions for your confidence in your ability to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend/themfriend, because you begin to think that if you were doing a good enough job as a partner then they wouldn’t be feeling this bad about themselves.” ~ harley_grr
“And this is the degree that means she doesn’t know how to love herself so she expects others to overcompensate their expression of affection, and asks for it incessantly until they finally suffocate you with their neediness and make you feel like truth and honesty are knives in their heart. It’s oppressive love. I wish I could say I’m being facetious. I don’t recommend being the giver or the receiver.” ~ facystox
“There’s being insecure and then there’s making your insecurities everyone else’s problem by constantly talking about them and not accepting that people like you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with having insecurities, but when you can’t shut up about them, are constantly seeking approval, are constantly jealous of people that have what you want, or can’t believe that a person that’s dating you actually likes you or is attracted to you, you’ve gone past just normal insecurities and need to get some therapy.”
“There’s nothing normal about that behavior.” ~ Smecterbice
Self esteem comes from the inside.