What’s in a name?
In some cultures, names are fluid. A person’s names may change multiple times during their life.
Many cultures afford adolescents the opportunity to alter their names as they enter adulthood.
As a Roman Catholic, I could have altered or changed my name when I completed the sacrament of Confirmation. Most people just added another middle name, but I chose to keep my name as it was recorded at my baptism/on my birth certificate.
If I had decided to get married, Roman Catholic doctrine would have allowed another name change. Secular law also allows some name changes at marriage.
But my surname is rare and unique. I knew if I ever married, I’d be keeping my surname and not hyphenating unless my husband had a spectacular last name. If his name was common or boring, I’d have invited him to take my last name.
Which flies in the face of the traditions of the United States and other countries settler-colonized by the British Empire—where English-speaking European immigrants permanently displaced Indigenous populations.
By law, men of the British Empire owned women as property. Ownership would transfer from father to husband at the time of marriage, and the woman’s surname would change accordingly.
But as women gained more and more autonomy and independence—legally and culturally—they began to reject changing their surname. Some hyphenated with their spouse’s name, others just kept their original name.
A wife who initially changed her surname but regretted it, turned to to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her and her husband’s solution.
Jqf27 asked:
“AITA For changing my family’s last name ‘secretly’ while not informing anyone?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (38, female) got married 3 years ago to my husband (41, male). I changed my last name to his immediately following.”
“My relationship with my in-laws was never super, but it was civil until about 2020 when our differences became obvious and were hard to reconcile. They have never welcomed me into their family and never put forth any effort to be a part of our lives.”
“At first my husband just said things like ‘they are like this with new people’, ‘this is just how they are’. Over time though, they have not only managed to alienate me, but my husband as well.”
“They have implied I was a gold digger and have called me quite a few unpleasant names.”
“My husband had enough with them during our first year of marriage, and when he went low contact with them, they tried guilt, manipulation, and passive aggressiveness to get him to resume what we call his ‘previous role’ in the family.”
“Being the one to do ALL the work in the relationship!”
“When that didn’t work, they basically cut us out. They never called much before, but now they never call and then act like it’s our fault they don’t and play the victim constantly.”
“I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and my new last name just didn’t feel like me, especially considering his family. After my diagnosis a year ago, my therapist explained sometimes people with BPD struggle with this since we struggle with identity as well.”
“So it’s been talked about a lot. My husband had suggested we BOTH change our last names. I thought it was an interesting idea.”
“I didn’t want my maiden name back because it is hard to spell and pronounce and not at all common in our country. I liked his last name because it was such a common last name.”
“We talked about this for about a year and settled on my grandmother’s (deceased) maiden name. It’s common-ish, easy to say and spell, and we feel honors my family who we have to thank for our lovely life today.”
“It was surprisingly easy, we set up a court date, filled out the papers, had a hearing all within a few weeks. Then…we changed it on social media.”
“His family found out and is pissed. Some of my family found out and are pissed. They said we had no reason/right, what have you.”
“I told all of them it was a decision between me and my husband and it was not up for debate.”
“On his side, they cut US off and never even talk to us. On my side, no one OWNS the name and it left with my grandmother when she died.”
“One of my aunts tried to say I needed their permission. In my opinion, the only permission I would have needed would be my grandma or my father, both of whom have passed away.”
“My mother thought it was a great idea, and so did my siblings.”
“We are getting bombarded. We are basically grey rocking.”
“But it’s not like it was a rash decision. We are both delighted with the change.”
“But, the amount of backlash I’ve been getting has me wondering if we effed up by not ‘announcing’ it or telling people in advance.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I changed my last name along with my husband, and we didn’t tell anyone we were doing it prior to it being done.”
“People are really upset with u,s and it has me wondering if we did something wrong.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“This—’One of my aunts tried to say I needed their permission’—is absolutely laughable.”
“My partner has BPD, and she has been through several name changes, only to wind up back at her maiden name. But it’s entirely her call, not mine, and I try to call her by the name she’s chosen.”
“You deserve that courtesy too. NTA.” ~ wndrgrl555
“NTA. Tell your aunt that the court did not require her permission when they granted the name change. Tell her they never asked about her at all. It’s not all about her.” ~ squirrelsareevil2479
“I’d tell your aunt, ‘Sorry, they didn’t have a did you get your aunt’s permission section on the legal name change forms we filled out. I guess the legal system thinks it’s none of your damn business’.” ~ MohawMais
“After several years of marriage my partner and I changed our last names to something new, for reasons different than yours.”
“We told our immediate families before and told others after. We didn’t ask anyone’s permission because we didn’t need to.”
“NTA. You did what is right for you. You made no mistakes.”
“I get that his family might be irked. But why does your family care? They didn’t mind you changing it the first time, why do they care about the second time?” ~ agogKiwi
“I don’t have BPD, but I can relate to a name just not feeling right.”
“I changed my name when I got married and hated it every second of my ten-year marriage. So when we divorced, I changed it back to my maiden name, which I love. It just fits.”
“You do not need anyone’s permission to change your name to something that fits. I’m glad you found something that fits. NTA.” ~ Express-Diamond-6185
“NTA. These people should really examine why they are so upset over something that literally has nothing to do with them.”
“Do they not know how to update their contacts? Is that it?” ~ Aylauria
“I can’t even figure out how that would work. How would one grant or deny permission for that? ‘Yes, you can do this thing that has nothing to do with me and will affect my life in absolutely no way and I have no ability to prevent you from doing. Thank you for asking’. WTF‽‽” ~ Turtle-theory
“As someone who changed their first name, it’s also a pain in the a** to change a name on everything.You don’t do that on a whim. Doing it multiple times is a real chore.”
“Nobody cares if someone else changes their names, except the person who changes it. The only important bit is that it’s done legally and authorized by the government.”
“Why can’t people not give a sh*t about what someone else does with their personal lives?”
“Is it too hard to just be like, ‘Oh, congrats on the new name! What’s the reason for the change? Oh, I see, that’s cool’.” ~ goddessofthewinds
“NTA. I’m not BPD, but I do have ADHD and OCD. I didn’t think I had an issue with changing my name.”
“But my husband passed away back in December, and now having his name feels wrong. Like I don’t deserve that honor and title when he’s not here.”
“I don’t anticipate going back to my maiden name, but the way I feel right now is crazy to me. I expect I’d get backlash from his family if I went back to my maiden name like they would be offended I didn’t want to keep it, but there’s just this big part of me and my identity.”
“If I’m not his wife, I feel like I’m not this name now.” ~ KknhgnhInepa0cnB11
“NTA. Your name is no one else’s business, and you don’t need anyone’s permission to change it. Just ignore the complaints; they’ll get over it.
“And if they don’t, it just proves they’re awful people. You don’t need to care what awful people think about your life.” ~ eefr
The OP can be certain they have the backing of their mother, siblings, and a passel of strangers on Reddit.
You do you, OP.