Let's face it: some people in the world refuse to be happy about good results or perks unless they are the ones receiving them.
Unfortunately, this seems to be increasingly common among adult siblings who try to outshine and outearn their family members, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Abbyissostupid traveled frequently for work and worked a lot, so when it was time to go on a trip with their family, it wasn't that surprising that they received an upgrade offer for a first-class seat.
But when their family spent the rest of the trip shaming them for not giving the seat to their brother instead, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was more important to have a fun trip than to play comparison games with their siblings.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for not letting my six-foot-six tall brother have the free first-class upgrade seat the airline gave me on our 12-hour flight?"
The OP was excited to celebrate their father's hard work and retirement.
"We are at the beginning of my dad's retirement family trip."
"He is paying for all of us to meet as a family in Hawaii for a week since he is retiring after working at the same company for 42 years. There are six of us, but my brother and I live in the same part of the country."
"I guess it's relevant to say I am five-foot-one and my brother is six-foot-six."
The OP received work benefits while traveling with their family.
"I fly all the time for work and have quite a bit of status with the airline for which my dad bought our tickets."
"Earlier today, we were all boarded and ready to go when a flight attendant came up to me and whispered that they had a first-class passenger not show up and they needed the coach seat to accommodate a standby passenger."
"She said I had by far the most status of anyone on the plane so they were willing to move me to first class for free."
"I was like, 'Oh yeah,' and I took it in a heartbeat. I told my brother I'd see him in 12 hours and to let me know if he wanted any food or drinks, and I grabbed my stuff and moved."
"Needless to say, I had a nice flight."
The OP's brother didn't appreciate the ticket upgrade one bit.
"When we landed and were waiting for our shuttle, my brother was so pissy but wouldn't tell me what was going on. He didn't speak to me the whole shuttle ride."
"We had a nice hello with the rest of the family, but after I got down from my shower, my mom took me aside and said what I did 'was awful.'"
"I asked her what she was talking about, and she said that I should have given my brother the seat."
The OP wasn't so excited about the vacation anymore.
"I thought that would be the end of it, but all five of my siblings and my parents are upset with me, and the vacation is off to a very rough start."
"I was trying to play with my niece and nephew in the lobby while waiting for brunch, and my sister said, 'No, they only like to play with people who give a sh*t about their family. What were you thinking?'"
"I asked her if this was about the first-class thing, and she said, 'What do you think it's about?'"
"I said that he never asked me to switch with him, and she said, 'An a**hole makes people beg, family members don't.'"
"I've been by myself since brunch and not having much fun."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that it probably wasn't an option for the OP to "share" anyway.
"OP! Tell them that it wasn't even an option for him to move to first class. If you had declined, they would have moved the next person on the list, not your brother." - Nekawaii19
"I had something similar happen to me years ago on Air Canada. It was a Vancouver to Toronto red eye. I was flying with my adult daughter and got tagged for an upgrade."
"I asked about letting her fly up front instead and was told the seat is only available to the status holder. I was exhausted from a week working away so I took it."
"No one shamed me for it. NTA. Your brother was getting a free vacation and being jealous of your status was rude. And ill-informed."
"Too many people think the life of a road warrior is all peaches and cream. It isn't." - BetAlternative8397
"Traveling frequently for work is exhausting and is difficult on your personal life. Those reward points and status perks are hard earned and should be enjoyed." - DrStrangepants
"If he wants the upgrade, HE can spend thousands of dollars and countless hours flying or get a travel credit card and start earning points like the rest of us."
"My sibling is a huge travel nerd, so he has several ways of earning points, and he is often willing to share them with us. But when he only has enough for one upgrade, obviously, he gets it. I would never be mad about that, what the f**k, OP's brother?" - lotteoddities
"OP, you need to send a group text, 'I was offered an upgrade in my seat because of my status with the airline. If I had turned it down, they would have gone down their list. The seat would not have gone to my brother. But if you guys are going to hold onto this all trip and make me feel unwanted and unloved, please let me know now so I can just avoid all of you and enjoy a vacation by myself.'"
"Then, OP, follow their lead. If they have jerky responses, say, 'Got it.' Do the rest of the trip by yourself. If they walk into a room, leave. Have your meals at different times and different places from them. Sign up to do fun things. Don't just be treated badly." - crystallz2000
Others didn't like the entitlement and victim mentality expressed by the OP's family.
"If it was important to him he should have paid for an upgraded seat instead of whining like he's some sort of victim."
"My husband traveled for work internationally, frequently, for years. He was a member of several 'red carpet' like clubs. He got offered upgrades all the time to reward loyalty. When we traveled together, that loyalty was not transferable unless he covered my travel on his airline cards."
"Tell your family to get over it as your brother wouldn't have been next in line to get the upgrade."
"NTA. I hate victim mentality." - Alert-Cranberry-5972
"Not to mention, the brother tried to claim some sort of moral superiority by not 'asking' for the seat, but then he turns around and has no problem complaining and turning the whole family against the OP? That's definitely worse. Your family has some interesting priorities, OP. NTA." - Suzibrooke
"My uncle is six-foot-eleven. He started paying for the upgrade because buying two seats wasn't a guarantee he would end up with two seats when he tried to sit in coach when he and my aunt (six-foot-one) were just starting out."
"OP's brother didn't just get to be six-foot-six overnight. He's had plenty of time to adjust to how he fits in the world. He wasn't uncomfortable with the situation until he realized his sibling got something he didn't."
"And the rest of the family needs to stop encouraging his childish behavior." - Elenakalis
"The family is saying OP should have given the seat to the brother because that's what family does... Then how about the entitled brother as well as the rest of them AHs show some love and happiness for OP since they are family and they got to have a first-class seat because of all the hard work they do?" - ZameenPeAasma
"One time, I flew to Japan with my family. My parents booked their flights and my sibling's, and I booked mine. They all got bumped to first class while I sat alone in economy. They even did a dance when they were leaving me behind!"
"Life is way too short to get butthurt about what seats you get."
"Flying to a vacation is an incredible privilege that the vast majority of people in the world will never experience. Boohoo!" - SalamanderCrazy1871
After receiving feedback, the OP felt validated.
"Wow, this totally blew up. Thank you for commenting, everyone. I only saw my family for a little bit yesterday, and they were still mad at me to varying degrees."
"I have a really good friend who lives here in the military, so she hung out with me instead, and we met some really fun and cute guys at a dive bar. So my vacation will be great no matter what."
"But reading your comments really gave me to confidence not to give a crap (or try not to, at least!) about what happened and still enjoy my trip, so thank you."
The subReddit couldn't help but shake their heads at this situation and what the OP's family chose to fixate on during (checks notes) their luxury family vacation to celebrate a successful retirement.
Because the OP was working hard, clearly following in their father's footsteps, and being rewarded for it by receiving upgrades, it seems like the family should be happy for the success continuing rather than complaining about who is more deserving.
Here's to hoping the OP made many fun new memories on the trip, with or without their family's help.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp