Redditor UnlikelyAd5151 has a complicated relationship with his mother.
Like many teens, he said some things that later in life might feel regrettable but are par for the course for someone dealing with raging hormones and ever-changing school dynamics.
Some of the most hurtful things were aimed at his mom who eventually snapped and dropped him off to live nearly full-time with his father.
This abandonment caused the Original Poster (OP) to develop lots of resentment. This resentment recently came to a breaking point at his mom’s engagement party.
The OP had an outburst that got him banned from the wedding and drove him to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
He asked:
“AITA for ‘ruining’ my mum’s engagement party after she abandoned me when I was 11?”
He went on to explain:
“I [17-year-old Male] have a strained relationship with my mum [35-year-old Female] after an incident that happened about six years ago.”
“My mum was super strict and a helicopter parent, so we fought a lot over my grades and the trouble I got into at school.”
“She had essentially abandoned me, signing over custody to my dad after I had told her something along the lines of ‘I hate you’ and ‘I wish I lived with dad’…
“…typical things an angsty preteen says to their parent. But that fight seemed to have broke her and she cried before dropping me off at my dad’s apartment.”
“I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal and I would just see her the next day after she proved her point, but she left me there.”
“After that, things got essentially worse for me. My grades dropped and I kept getting into trouble at school, almost to the point where I was kicked out.”
“My dad never had job security so money was tight. His gf also wasn’t fond of me, saying I was ‘dumped’ on them. I wanted to go back to live with my mum.”
“I thought to apologise, but my mum had essentially moved on with her life. She went back to college to get her degree and was always studying, and later on was focused on her new work.”
“On the weekends I would get to see her, things were tense between us.”
“She tried so hard to be the ‘fun’ parent, eating takeout and leaving me to do what I wanted, but it was so unlike her, and we became more estranged.”
“Three years ago, she started dating Paul [39-year-old Male], a widower with two daughters [9-year-old Female and 13-year-old Female].”
“She started treating his daughters like they were her own and they started calling her ‘mummy’, which irritated me.”
“Eventually they moved into my mum’s house and changed my childhood bedroom into one of the daughter’s room.”
“I was livid when I found out, saying some mean things about the girls, and refused to go back there for my mum’s weekends, but she was confused on why was acting this way.”
“Because of this fight, she thought I wouldn’t be attending the engagement party when she announced her and Paul would be getting married.”
“Besides, she didn’t want there to ruin the perfect picture of her new family. So I made it a point to go for the party, and called her out on her behaviour.”
“I wanted to confront her and tell her she wouldn’t have to bother with me after I go off to college, but I may have taken it a tad too far.”
“Everyone kept talking about how Paul’s daughters were like her children and how it would be when she had more kids and it snapped something in me.”
“I called her a horrible parent and told her she was trying to replace me with ‘the little brats’ after she had abandoned me, along with some other insults I don’t really remember.”
“Paul kicked me and my dad out, saying I was an a**hole for making his fiancée and girls cry, and ruining the engagement party.”
“He said I won’t be allowed to the wedding unless I called and apologized.”
“I may have taken it a bit too far but my dad agrees she had it coming after abandoned a young child at an age when I needed my mother.”
“So AITA and should I apologise?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“This is above the pay grade of this sub. You are a child and she is an adult and your mother. She needs to do the emotional work of creating the conditions for your reconciliation.”
“If she can’t you need to focus on your own growth and figuring out how to establish yourself in life. It doesn’t sound like she’s going to be coming through on that so you are on your own.”
“That is of far bigger significance than whether you are ‘the a**hole’ or not.”
“Take care of yourself.”
“NTA” – neogeshel
“Someone already said this is above this sub’s pay grade. It is very obvious that you have some deep emotional issues towards your mom and you feel abandoned.”
“Ultimately she is the parent and she has to take the majority of the responsibility for the way your relationship has turned out.”
“But quite frankly, I think you need to really take a look the role you played in this as well.”
“You acknowledged that you hurt her feelings when you told her you hated her. You just assumed you see her later.”
“Did you apologize to her? You said she tried to do fun things with you on the weekends but you also said you didn’t like that either.”
“At not point do you actually say you apologized to her at all. Instead it seems like your behavior escalated and you continued to lash out.”
“Your mom could have possibly tried harder but it seems like she is d*mned if she does, and d*mned if she didn’t.”
“You have made your feelings of hurt and resentment and abandonment very clear in this post.”
“At what point do you acknowledge that your mom is also a person with feelings and that you may have continuously, without apology, hurt her too?”
“Not sure if I want to call you an AH, but I don’t want to call your mom one either.”
“NAH??” – heyitsta12
“Hi child of divorced parents here. From the bottom of my heart, YTA. Trying to help your child and being strict with them after they get bad grades and get in trouble at school is normal.”
“You didn’t like the consequences of your actions so you lashed out. And you got exactly what you wanted.”
“She was too strict and helicoptering? You hated it.”
“She was the chill weekend parent? You hated it.”
“Didn’t want to live with her? Got what you wanted.”
“Deal with your actions and stop blaming her for them and please please either apologize and change your tune or leave that woman and her family alone.”
“Edit: Lol seriously someone reported this response as me needing mental health / crisis line support to reddit. Because I have divorced parents…….” – silvershadow545
“You say that she was a helicopter parent. Your definition for this is that she would check your homework to see if it’s done/right, make sure you pay attention in class…”
“…that you went to bed on time and ate healthy food, and limited your internet access.”
“Mind you, all of this is what we call good parenting. Not helicopter parenting.”
“You started acting out, grades dropping, getting into trouble, all at age 10-11.”
“Which is honestly young, not even a preteen bothered by raging hormones, to be acting out so much that it caused issues with your mom.”
“Then you say there was ‘one incident’, where you yelled and insulted her and demanded you want to stay with your dad.”
“To which she obviously had a breakdown, shut down mentally and let you go live with your dad.”
“People don’t breakdown and shutdown over one incident. A parent, who by your description was loving and attentive, doesn’t do a complete switch from one incident.”
“Which is why I do not believe you this was one incident.”
“I believe this was a pattern of toxic behaviour you never worked on, growing worse, which is obvious from how you tore in like a raging bull into the engagement party.”
“I never ever in my life ever told my parent I hated them. Not even during my teen angst phase. Not even when I had bad grades and was grounded. So no, that’s not a normal thing to do, either.”
“She broke down and decided to let you have what you wanted, a life with your dad. You say ‘I was just a stupid kid I didn’t mean it’ well unfortunately, we can’t take some stuff back.”
“You even admit that you never apologised for saying all those horrible things you said to her.”
“You had all the time in the world to reflect on the venom you told her and say ‘mom I’m so sorry I didn’t mean the words I said.'”
“On a side note, very interesting how you say your mom abandoned you, but you don’t act like your dad did.”
“I mean, she now had the same custody your dad had before, yet he never abandoned you? He was the weekend dad before.”
“Why is your dad allowed to have a long-term partner, but not mom, too?” – corvidfamiliar
The OP needs to seek out guidance from someone much more qualified than this subReddit.