Blending a family isn’t always easy.
It can be a wonderful experience when parents who have biological children also take in and adopt foster children.
There are so many children in need of a stable home.
But that blending process is fragile for many.
How do parents give enough to everybody?
Redditor wildlayabout wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for demanding my parents not include my adopted siblings when we go out to dinner for my birthday?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Five years ago, my (15 M[ale]) parents adopted two of my siblings.”
“I’ll call them Cassandra (17 F[emale]) and Layla (15 F).”
“Two years ago, Luku (2 M) (their biological younger brother, absolute light of my life, best boy) was born and surrendered, so he was placed with us too.”
“Since they were adopted as preteens, a major priority for my parents was bonding with them two-on-three.”
“And they go to a lot of bonding things.”
“They’re constantly bouncing between adoption therapy, family therapy (which feels weird because I’m also part of the family?”
“I’m only included once in a while, usually to be told I need to be less of a show-off), and every single bonding thing they can find.”
“They also take them out after individual therapy, which I 100% support and would never admit to being jealous of I[n] R[eal] L[ife] but… *God* I’m jealous of it.”
“I know it’s not the same, but I had six bouts over the summer and it was a miracle that they attended two.”
“Which did not include the last fight or the Family Day.”
“At least come for the catharsis of seeing me get whacked with a sword!”
“Sometimes circumstances demand that I’m there – and I moved my schedule to make this happen more often.”
“At first they let me hang to the side, but then they asked that I step back so I’m not engaging with whatever it is they’re doing with my sisters because the bonding activities are supposed to be for them.”
“Last night, I told my parents that I wanted them to do things with me, alone.”
“That they were wildly favoring my siblings over me, and I wanted to have dinner on my birthday with only them.”
“They didn’t take it well and threatened to send me to therapy.”
“We ate in silence for a few minutes.”
“I tried to tell them I won the season-long bracket, and they emphasized how much it was not a time to be bragging or doing anything except apologizing.”
“They said my siblings are traumatized and in need of more support.”
“They also accused me of believing my siblings aren’t ‘real’ just because I wanted to have some time with my parents where it wasn’t about my siblings.”
“After dinner, Layla said she thought it was a good idea, and suggested we go out as a family but paying attention to me in particular for the whole week.”
“That sounds incredibly embarrassing but amazing – I’d adore that, especially since I want to hang out with my sisters more anyway.”
“Cassandra, though, pulled me aside and said that I have always been a spoiled a**hole, but that this was like a healthy man demanding stitches from a poorly stocked first aid kit because everyone else had them and he wanted to ‘feel special.'”
“She said I should take a step back and realize that that was an awful thing to ask.”
“I’m split between wanting to run away so my family doesn’t have to deal with me and sinking into the comfort of self-pity.”
“I just want my own parents – or my own siblings or somebody – to genuinely care about how I feel or be glad when I do something well.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA… trauma healing is not a poorly stocked first aid kit where supplies only go to those most in need.”
“Requesting 1 b-day dinner with only your parents so you guys can chat is not a rude thing to ask (it’s not like you were expecting every week or something, just 1 meal out of the whole year).”
“You are allowed to feel ignored and want to be acknowledged at least sometimes.”
“I mean, they’re also allowed to say no they can’t make it happen (since they would be footing the bill I assume), but I don’t get that whole ‘apologize for having feelings and needs’ reaction.”
“Maybe take them up on the offer to go to therapy and tell your therapist you feel ignored and that you feel that your emotional needs for validation aren’t being met.”
“They could likely offer you quality advice about how to handle the situation, give you advice on things like what to say and how to tell your parents.”
“Therapists can be an amazing resource to talk to about how to navigate social situations and how to effectively communicate your needs to others in a healthy way.”
“Because yes your siblings have needs, but your needs and feelings matter too.”
“Everyone matters, there’s no need for the ‘trauma Olympics’ because seriously?”
“My parents were abusively neglectful and had 5 kids, but I still got ‘only me’ time with each of my parents.”
“It was rare, but like it was there.” ~ demonofsarila
“OP, you absolutely deserve some 1:1 time with your parents.”
“I get it, they are trying to make up for your sister’s horrible start in life, but at what point will they realize that during that time, they have completely ignored your needs in the process?”
“If they allow you to go to personal therapy, go.”
“Navigate this situation with a therapist.”
“Layla is amazing and has probably played second fiddle to Cassandra for quite some time.”
“Cassandra obviously wants the majority of the attention on her.”
“I’d recommend bonding with Layla if you can.”
“Do you have relatives that live nearby?”
“See if you can visit them a couple of weekends?”
“Get away from the chaos at home.”
“I’m going to assume most of your family don’t know the dynamics at home?”
“Just because you were born into a couple that is married doesn’t make you less deserving of attention, praise, and love from them.”
“Your parents clearly have some sort of savior complex going on and won’t realize how much they know about you until you’re off to college and you don’t come home for the holidays.”
“They’ll be shocked and have no idea why.”
“NTA and I hope things get better for you.” ~ RandomCoffeeThoughts
“Jumping on to add that taking them up on therapy is a great idea.”
“OP, when you said they accuse you of being a show-off, guess what?”
“Children who show off and act out are very, very often doing it to get attention (even the negative kind) because a basic attention need is not being met.”
“I use the word child not as an insult, you seem quite mature, but just to highlight that you have not reached the age of majority and are developmentally still in your childhood years, with very real attention needs that don’t sound like they are being nurtured.”
“You are reasonably and maturely asking for some time with your parents and they dismiss it.”
“Therapy might be a great way to dive into how that is affecting you, and to have a professional on your side to help you communicate that to your parents in a way that they will listen to.”
“NTA… and I’m sorry to hear your parents won’t grant your birthday request.” ~ throwaway25472
“If they’re telling him to not show off the times he goes to family therapy, I’m afraid the parents think that therapy will magically make him accept that his siblings ‘need’ more attention and that they’ll shop for therapists rather than therapy actually helping.”
“Still NTA.” ~ jayellkay84
“NTA and I second this OP.”
“If you’re feeling this isolated and neglected you should tell your parents that you absolutely do need therapy.”
“And if you are considering running away then therapy is absolutely needed and the therapist may be able to explain that they can’t neglect you and raise you so much emotional harm in the name of helping and supporting your siblings, they are failing you as parents.” ~ Fuzzy-Significance94
“NTA – your parents have a responsibility to care for the emotional needs of all of their children.”
“They are failing at that and in doing so driving a wedge between you and your siblings.”
“It happens in many kinds of families, even with all biological children, and it is a terrible situation to be in.”
“The best I can say is to assume best intentions, that your parents are doing their best, often that just isn’t enough and causes problems.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA. I also have adopted siblings and grew up feeling like my parents were harder on me because I was not adopted.”
“You need to have a therapy session with just your parents so you can express your feelings more clearly.”
“It sounds like your parents refuse to acknowledge that they put your needs on a backburner, and you never have one-on-one time with them with all of their therapy appointments.”
“Your feelings are valid, but I wouldn’t blame the kids.”
“It is all your parent’s fault for allowing the situation to get this bad.”
“If your parents aren’t receptive, reach out to a counselor or trusted adult.”
“Your emotional needs are not being met.”
“Trying to talk to your parents about what’s going on in your life is not ‘showing off.'” ~ Nyankitty666
“NTA. It does sound like your parents are prioritizing your adopted siblings, perhaps believing that, since you are their biological child, you don’t need as much attention.”
“This is a mistake on their part.”
“Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like they are receptive to criticism.”
“Your best bet is to stick it out for the next few years and hope they realize how their behavior is hurting you.”
“However, in the event that they don’t, you need to be ready to move on and make a life for yourself that isn’t dependent upon them.”
“Find your own happiness.” ~ FyvLeisure
“Totally NTA OP.”
“And to add to the therapy talk ask them to take you out after individual therapy.”
“It would be interesting to see if they take OP like they do the girls.”
“I hate parents who adopt kids and shower them with attention but neglect their bio kids.” ~ SwimChemical345
“Take them up on that ‘threat’ to go to therapy.”
“It actually may be the kindest thing they’ve offered for you, and maybe your therapist can help you get the attention you deserve. NTA.” ~ Major_Barnacle_2212
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
This would be an emotional situation at any age.
You have every right to feel how you feel.
Maybe you should reach out to other family members or a teacher and they can help you talk to your parents.
Until then, try to stay strong and have a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!