Teen Redditor Snowtime_foxy is gaining a stepmother soon.
The Original Poster (OP) typically sports a Gothic look in terms of makeup and clothing, but on the wedding day she has been asked to tone down the makeup.
This took the OP by surprise because her parents are typically super supportive of her look.
Her confusion led the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for wanting to wear my Gothic makeup at my step-mother's wedding?"
She went on to explain:
"I [Female age 15] am going to my parents [Female age 36, Male age 35] wedding in a couple of months."
"My father brought up to me that I can't wear my full-face goth makeup."
"I understand that it's her wedding day and she wants things a specific way, but I don't understand why I can't wear my makeup."
"My dad says it how she wants it to be for the pictures and such, and that it's a 'respect' thing. I should mention that they are very accepting of how I dress/present."
"Which is why I was confused when he said that she didn't want me to wear my makeup. I'm not trying to get attention - that's not my intention."
"I feel comfortable with how I dress and feel 'at home' with my makeup. So I sort of feel like they're restricting that for some pictures at the wedding."
"But I could be wrong, AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"Gentle YTA. You said they respect you other times re makeup, so why can't you respect her wish to have you tone it down for the wedding? It's only a few hours out of one day." - stroppo
"YTA. As you go through life, you'll find that expressing your personal style will have its limits. This is one of them, and it most certainly won't be the last."
"Your parents, who have been very accepting of you, are making a simple request of you for one day." - TemptingPenguin369
"I gotta tell you, seeing a 15 year old ask for input this way and then receive it and reach compromise is insanely promising."
"You're showing really mature behavior and conflict resolution. I'm really impressed. You're light years ahead of many mid 30s adults I know." - TheFishermansWife22
"Soft YTA."
"As long as they're not controlling all the time, it would be really nice if you could agree to wear a more subtle makeup look for the wedding. You can do it your way all the rest of the time."
"When something is going to live in photos forever, sometimes people just want it to be more timeless than a certain makeup or hair trend."
"You may think right now that this is your style forever but as you get older, you may prefer different looks."
"It's nice to have family photos where hair/makeup isn't a hugely prominent feature." - SelfImportantCat
"Ywbta. Someone could wear white everyday as that's their thing and what makes them feel comfortable and at their best, but you don't wear white to a wedding. Same concept."
"You love your look and that's great! And you say they support you looking like that everyday. Also great!"
"But this is a formal event and they want you to tone down the look for one event, one day. I think you can do it."
"There are plenty of goth looking makeup styles that are toned down to be appropriate."
"Looking back on wedding photos you want the eye to go to the bride- I think its fair they don't want your full face makeup to be thing that pulls attention."
"So look for makeup styles you like that are toned down for the occasion. Make it fun looking at new styles/techniques!" - cocopuffscocopuffs
"YTA. There is a time and a place for certain types of expressions. A wedding is typically not the place for your full goth makeup."
"Think and look at pictures like the one below. It's not just about you, and whether it's your intention or not, you're going to take attention away from the bride."
"https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/goth-beach-kid/" - keesouth
"I say this as an elder goth, gentle yta."
"Wearing a full face of what I assume would be tradgoth makeup, since you mention white foundation, is inappropriate for a traditional wedding."
"I was the goth kid once too, going to weddings, but I would tone down my appearance to match the event, because the wedding isn't about me, it's about the newlyweds."
"Cat eyeliner and darker lipstick was as far as I'd go usually." - corvidfamiliar
"Depends on the degree. In a more formal setting, I would say you can get away with your eyeliner and lipstick, but to leave the white foundation out of it."
"It's one day for their wedding - I'm sure you can find a compromise." - MorporkianDisc
"YTA. Ain't nobody wanna see pictures of you with full goth makeup for their wedding pictures. Once you grow out of that phase you'll cringe at your past self."
"Edit: Glad ya'll came to a healthy resolution!" - Irdgafbra
"YTA"
"Trust me, You really don't want you parents wedding pictures to be a lasting testament to your blunderyears" - TheRacoonist
"YWBTAH, I understand your thinking, but weddings are generally big, expensive events. Even the photographs are expensive."
"Whether you intend it or not, you will garner attention and stand out from the rest of the attendees."
"Yes it's restricting, but it's just one day. If it's any consolation you won't be alone in wearing (or not wearing) something that makes you uncomfortable." - WhyCommentQueasy
"Hey @op. It's takes a lot of strength to admit you were wrong. It's a commendable trait."
"It's one night :p you can rock the Goth thing every day after and if you get hitched, you can Goth the f out of your wedding. high five" - Syndicofberyl
"YTA"
"There's a lot of dress rules for weddings. You can't wear white, you can't wear a t-shirt and shorts, and you probably shouldn't do your full face in kiss makeup..."
"...that's going to take attention off of the bride." - Laniekea
"Of course you can wear your makeup on the wedding day! Just not at the wedding."
"YTA if you can't understand the idea of nuance, accommodation, and compromise. It's their wedding, not yours."
"If you don't think you can tone down your intensity for a few hours, don't be surprised when they invite you to stay home for the wedding." - baka-tari
"YTA, it is ONE day and yes you can not wear full goth make up for one day. If nothing else tone down the eye make up to more neutral look or not so heavy handed."
"I am all for expression of oneself but certain events warrants certain looks. And a wedding which is not yours is one of them." - plaid_8241
"Like many others here a light YTA. Not for being you but for being unwilling to compromise for a single day."
"If the makeup is something that makes you feel comfortable in a public setting then maybe sit down with your mom and dad and go over looks that WOULD be acceptable for their day."
"Do a look you're all comfortable with and involve them in the discussion. Show them you want to work with them and explain to them how the makeup makes you feel."
"I would also consider who else is going to the wedding and if your full makeup would take attention away from the couple."
"Accepting as people may be a full-on goth look at a wedding WILL inspire whispers and talk (especially from the older people in attendance)..."
"...and the couple are likely aware of that and would prefer to to not have the focus be on the look of one attendee." - Tiny_Economist2732
"Not really an AH, but yeah, leave the foundation and stuff at home."
"My gf and I are goths and have been since high school. The older you get the more you realize the make up is a situational thing."
"If your parents are being cool with you dressing like that, but cool with the few times they ask you not to." - OverthinkingThrowway
"YTA"
"Try alternative goth makeup. Have you tried using earth tones in combination with the black eyeliner?"
"If you use earth tones lipstick and use an earth/espresso tone you can actually come off as quite professional looking without taking attention from the bride."
"Earth tone eye shadow can also make a statement without making you stick out too much."
"Try checking out corporate goth style. It sounds like it's exactly what you're looking for." - LongjumpingEmu6094
The OP went on to add:
"EDIT: I realize that I am the a**hole."
"I was a bit self-centered with what I wanted, but I talked with my step-mom, and she said no white foundation, and we could find a look that we both like that I could do."
"It's not my day. And there's a time and place for things. Thank you for your guys' input :)"
Lots of maturity displayed by this 15-year-old!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp