Content Warning: Cheating, Potential Sexual Assault, Potential Grooming
Many of us who have dated before know the heartbreaking experience of being cheated on by the person we’ve given our hearts to.
But the situation is infinitely more heartbreaking and creepy when our family is in some way involved in the matter, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ClaraZert was shocked when she walked in on her teen boyfriend in bed with her biological mother, leading her to cut ties with both of them immediately.
But when her grandparents criticized her, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she somehow overreacted.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for going no contact with my mom after she had sex with my boyfriend?”
The OP’s mom had been persistent about her trying to date her boyfriend.
“He (18 Male) is my (18 Female) ex now, obviously, but we were together when he cheated on me with her (42 Female).”
“This hurts even more because she was the one who encouraged me to ask him out.”
“He and I have been best friends since we were 13. When we were 16, she told me to stop being afraid and pursue him.”
That made the OP’s discovery all the more horrifying.
“I found out about their affair last week when I came home much earlier than I was expected (my professor was sick and canceled the day’s lecture). I caught them red-handed.”
“Mom tried to apologize and said that she ‘just wanted to feel young again.’”
“I left for my dad’s house (they’re divorced) and still blocked her anyway.”
The family was against the OP’s reaction.
“Now my grandparents are telling me I’m going too far and that because she put a roof over my head and food in my mouth, I shouldn’t cut her off entirely.”
“They think I should go home and eventually forgive her.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that no contact was the way to go.
“NTA. Wow, there are a few things that are unforgivable, and this is one of them.” – rafster929
“NTA. It also sounds possible that she is a sexual predator. She knew him since he was 13 (I think you said) and is the one that told you to pursue him?”
“I’m not sure if contacting the police is warranted or not.”
“Either way, she betrayed you worse than probably anyone else ever has. More than anyone ever should, and she is your mother. I would say she’s dead to me and mean it.”
“I would never see or contact again, except for one last time. That being when I notify her that I had her name removed from my birth certificate or some other legal deceleration that she is no longer my mother.” – Reddit
“Awful betrayal. Forgive when you feel it. As young as you are it is shameful those you love would do this to you. Very important you hold onto your self-respect. You will know when you feel forgiveness.”
“Do not let anyone bully you into accepting the injustice of it. My suspicion is your mom is self-absorbed and doesn’t understand how badly she has wounded you; otherwise, how could she ever look you in the eye, spewing that lame excuse?”
“I know the hole in your soul hurts. Forgiveness will come when a genuine apology arrives or, sadly, when you are ready to let go and move on with your life. Please stay strong. The truth is the most powerful thing in our world.” – Grendel26
“Oh my goodness, sweetheart, I can’t even imagine how hurt your little heart must be; it’s one thing to be cheated on, but for something like that to happen is really a good punch.”
“It would be a very long time before she got anything from me; she would need to get some help therapy, something because something is obviously going on in her mental health for her to even think that that’s appropriate on any kind of level.”
“Keep your head up, sweetheart, and don’t allow other people to make your opinions for you and sweetheart you dodged a bullet.” – Expensive-Two-4202
“Ewww, your mum is disgusting, and so is your boyfriend. You are NTA here. If your boyfriend can cheat on you with your mum, he will do it again (once a cheater, always a cheater). As for your mum, what she did is unacceptable.”
“Continue living with your dad, and don’t let your mum get away with normalizing this horrible behavior. As for your boyfriend, you deserve better and should never take him back.” – Kangaroo-Pack-3727
Others were disgusted with the mother’s behavior and encouraged to press the issue.
“It sounds like your mom planned to seduce him when he was 13. She groomed him and used you to lure him into her home and get his trust.”
“This was pathological, planned for a long time, and just disgusting.”
“No mother could betray her own child like this. No decent person could sexually abuse a young person like this. Burn that bridge. Don’t look back. Don’t ever let her meet any future children you might have. Find out if anything happened before he turned 18 and inform the police.” – Goofy_Bread
“To him, that was his friend turned girlfriend’s mom, who was an adult he trusted. Who knows how long she had given him subtle and inappropriate signs? I’d bet the only reason she told her daughter to pursue him was because it meant he would be around their house more so she could groom him.” – thevoidthoughts
“Stay with your dad. Find out from your ex how long it’s been going on. Try to do it through text or email so there is proof. If it started before he was 18, report her to the police.”
“And you have every right to go no contact. She is required by law to house and feed you. You are 18, and you are not obligated to her. I am so sorry you have to go through this.” – Artistic_Sweetums
“‘A roof over your head and food in your mouth is nullified by free use of your boyfriend without asking.’ – Your grandparents, probably.”
“I’d completely cut off that entire side of the family, anyone who is supporting your ex-mom’s behavior. Who knows what behavior they’d excuse that would be directly used against you.” – firstWithMost
Some also encouraged the OP to distance herself from her maternal grandparents, as well.
“Heck no, you’re NTA. She literally had sex with your boyfriend, and you saw it. Why would you forgive that? How is she supposed to make up for that?”
“Putting a roof over your head does not give her a pass on something like that, and your grandparents should be cursing her out and calling her a wh**e because that’s what she is. I would be asking your grandparents how they can condone forgiving their own daughter for having sex with their granddaughter’s boyfriend in front of her.”
“What mother could even remotely consider having sex with her daughter’s 18-year-old boyfriend? Were you in a sexual relationship with him, too? If so, that’s even worse for both her and him. I’m sorry, your mom, of all people, failed you so badly.” – Fun_Diver_3885
“Best just live with your dad, and go no contact with your mom or grey rock her if no contact is not possible. Actions have consequences. She could have slept with any other man; instead, she intentionally broke your heart. She deserves it.” – Love-Unusual
“My sons are 27, 22, and 18. I have never felt the need to have sex with any of their friends. Your mom is an absolute AH, and anyone trying to manipulate you into forgiveness is also an AH.”
“Keep living with your dad. Don’t let her normalize or rug sweep this behavior.”
“Also, children don’t owe their parents for ‘putting a roof over their heads or food in their mouths.’ That is a parent’s JOB. That is a base-level requirement of being a parent. It’s not a tab they run for 18 years that you have to pay back.” – chickenfightyourmom
“Your grandparents are saying you went too far? YOU went too far?? I think your mom is the one who went too far.” – EveryOutside
“The only thing you owe your parents for putting a roof over your head and food in your stomach is to live a happy life. That’s what my parents always said, anyway.” – TangledUpPuppeteer
The OP came back with an update.
“Thanks, everyone. I am staying with my dad and will be asking my ex how long he has been intimate with her, to see if she has groomed him.”
“Some advised that I ask my dad if she ever cheated on him, which I may also ask at some point.”
Everyone walked away from this conversation with their skin crawling, and they completely understood why the OP wanted to create permanent distance between herself and her ex-mother.
It might be worth reaching out to the ex-boyfriend to make sure that more handled happened over the years behind the scenes (shudder) and perhaps to get his parents involved so that they could take the weight off of the OP in a more detailed investigation.
But in the OP’s personal life, it made total sense for her to want to walk away.
If you or someone you know experienced sexual assault, help is out there.
You can reach the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline by calling 1-800-656-4673, use their Live Chat tool: https://www.rainn.org/get-help, or visit the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s website.
In Canada, help is available through the Ending Violence Association of Canada website.
International resources can be found through the Rape Crisis Network Europe website.