Parentification is getting more notice in the wake of reality TV shows featuring large families where the older siblings take on the parenting role for their younger siblings.
Parentification—also referred to as parent-child role reversal—is when a child is expected to take on responsibilities that are usually reserved for adults, such as providing emotional or practical support for a parent.
This can include tasks like caring for siblings, cooking, grocery shopping, or helping with problems between family members.
A tenager who feels that pressure from his parents turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Any_Swordfish9605 asked:
“AITA for embarrassing my parents in family therapy?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m (15, male) in family therapy with my parents and my sisters Alisha (13, female) and Kayleigh (12, female). Therapy is pretty new and not going so well.”
“They wanted me to change my reactions, to do the stuff they want and they figured us doing family therapy with my sisters would make me too ashamed to be fully honest in front of them.”
“They wanted me to spare my sisters feelings by holding back. And changing to be who they want me to be.”
“We’re not a close family, we have a lot of issues and I know we have extra stresses because Alisha has a lot of complex medical issues and she can’t do everything Kayleigh and I can.”
“She needs a wheelchair sometimes, she’s on lots of meds, but she can be fine sometimes too and can enjoy life. But she has limitations we don’t.”
“And my parents make me feel like they want me to be another adult and not one of their kids.”
“They don’t like me spending time with friends. They say I could be home, helping, taking care of my sisters or doing stuff at home for them.”
“When I do go they can make me take one or both sisters. Get angry if Alisha can’t join.”
“If I’m forced to take one of my sisters, or both, I can’t have fun. I get stuck making sure they’re okay.”
“Even birthday parties—like at places and not kid parties anymore—I can be forced to bring them when they’re not invited and I get to watch them have fun. If I have fun at something and my sisters don’t, then I get in trouble.”
“Happened during our last field trips. I had a great time, Alisha had to leave early because she was sick, Kayleigh had such a bad time.”
“I told Grandpa I had a great time, and my parents berated me for it. While Kayleigh got to talk about how fun my best friend’s birthday at the trampoline park was.”
“And she didn’t get into trouble for Alisha being jealous and missing out like I would.”
“I got berated for not having fun though. For acting spoiled that I didn’t have a good time.”
“They get mad that I don’t buy my sister’s birthday and Christmas gifts. They get mad that I get gifts from my best friend’s parents.”
“They get mad that I get invited to my best friend’s family events as a friend for him to hang out with and it’s made clear my sisters aren’t invited even if it’s something they ‘could be included in’.”
“My parents get annoyed when I confide in Grandpa. But they also get annoyed if I tell them how they make me feel.”
“Grandpa supports me as much as he can. I can’t live with him. But he tries to be there for me and to make up for my parents. He has tried advocating for me before too.”
“Alisha hates being left out, which I get. But I’m the only one my parents get angry with for it.”
“Now we’re in family therapy. My parents are using it to talk about how awful I am.”
“They say I’m making life harder for everyone. They didn’t expect me to say how things really are.”
“But I did.”
“After my parents said I act like a 5-year-old who doesn’t like being the center of attention, I brought up in therapy how they treat me and how I feel like they take their frustration about Alisha requiring so much care out on me, how I’m held to a higher standard and they want me to be an adult and not a kid.”
“I said they can’t stand me having fun without my sisters or seeing me being the only one having fun, but almost like it when I’m the one not having fun.”
“The therapist didn’t actually get to react because we ran out of time by the time my parents finished and I finished. She did say it would be addressed at our next session.”
“My parents got so pissed at me after the session and accused me of embarrassing them. I told them they just didn’t want me to speak so openly in front of my sisters, which is why they included them.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I talked about things my parents did in family therapy they didn’t want me to bring up, or that’s how I see it. I did it anyway and did it in front of my sisters despite how it might make them feel.”
“I knew my parents wouldn’t like it. I knew they might feel called out and embarrassed, but I did it anyway, and it might make me the a**hole because I know none of us have it really easy.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Your parents are toxic. You deserve a childhood, too. All of you children do, but it shouldn’t depend on the others.”
“NTA. I would ask your grandfather if he would take you in or help you leave once you are an adult.” ~ lmmontes
“NTA. The only way therapy works is if everybody tells the truth. You told the truth. Just because they don’t like the truth doesn’t mean it’s not true, and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak the truth.”
“If they’re ashamed or embarrassed, that’s on them. They chose to have three children.”
“They shouldn’t be pushing off the care of your siblings on you. They are not your kids, and their care isn’t your responsibility.” ~ Vandreeson
“Therapist here. A lot of people start couples’/family therapy because they want the therapist to help them bully the other person or people into admitting fault and deferring to them.”
“While it’s true that admitting fault is a desirable part of the process, there should be more than one person accepting responsibility for their role in the problem. There is a dynamic involved in family processes and a dynamic always involves more than one person.”
“If your parents aren’t ready to embrace these concepts, they are unlikely to continue with the therapy tbh. Without everyone being honest about their feelings and perceptions, it’s not going to help.”
“Continue being direct with them. It’s supposed to be a safe place to share your experiences without fear of retribution. NTA.” ~ Paranoid-Android-77
“OP is NTA. Keep being honest in therapy, with your grandpa and with your friend’s parents. Get support where you can and make a plan to move out as soon as you are able.”
“You are not responsible for your sisters’ happiness. You cannot fix your parents. But you can be strong for yourself.” ~ Organic-Meeting734
“NTA. If your parents didn’t want you to share the truth of how your family relationship functions…. then why did they opt to do family therapy?”
“If they didn’t want to be embarrassed by having their behavior outed, then they shouldn’t have behaved that way.
“I’m glad you told the truth—your parents are parentifying you and holding you to an unfair standard that limits your own growth. I hope that the therapist has your back.” ~ fallingintopolkadots
“The whole point of therapy is to be honest, and it sounds like they should be embarrassed. NTA.” ~ procrastinating_b
“NTA. If your parents don’t want to be embarrassed in therapy, perhaps they should be better parents.”
“Therapy is pointless without honesty; they’re just mad because you held a mirror up to them, and they didn’t like what they saw. That is not your fault.”
“I hope that they listen to the therapist and become better parents, but that’s not in your control. All you can control is how you choose to be, how you act on your feelings, and your own choices.”
“Make plans for when you will turn 18. Maybe talk to your grandpa about setting up your exit strategy—where you’re going to go, school, work, living arrangements, and then on your 18th birthday, get out of there.”
“Having a plan will make the next few years pass more tolerably. Make your goals, stick to them, never look back.” ~ savinathewhite
“NTA—you are absolutely right that they are using you as a crutch, and it isn’t your job to babysit your siblings. You are not their parent and it is not fair for them to expect you to be.”
“They are projecting their feelings of guilt and shame about their own parenting onto you. You are not the bad guy.” ~ lilygripzfree
“Asking you to take your sibling to a party only you are invited to is so wrong. I’m sure a lot of the parents of the party giver are not too thrilled either.”
“It is such a jerk move and very bad manners. And you should be allowed to spend time with friends.”
“That’s part of being young, and your parents are denying you that. I hope the therapist sets them straight. Your parents are definitely the a**holes.” ~ tuffyowner
As many pointed out, therapy is only effective when patients are honest. Hopefully, the OP will get the support they need.