It's in our nature to think the best of our friends and loved ones, but sometimes even they surprise us. We're all human, after all.
But what are we supposed to do when someone we love does something wildly inappropriate and then acts as if nothing happened?
Redditor "throwRA_badbadcommen" is currently dealing with this question, as the OP's (Original Poster's) girlfriend made a completely inappropriate comment about a little girl with Down's Syndrome.
The OP shared her story on the "Relationship Advice" subReddit, wondering what she should do now that her girlfriend is being nonchalant about what she said.
The OP asked the subReddit:
"My girlfriend made a disturbing comment about someone with Down's syndrome and then acted like nothing happened. How do I continue?"
While working together one day, the OP was confused by a request.
"My girlfriend (both of us 17[Female]) and I work together. Today, a little girl came up to order. She had Down's syndrome. She asked for what sounded like 'warge buttsy' and we couldn't understand what she wanted."
"Eventually her mom came over and said she wanted a large Pepsi. She apologized profusely and said her daughter really wanted to order for herself but sometimes she was hard to understand. I told her I completely understood and told her not to worry. She actually came back a couple minutes later to apologize again but I reassured her that it was totally fine."
Though everything came out fine, the OP's girlfriend surprised her with an unnecessary comment.
"After the little girl and her mom walked away, my girlfriend told me 'that's what happens when you f**k your sister'. I was f**king horrified. I asked her why she would say something like that and she just shrugged."
"She went on like nothing happened. I don't know what to do, I'm disgusted right now but she's acting like everything's fine. What do I say???"
Fellow Redditors wrote in to share their thoughts on the situation and what the OP should do next.
Some suggested breaking up with her, plain and simple.
"Listen you're both 17. Theres likely no future in this relationship if she lacks even that level of common courtesy for other people." - Variantr
"Seems like a lot of work when she could just break up with her and find someone that doesn't act that way." - Thiek
"You are 17. Get over her spur of the moment s**tty joke, and if she continues to make them then you don't have a comparable sense of humor. Break up and find someone who does." - Ponderoux
"Well she just showed you what kind of person she is. Believe her and then decide whether or not you'd want someone like that in your life." - slytherinxiii
"A lot of commenters are giving your girlfriend a pass due to her young age. I understand that but only to an extent. I mean, you're also 17 and you know better, right?"
"Yes, sometimes young people say something s**tty or thoughtless due to age or inexperience. However!"
"You asked her how she could say such a thing, and she (by your own words) shrugged it off. Didn't stop to ask, didn't question herself, didn't even think 'Oh maybe that was kinda s**tty [to mock and judge someone with a disability].'"
"So sure, maybe she is young and not-too-terribly experienced. But she is thoughtless and uninterested in being better at least in this instance. And since you know better, don't you think your SO should too - or at least want to be?"
"Take that for what you will." - WildlifePolicyChick
A few suggested having a conversation about it and setting some boundaries.
"Whether is was this, rudeness to a server or bartender, or some other social behavior that you can't abide, the approach is the same. Either in the moment, or later in private:"
"1. point out the behavior (cruel comment at that girl's expense)"
"2. make it clear that this isn't a behavior that is ever going to be ok with you. (Being unkind to or about someone whose disadvantage is beyond their control.)"
"3. own the fact that, while other people on the planet may not feel as strongly about the issue as you do, the fact remains that this is something YOU care about."
"4. request with resolve that it not occur in your presence again."
"Setting boundaries like this takes practice, but it is an invaluable skill as an adult. ALL romantic relationships require healthy boundaries. You can set them kindly and with love in your heart." - professorstrunk
"This is great advice! Learn to communicate openly and clearly and to set healthy boundaries now, I'm 33 and just starting to learn this and wish I had sooner! Also try to keep in mind the difference between boundaries and rules, boundaries you put on yourself (healthy), while rules are a way of trying to control others (not healthy)."
"Example:"
"Rule: You are not allowed to talk like that."
"Boundary: I'm not comfortable hearing you talk like that, please don't speak like that in my presence. If this boundary is broken, I will be forced to end this relationship/remove myself from the situation." - SaphyrePrincess
Others agreed and said the conversation needed to include some facts about Down's Syndrome.
"I was thinking this, she might actually believe that all people with down syndrome are the product of incest. I think you need to bring it up and find out what's going on and educate her before going on a war path." - Psychoanalicer
"Even if she believed what she said it was still a heartless comment."
"I can understand someone making an off color joke, but the context of this comment was particularly crude. It personalizes it to an innocent individual girl who just came up and talked to them."
"It's abhorrent." - Ebb1974
"I am not defending her behavior and I would also be offended if I heard someone saying this (especially after working for one year in a school for disabled children when I did my social service). I still want to point out that her comment was cleary very disrespectful but it was not total nonsense. Incest can increase the probability for certain birth defects but down-syndrom is not one of them." - DunklerReiter
"I would genuinely inform her that any couple, no matter their demographic, can have a child with a disability. She may have a genuine belief that incest is the only cause of down syndrome, so informing her what the ACTUAL facts on down syndrome are might help her realize what she said was extremely hurtful and misinformed."
"If she is already aware of what a gamble genetics is, then you have your answer that she is a mean-spirited person towards people with disabilities beyond their control. You can decide from there whether or not the right step to take is to set boundaries or to break up."
"Sometimes we have to help our partners learn. If they are too stubborn or have prejudices, we either need to set boundaries or decide if that person is healthy for us." - PsychadelicBandanas
No matter what the OP's girlfriend's original intentions were is kind of beside the point.
As some Redditors have pointed out, it's important for the OP to clarify their girlfriend's understanding of this subject, and then to be very clear about where she stands with regards to kindness.
It's always our responsibility to educate others when there seems to be a misunderstanding, but it's also our responsibility to ourselves to keep our beliefs and morals in line.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.