Step-parenting is no easy feat.
While effort is appreciated, accidental overstepping can trigger emotional distress.
Intentional overstepping, however, yields its own slew of pushback and resentment, especially when a step-parent tries to take the place of a deceased parent.
A Redditor's stepmom and father are furious after he refused to teach his dad's new wife how to make his late mother's beloved pie, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Mental-Pie-1146 asked:
"AITA for refusing to teach my dad's wife how to make my mom's pie?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My mom had this pie she used to make all the time."
"It was the family favorite dish."
"My siblings (7/f[emale], 6/m[ale]) and I (17/m[ale]) love it."
"After mom died two years ago I took over making it."
"Now my dad is remarried and his wife wants to learn to make the pie because she said it's a motherly thing to do, make your kids favorite meal, and she feels like I'm getting in the way of her having that experience with them."
"I refused to teach her how to make it."
"I told her I'm going to keep making it and giving it to my siblings and it's an experience where I can tell them about mom and they can ask about her."
"She told me she's going to be their mom now and deserves to have the chance to do this for them."
"I told her I don't care and I'm not teaching her."
"My dad told me I should step back and let his wife step in and take over this kind of thing and I'm the only one who knows it of the two of us."
"She tried a few times to remake it and it wasn't liked."
"She told me making something like that is a whole part of motherhood and I'm denying her."
"That I need to get out of her way of making it as my sibling's mom."
"She told me teaching her is honoring the family she wants to have."
"I'm still refusing to teach her, and I get asked more each day because I'm closer to turning 18 and moving into the house my aunt owns nearby."
"My dad and his wife are more angry now than ever."
"AITA?"
OP has offered the following explanation for why he thinks he might be the a**hole:
"I refused to teach my dad's wife how to make my mom's pie."
"It's my sibling's favorite food, and she wants to be able to make them that so she can start being their mom and doing all the mom things."
"They really love the pie."
"She really wants to learn. My dad really wants her to know it."
"So I'm possibly an AH for not when it is getting in the way and might even be a little petty to gatekeep."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. Sounds like your dad got married very quickly and without doing the work to prepare and consult with you guys to help you feel comfortable with it."
"If the pie is 'your thing' let her and your dad find another way to integrate her with the family." - Advanced-Call-6526
"NTA."
"'She told me she's going to be their mom now and deserves to have the chance to do this for them'"
"She's not their mother, and she doesn't get to make that decision." - FSUfan35
"I'd say NTA. Definitely."
"I see both points of view, and it wouldn't hurt to teach her how to prepare the pie."
"BUT… 1) she feels entitled to it."
"2) she says OP is getting in her way - come on, lady, find another recipe and turn it into YOUR special memory."
"3) from what OP says, she says preparing this pie is a big part of motherhood."
"Really? THIS very pie?"
"I think the reason here is a different one. She's trying to take over OP's mother and erase her memories from the family."
"She can exercise motherhood in her own way, doesn't have to fill in anybody's shoes in order to do so."
"But, OP, I'm wondering which would be her and your father's answer if you said just this: 'It was my mom's special dish.'"
"'If you want to make such a memorable motherhood, why does it have to be at expense of a dead woman?'"
"'Why don't you come up with some recipe that will ADD to our lives, instead of trying to take over our mom's place?'" - TopperBr77
"She can find some other way to bond with them."
"That pie can't be the only thing the kids like."
"I don't think she was an a-hole for asking. But she is definitely an a-hole for how she asked. And for forcing the issue."
"She's not respecting your mom's place in your life and sounds like she's trying to erase her."
"She should drop it and focus on finding another bonding agent."
"Your dad's an a-hole too for how he's reacting to the whole thing."
"NTA" - solo_throwaway254247
"NTA. I hate step-parents who think a deceased spouse is replaceable."
"If she wants a special meal to share with the family, she can find a recipe of her own instead of taking over your mother's pie."
"Tell her to look for brownie recipes or something." - Medysus
"NTA"
"You shouldn't teach her how to make it. It's your MOM'S dish, not the 'new wife of my dad' dish."
"If your siblings want to eat the pie, they can eat it when they are with you, and you can keep up the memory of their real mom."
"Don't let her erase the memory of her." - wicky1983
"'...that is a whole part of motherhood, and I'm denying her.'"
"There are more parts that she missed. Is she also angry that she didnt get to birth you and your siblings?"
"Maybe ask her if she wants to change your diaper, for some bonus mother/son experience?"
"NTA" - Dashqu
"NTA OP"
"I feel this is a tradition between your mom, you, and your siblings, and now that your mom is gone it's something you and your siblings should share and talk over memories of her."
"Whilst you ultimately want to see your dad happy again, I find it really out of line that your new stepmom immediately wants to insert herself into replacing your mom and start telling you how things should be done; she should be respectful and realize that you and your siblings are still grieving."
"Right now I think she's being insensitive"
"Tell your dad to grow a backbone and stand up to his wife, Because if she's already acting this way and making everything about her I suspect all of you are in for a bumpy ride" - ColdstreamCapple
"NTA. Your dad and your stepmother are seeming to misunderstand something."
"This pie that your mother made was special because it was HER recipe and because SHE made it. It was HER pie."
"Unfortunately, she can no longer be here, so you are stepping in for her and every time you make that pie, you are bringing a little bit of HER back to life."
"What your dad and stepmother don't seem to get is that the pie is special because of the person making it."
"It's special when you make it because you are your mother's child and are able to bring back a little bit of her every time you make it."
"When your stepmother makes it, it's nothing special, it's just a pie."
"She keeps saying that she wants to know how to make it because 'it's a motherly thing to do, making your family's favorite dishes,' but in this case, she isn't the right mother, so the dish is never going to be quite right."
"Unfortunately, even if you give her the recipe, it is still not going to taste the way it would if you or your mom had made it."
"For certain recipes, two people can follow the exact same instructions, use the exact same ingredients, and end up with two dishes that taste completely different."
"That is what would happen here, which would cause another issue because then your dad would be mad that no one liked the pie when she made it the exact same way you and your mom did."
"I understand that your dad was trying to get your siblings a 'new mother,' but steamrolling the memory of your actual mother is not the way to do it."
"If your stepmother is so intent on 'mothering,' then she needs to make up her own recipes that are separate from your mom's because she is never going to be able to fill your mom's shoes."
"Think of it like a little girl trying on her mother's high heels; she can try them on, but in the end, she's just playing dress up." - Icy_Cardiologist8444
"Nta"
"It took your dad two years to meet and marry a new woman after the mother of his children died."
"That's disgusting."
"That woman needs to learn her place, and so should your dad."
"I'm sorry for your loss." - Reddit user
Hopefully fellow Redditors helped OP realize he was not being selfish or difficult for wanting to preserve his mother's recipe as well as her memory.
It sounds like his stepmother has a little realization to do herself, though.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp