Step-parenting is no easy feat.
While effort is appreciated, accidental overstepping can trigger emotional distress.
Intentional overstepping, however, yields its own slew of pushback and resentment, especially when a step-parent tries to take the place of a deceased parent.
A Redditor’s stepmom and father are furious after he refused to teach his dad’s new wife how to make his late mother’s beloved pie, so he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Mental-Pie-1146 asked:
“AITA for refusing to teach my dad’s wife how to make my mom’s pie?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My mom had this pie she used to make all the time.”
“It was the family favorite dish.”
“My siblings (7/f[emale], 6/m[ale]) and I (17/m[ale]) love it.”
“After mom died two years ago I took over making it.”
“Now my dad is remarried and his wife wants to learn to make the pie because she said it’s a motherly thing to do, make your kids favorite meal, and she feels like I’m getting in the way of her having that experience with them.”
“I refused to teach her how to make it.”
“I told her I’m going to keep making it and giving it to my siblings and it’s an experience where I can tell them about mom and they can ask about her.”
“She told me she’s going to be their mom now and deserves to have the chance to do this for them.”
“I told her I don’t care and I’m not teaching her.”
“My dad told me I should step back and let his wife step in and take over this kind of thing and I’m the only one who knows it of the two of us.”
“She tried a few times to remake it and it wasn’t liked.”
“She told me making something like that is a whole part of motherhood and I’m denying her.”
“That I need to get out of her way of making it as my sibling’s mom.”
“She told me teaching her is honoring the family she wants to have.”
“I’m still refusing to teach her, and I get asked more each day because I’m closer to turning 18 and moving into the house my aunt owns nearby.”
“My dad and his wife are more angry now than ever.”
“AITA?”
OP has offered the following explanation for why he thinks he might be the a**hole:
“I refused to teach my dad’s wife how to make my mom’s pie.”
“It’s my sibling’s favorite food, and she wants to be able to make them that so she can start being their mom and doing all the mom things.”
“They really love the pie.”
“She really wants to learn. My dad really wants her to know it.”
“So I’m possibly an AH for not when it is getting in the way and might even be a little petty to gatekeep.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. Sounds like your dad got married very quickly and without doing the work to prepare and consult with you guys to help you feel comfortable with it.”
“If the pie is ‘your thing’ let her and your dad find another way to integrate her with the family.” – Advanced-Call-6526
“NTA.”
“‘She told me she’s going to be their mom now and deserves to have the chance to do this for them'”
“She’s not their mother, and she doesn’t get to make that decision.” – FSUfan35
“I’d say NTA. Definitely.”
“I see both points of view, and it wouldn’t hurt to teach her how to prepare the pie.”
“BUT… 1) she feels entitled to it.”
“2) she says OP is getting in her way – come on, lady, find another recipe and turn it into YOUR special memory.”
“3) from what OP says, she says preparing this pie is a big part of motherhood.”
“Really? THIS very pie?”
“I think the reason here is a different one. She’s trying to take over OP’s mother and erase her memories from the family.”
“She can exercise motherhood in her own way, doesn’t have to fill in anybody’s shoes in order to do so.”
“But, OP, I’m wondering which would be her and your father’s answer if you said just this: ‘It was my mom’s special dish.'”
“‘If you want to make such a memorable motherhood, why does it have to be at expense of a dead woman?'”
“‘Why don’t you come up with some recipe that will ADD to our lives, instead of trying to take over our mom’s place?'” – TopperBr77
“She can find some other way to bond with them.”
“That pie can’t be the only thing the kids like.”
“I don’t think she was an a-hole for asking. But she is definitely an a-hole for how she asked. And for forcing the issue.”
“She’s not respecting your mom’s place in your life and sounds like she’s trying to erase her.”
“She should drop it and focus on finding another bonding agent.”
“Your dad’s an a-hole too for how he’s reacting to the whole thing.”
“NTA” – solo_throwaway254247
“NTA. I hate step-parents who think a deceased spouse is replaceable.”
“If she wants a special meal to share with the family, she can find a recipe of her own instead of taking over your mother’s pie.”
“Tell her to look for brownie recipes or something.” – Medysus
“NTA”
“You shouldn’t teach her how to make it. It’s your MOM’S dish, not the ‘new wife of my dad’ dish.”
“If your siblings want to eat the pie, they can eat it when they are with you, and you can keep up the memory of their real mom.”
“Don’t let her erase the memory of her.” – wicky1983
“‘…that is a whole part of motherhood, and I’m denying her.'”
“There are more parts that she missed. Is she also angry that she didnt get to birth you and your siblings?”
“Maybe ask her if she wants to change your diaper, for some bonus mother/son experience?”
“NTA” – Dashqu
“NTA OP”
“I feel this is a tradition between your mom, you, and your siblings, and now that your mom is gone it’s something you and your siblings should share and talk over memories of her.”
“Whilst you ultimately want to see your dad happy again, I find it really out of line that your new stepmom immediately wants to insert herself into replacing your mom and start telling you how things should be done; she should be respectful and realize that you and your siblings are still grieving.”
“Right now I think she’s being insensitive”
“Tell your dad to grow a backbone and stand up to his wife, Because if she’s already acting this way and making everything about her I suspect all of you are in for a bumpy ride” – ColdstreamCapple
“NTA. Your dad and your stepmother are seeming to misunderstand something.”
“This pie that your mother made was special because it was HER recipe and because SHE made it. It was HER pie.”
“Unfortunately, she can no longer be here, so you are stepping in for her and every time you make that pie, you are bringing a little bit of HER back to life.”
“What your dad and stepmother don’t seem to get is that the pie is special because of the person making it.”
“It’s special when you make it because you are your mother’s child and are able to bring back a little bit of her every time you make it.”
“When your stepmother makes it, it’s nothing special, it’s just a pie.”
“She keeps saying that she wants to know how to make it because ‘it’s a motherly thing to do, making your family’s favorite dishes,’ but in this case, she isn’t the right mother, so the dish is never going to be quite right.”
“Unfortunately, even if you give her the recipe, it is still not going to taste the way it would if you or your mom had made it.”
“For certain recipes, two people can follow the exact same instructions, use the exact same ingredients, and end up with two dishes that taste completely different.”
“That is what would happen here, which would cause another issue because then your dad would be mad that no one liked the pie when she made it the exact same way you and your mom did.”
“I understand that your dad was trying to get your siblings a ‘new mother,’ but steamrolling the memory of your actual mother is not the way to do it.”
“If your stepmother is so intent on ‘mothering,’ then she needs to make up her own recipes that are separate from your mom’s because she is never going to be able to fill your mom’s shoes.”
“Think of it like a little girl trying on her mother’s high heels; she can try them on, but in the end, she’s just playing dress up.” – Icy_Cardiologist8444
“Nta”
“It took your dad two years to meet and marry a new woman after the mother of his children died.”
“That’s disgusting.”
“That woman needs to learn her place, and so should your dad.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.” – Reddit user
Hopefully fellow Redditors helped OP realize he was not being selfish or difficult for wanting to preserve his mother’s recipe as well as her memory.
It sounds like his stepmother has a little realization to do herself, though.