Forming a family dynamic is hard.
After divorce or death, blending loved ones take finesse.
Not everyone is going to get along or want to fall in line.
And that can be for a myriad of reasons.
Case in point...
Redditor mystepsisterisspecia wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA because I refuse to go and visit my special needs stepsister in hospital even though she's very sick? I low key hate her."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 15 years old."
"I have a stepsister who is a couple years older than me and she is really seriously disabled."
"I'm not sure what's wrong with her because no one ever wants to discuss it with me, but she's nonverbal, breaks her bones a lot, and has severe epilepsy and will have many fitting episodes."
"She also doesn't understand stuff."
"That's probably the easiest way to put it."
"She's just a human body with nothing inside."
"She's my stepmom's daughter."
"My stepmom married my dad 3 years ago and they dated only for a year before that."
"I don't know my stepmom very well and I don't really get on with her."
"We are respectful to each other but I'm basically living with strangers because she's so busy with her daughter and my dad."
"I am always on my own and I used to hate it, but I'm used to it now."
"Ever since they moved in to live with us life changed drastically for me because all the care now revolves around my stepsister."
"That's fine, I get it, but both my stepmom and my dad ask me to do things for my stepsister that I don't want to do and I resent doing."
"Stuff like staying home when I want to go to the mall with my friends, they're disappointed that I don't get her anything for her birthday with my very limited funds, etc."
"My own mom passed away when I was small so I can't go and stay anywhere else and all in all I'm just a lot angrier than I used to be because they seem really disappointed whenever I say I don't want to do anything for her."
"Even stuff like feeding her- like- I don't want to sit there feeding her banana pudding and wiping her drool."
"I didn't ask for this."
"Anyway, she recently fell a few days ago and had a seizure for 8 minutes."
"She was taken to hospital and the doctors want to keep her in and look after her."
"I don't want to go and visit her."
"I remember seeing my mom in hospital before she died and I just hate hospitals and I sort of hate my stepsister and I just don't want to go and visit someone who doesn't even know I'm there."
"My stepmom is really upset with me and so is my dad."
"They haven't yelled at me or anything but they are both being super cold towards me because I don't want to visit."
"My grandma who lives in Canada called me up out the blue and told me it was okay."
"And I don't need to force myself to go to the hospital so I'm assuming my dad has told her I'm refusing to go."
"He keeps pleading with me but I keep telling him I'm not doing it."
"I told him hospitals remind me of mom and he got even more upset and said my stepsister might die and I need to stop being so selfish towards my stepmom."
"I just want to know what Reddit thinks because half my friends think I should go and the other half think I'm justified in saying no."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I'm a mom, and I wish I could give you a motherly hug right now."
"You're a strong, brave person who has had to deal with much more than you should have."
"Your dad and stepmom don't seem to see you as a person with their own needs and issues."
"Your stepsister is a giant set of issues that you did not volunteer to take on at your young age." ~ thumb_of_justice
"Crazy how many adults don't understand how kids are different than them, right?"
"They like to talk about 'how they used to do things' but forget they had parents there for them, unlike OP here."
"You mentioned 'adult logic' and I think that's what the problem here is."
"They don't see OP as a growing child they still need to care for, but another set of hands for someone they deem 'more urgent' to care for."
"That always seems to happen."
"You were spot on about the 'I didn't ask for this' part, because the Dad literally asked for it by marrying her."
"And the Stepmom could always, as awful as it sounds, have given her child to other places that could care for her. They exist."
"Both of them had options."
"Really, the only person justified in saying they didn't ask for anything is OP."
"I'd suggest talking to your dad, OP."
"Tell him what most people here are suggesting about explaining how you truly feel, and how you truly feel about your stepsister (and hospitals)."
"Most times, adults come off as jerks because they just don't have the information you assume they have."
"If they really aren't jerks, they'll change after you inform them."
"If not, well, you still have your grandma."
"And only 3 more years."
"Just remember though, they most likely aren't having a great time either."
"They may try to use that as a reasoning point, but they shouldn't use it as a reason to have you join in their suffering."
"Just doesn't make any sense."
"I'd understand if your stepsister was your actual sister, but you're technically right that these people are basically strangers you suddenly have to live with."
"Kinda upsetting your dad doesn't get that." ~ SomeStupidPerson
"NAH. You're right, you didn't ask for this, you're not your sister's carer, and having lost your mom you're understandably uneasy around hospitals."
"But please rethink the idea that 'she's just a human body with nothing inside.'"
"People with disabilities are still people."
"And while I don't think you should be the one feeding her, it does seem strange that you don't give her birthday gifts."
"Even something small would be a kind gesture."
"You're in a really difficult situation, and I sympathise, but there has to be a middle ground between being her carer and rejecting her altogether." ~ WebbieVanderquack
"NTA. You sound like an average teenager who has had a lot of life experiences early on."
"If going to the hospital upsets you, don't go."
"And don't be afraid to tell your dad what you need, which is his undivided attention for a minute!"
"If you're in school, talk to a counselor or teacher, or ask to be referred to therapy."
"You have a real asset in your grandma."
"Call her and talk with her often."
"She may be a good way to get through to your dad."
"Hang in there."
"I'm sorry life is tough right now." ~ vlsewell
OP came back with a response...
"Thank you, this is so sweet and so are a lot of the comments."
"I can't lie I'm ugly crying right now."
"I needed something uplifting and I defo didn't think it was going to be from this post but you've just helped move a lot of grief inside me so thank you."
Reddit continued...
"It sounds like we're not talking about someone who is just disabled here, but someone who is essentially a vegetable."
"She is probably unable to understand or feel anything, and won't even know OP is there for her."
"It's not the same situation as, say, someone who is severely autistic."
"OP's parents are asking OP to do something pointless even though it hurts OP."
"They are not doing this for OP or OP's stepsister, they are doing it for themselves."
"They are being selfish here, and were before when they constantly neglected OP's needs."
"This is a clear NTA situation, not NAH." ~ visvis
"NTA. I completely disagree with the notion you should be there as support for your dad and stepmom."
"You are a child."
"It's not your role to be their support system (although in a healthy dynamic this will shift as you get older)."
"As far as how you feel about your stepsister- I completely understand why you haven't formed a bond with her and feel like you can't."
"It's completely reasonable."
"I do think you should find a different way to verbalize it- saying you have no bond with her is different than saying she's just nothing and it's less offensive to people." ~ adelitatennessee
"NTA at all."
"I hate situations like this where everyone is getting a bad deal and the other kid/s get forgotten."
"You may have to pull your dad to the side and talk to him about how you're feeling forgotten." ~ geegeepark
"NTA for not wanting to go visit or be responsible for your stepsister's care/wellbeing."
"That's just not an appropriate responsibility to ask a 15-year-old to take on, and it makes sense you have a lot of issues around hospitals because of your mom."
"Sounds like you have a ton of (very understandable) resentment around your situation which makes a lot of sense."
"Especially since you didn't choose it, and you don't feel any real connection with your stepmom or stepsister."
"That said, you are slightly TA for how you describe your stepsister, and for 'hating' her — she is a person, albeit one with a ton of challenges who can't interact in a typical way."
"It's not her fault those challenges make your life so difficult." ~ emz272
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
Sounds like everyone wants you to do what makes you comfortable.
Stay calm and be strong.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp