Redditor Sea-Childhood7884 has a complicated relationship with his father.
After his parent’s marriage dissolved due to his father’s infidelity, the Original Poster (OP) suffered further heartbreak when his mother died.
Against his wishes, the OP had to live with his father and stepmother.
Now, his dad and stepmom want to adopt a baby and the OP may have ruined their chances.
This led the OP to subReddit, “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
He asked:
“AITA for potentially being the reason my father and his wife can’t adopt or foster?”
He went on to explain.
“So my father and his wife are unable to have children together. He has me [16-year-old male] from his marriage to my mom which ended because he cheated on her with his now wife.”
“The affair was found out when I was 7 and my mom left him straight after.”
“I split time with both of them unfortunately, which meant I was around my father and his wife a lot and she tried to be a second mom to me which I think was sh*tty…”
“…after she knowingly slept with a married man (she was dating his best friend at the time too).”
“My mom died when I was 12. Then I had to live with my father and his wife and had no escape from them.”
“They tried to make me forgive them/let go of what happened and they did a bunch of therapy with me. But I always told him I would stop speaking to him as soon as I turn 18.”
“They found out 3 years ago that they could not have kids together and almost two years ago started the process to adopt a baby from foster care.”
“During the process, I was interviewed. This was in February of this year.”
“I was asked questions about my relationship with ‘my parents,’ which I corrected and told them she was not my parent and he was only because of blood.”
“Then asked how I would feel about a sibling and I told them I would have nothing to do with one and was planning to move and never speak to my father again once I turn 18.”
“The social worker looked kinda alarmed by that. She asked me about my father’s family and I said they disowned him after he cheated and so did all of his friends.”
“Soon after the interviews were done they were rejected and told they could not provide a suitable environment for a child.”
“My father’s wife fell apart. I heard her say mom must have been cursing her from beyond the grave. She’s really religious and does believe people can send good or bad luck from beyond the grave.”
“She’s still not over the news and a few weeks ago my father was telling me I should take pity on her and at least be friendly to her. I asked why I’d do that and he said her dream of motherhood is over.”
“I told him I didn’t care. He asked me if I had something to do with that. I shrugged.”
“He then went off on me saying it was cruel to punish them this long. He said they could have provided a child with so much love and it was wrong to say things that got in the way of that.”
“She sobbed for a week when he told her.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA – You were asked questions and you answered them honestly. As long as there were no lies then you did nothing wrong.”
“It amazes me the amount of people that breakup a home, move in / marry an affair partner, and then are all *shocked pikachu face* that their kids aren’t happy about it and resent the parent for it.”
‘“Also sorry about your mother.” – judgingA-holes
“NTA- You gave honest answers to the social worker. Good on you.”
“I wish crappy parents were required to get input from their current children before breeding more children, 😂.”
“In all seriousness, I do not believe your interview is why their application was denied, given the high rate of children that need homes.”
“Regarding the cheating- they say you lose ’em the way you got ’em…. your biological father’s current wife is in for a big surprise when he cheats again.”
“And it has nothing to do with beyond the grave.”
“Info: how did your mom pass?”– Cocokreykrey
“I’m going with NTA for one simple reason: the social worker asked you a question, and you answered with the truth; you had no intention nor the need to cover up for them…”
“…if you lied or simply did not answer with the full story and they ended up with a child but didn’t treat them right, then part of the fault will fall on you.” – Lavender_Everett
“NTA. As far as I understand, you answered all the questions honestly. Yes, your answers were a part of what made the social worker decide these two people have already failed as parents.”
“Which they clearly have, look at the results. You’ve been living with them exclusively for four years, and there were, what, five years of you spending a lot of time with them before then.”
“If in that time they, two grown adults, didn’t manage to smooth things out and give you reasons to love them, trust them…”
“…or at least want to keep in contact with them after you turn 18. There’s no guarantee they would do better with an adopted child.”
“Answering the questions truthfully doesn’t make you the reason this happened. You simply delivered the information.”
“I’m sorry that your childhood and teenage years turned out like this.”
“While I don’t discount the possibility that you’re contributing to the difficulties in your relationship with your father and his wife, you’ve been a child all this time, and they’re the adults in this situation.”
“I hope that you’ll be able to have a good adult life in the future and that you’ll find an environment where you’ll feel genuinely loved and accepted.” – Ravelte
“NTA”
“Social worker should be prioritizing the well-being of the child, not the feelings of prospective foster/adoptive parents.”
“Your interview wouldn’t have been the sole factor to that determination, but it also wasn’t ignored either.”
“It helped provide context as to how the prospective foster/adoptive parents have parented previously, which is important to be considered.”
“It would not have been good if you were dishonest or provided false information.”
“It was decided that they were deemed not a suitable fit. That’s on them, not you.” – gtwl214
“NTA, you were honest. You did the right thing because there are a lot of people that should not be foster parents.”
“The goal of fostering is reunification, not finding a shiny new ‘toy’ to adopt like they seem to think. These are children that have gone through something horrible and need support.” – seba_make
“They could have provided a child with love? Maybe…”
“Could they have raised it with respect and responsibility instilled? Nope. They won’t even hold themselves accountable for their actions.”
“No need to let them ruin a child and raise another person who doesn’t believe in honesty or integrity. Screw them.”
“Tell them you are your mother’s karma, and they can both be childless the minute you can move out.”
“NTA” – Odd_Welcome7940
“NTA, you just stated your truth…”
“Actions have consequences, and your father and his wife need to understand it….”
“It is sad her dreams of becoming a mother are shattered; however, that burden is not on you…” – RavenclawEC
“NTA.”
“Your father and his wife need to understand that you may never forgive them for what he did.”
“if he could understand that and approach you with that mindset, then I think your relationship with the two could possibly have improved over the years.”
“But the fact that for years he has tried to make you forget and forgive, that’s like scratching a mosquito bite.”
“You gave an honest answer on your stance with your father, and they ultimately decided that they don’t think he’s fit to be a parent again.”
“I’m not sure if one affair and its consequences are grounds for being ineligible for foster care, but hey, he made your life miserable so how can we say he won’t do it again?”
“Even without your input, it’s possible they could’ve been rejected eligibility.” – techmakerdb
“NTA. You weren’t the reason. The social worker was the one who made the call, based on the cheating, which they probably lied about.”
“Idk what her criteria were, and I doubt that having cheated on someone years ago actually makes you unfit to be a parent, but… They cheated.”
“That’s a thing they did. This, apparently, is one of the consequences.” – SmadaSlaguod
“NTA.”
“I showed my friend, who is a caseworker, and she said it was probably just the final nail in the coffin. It sounds like they may have fudged some of the facts.”
“They don’t have the support from extended family. Their actions (even though it was years ago) already broke apart one family…”
“…and it sounds like they want a “fix it” kid rather than give a child a good home.”
“There were probably other things that the caseworker took into account for her decision. It’s not all on you.”
“Your father and his wife want a scapegoat instead of looking inward and taking accountability. Unfortunately, they zeroed in on you.”
“Keep doing your thing and leave at the soonest possible moment. You deserve love and happiness, and I hope you find your chosen family.” – Page300and904
Best wishes to the OP.