It's always a gamble what we might inherit from our parents when it comes to DNA.
It has been demonstrably proven that intelligent, athletic, and artistically minded people don't always pass on their skills and gifts to their children.
Nor is a strong, physical resemblance always a given.
What's becoming a more rapidly growing concern, however, is whether or not parents might unwillingly pass on things that might put the health and well-being of their children at risk.
Redditor IceNecessary785 lost all contact with her mother at a very young age, owing to a serious health issue.
An issue the original poster (OP) felt that she might be suffering from herself.
When the OP expressed this concern to her father and stepmother, she found herself more or less ignored.
Eventually resulting in a literal screaming match.
Wondering if she was out of line with her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for screaming at my father and his wife and refusing to stop until I said what I needed to?"
The OP explained why she couldn't help but raise her voice to her father and stepmother:
"I (16 F[emale]) live with my father, his wife, my two stepsiblings and half sibling."
"My parents divorced when I was 3 and I last saw my mom when I was 6."
"She lost custody of me because she's mentally ill and her whole family is."
"My father was awarded primary custody of me which became sole custody over time."
"I really only remember one visit with my mom and she was really sick."
"We know her parents, her four siblings and her all suffered with their mental health and likely the same one."
"It's also believed her great grandparents were mentally ill too, but she never knew them."
"I never knew anyone in her family."
"My father and his wife met when I was 5 and we lived together when I was 6 and they got married when I was 7."
"She wanted to adopt me but I said no."
"My mother pays child support and has never missed a payment, according to my grandpa."
"My father and his wife like to ignore my mental health and the family history and genetic component to mental illness."
"They like to pretend my father's wife is my mother, and they don't want me talking about my mom."
"I still do."
"It pisses them off."
"I bring up the mental health reasons, and they tell me nurture is more important than nature."
"They tell me I'm disrespectful, dismissing my father's wife's influence and place in my life and how I have two parents in my home."
"I shouldn't wonder about someone who didn't love me enough to get herself together."
"I told them mental illness isn't that straightforward forward, and they told me to 'focus on my real mom,' meaning my father's wife."
"I don't call her my stepmother because of how dismissive she is about my mental health."
"Same reason my father is my father and not my dad."
"My grandma never liked my mom, so she's with them."
"But grandpa is on my side."
"He also kept in touch with mom secretly and checked in on her."
"I know I'm mentally ill."
"I already have some stuff going on."
"I told my father, and he brushed it off as me imagining things, which I said, yeah, and that's my problem."
"But he doesn't want to hear it."
'His wife doesn't want me to talk about it when her kids are in the house."
"So basically never."
"They saw me searching my mom's name online last week and they told me to drop it and stop disrespecting my real mom, the woman who raised me and is the reason I am who I am."
"They said I keep looking for ways to push her away."
"And I lost it."
"I started screaming that she's not my mom, she will never be my mom, she didn't pass her DNA on to me and it's not her medical history that's relevant to mine."
"I told them she can't save me from mental illness."
"That they can't ignore the problem and think it won't happen."
"They tried to stop me but I kept going until I made it very clear how angry I was and how I would blame them if I got so bad it was harder to treat."
"They were madder than I ever saw them."
"Especially because the other kids were in the house and heard everything."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for screaming at her father and stepmother.
Everyone agreed that the OP's father and stepmother were bordering on being negligent, as ignoring the OP's request for help and forbidding her from learning more about her mother's condition could put her in serious danger.
"NTA but you need to tell someone that you need help."
"Talk to a teacher, make an appointment with your doctor."
"If you feel you might be in crisis, you can go to the local emergency room and ask for help."
"I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and asking for help even when those around you don't want to hear it."
"Keep advocating for yourself."- Guilty-Company-9755
"NTA."
"Your Dad and SM are not being real."
"As soon as you turn 18, leave and don't look back."- Comfortable-Sea-2454
"NTA."
"Your father and his wife are erasing your mother from your life, and that is wrong."
"Thankfully you can move out when you're 18."- GhibliFan96
"NTA."
"I hope you can convince your father and his new family to acknowledge the fact that you have a biological mother different from your father's other children."- Adventurous_Byte
"NTA."
"Tell your father and step that you need a psychiatrist appointment."
"You want to make sure you are at least getting medicines that will keep you in normal behavior if needed."- Effective_Layer_7243
"I can't believe your father and stepmother have solved the nature vs. nurture argument!"
"When do they get their Nobel?"
"As long as they pretend to know everything, keep pretending they are not your parents."
"Give Grandpa an extra hug."
"NTA."- Micubano
"NTA."
"It seems that they just aren't listening, for whatever reason."
"Likely they don't want to acknowledge mental issues--something that a LOT of people seem to minimize, as if it is just something people can 'get over'."
"It is really frustrating, especially for those who know there is a problem."
"It took 40 or so years for my dad to recognize that my 60-year-old brother is actually bipolar plus had mental issues from a fatal (one brother died) --near-fatal car accident when he was 6 (traumatic brain injury)."
"People prefer to remain ignorant when it comes to mental health issues, and that is bone-crushingly tragic, I think."
"You are right about mental illness being something that people can't just get over."
"Have you ever tried to go to (if in the US) your community health department?"
"Ask them for resources--they may be able to hook you up with a psychiatrist."
"Or how about your high school?"
"A lot of high schools now have a psychologist accessible for students--I know where I was, in a high school with only about 500 students, we had a psychologist for 2-3 days a week (a lot of schools appointed one following covid)."
"The ones at the high school are free, and don't have to be school related issues."
"You can, and should, be getting mental health care."
"If your parents are not helping you with it, please seek it out on your own, and I think your high school can get you on the right path with this."
"Try connecting with a trusted adult with this, and if you don't know any well enough to trust, maybe the principal?"
"They all can at the very least, point you in the right direction."- PickleNotaBigDill
"Are you still in high school?"
"Please talk to a school counselor and let them know that you would like to be connected with mental health services."
"Let them know your family history of illness, and that your father and stepmother ARE REFUSING to get you treatment."
"It's amazing that your mom is able to make child support payments without fail - consistency is typically lacking in serious mental health disorders, so she may be getting gov't payments and your CS is being directly sent from that."
"Is your grandfather (the one who's in touch with your mom) living nearby?"
"Is he your mom's dad?"
"Do you get to visit with him?"
"How does he say your mom is doing?"
"Would it be possible to communicate or visit with her through him?"
"Is that even something you're interested in doing?"
"Just want to send you a giant (((hug)))."
"You're definitely NTA."
"Pls talk to your counselor at school."
"They can make sure you get the help you need."
"You don't say what specific mental illness you believe you're experiencing, but sometimes MH issues can qualify you for a 509 or IEP plan for your education (modifications/accommodations to help you do better in school)."
"If this is a situation that is also impacting your education, the school takes this VERY seriously."
"If you aren't able to get the help you need through school, please consider reaching out to CPS."
"I know they can suck in a number of ways, but if you're not being cared for properly, they can ensure you're getting what you need- especially since you sound like you're able to voice your experiences and advocate for yourself on this topic."
"It may sound extreme to go this route, but if you had a PHYSICAL ILLNESS that your parents weren't getting you treatment for, everyone would recognize that this is extreme neglect."
"Mental illness is no different."
"Please keep us updated."- depemo
No matter the situation, ignoring someone's cries for help will never end well.
Sadly, this is precisely what the OP's father and stepmother are doing, just as they brushed aside the fact that the OP's mother needed help and couldn't provide the love and support the OP needed.
One can only hope they both get over themselves and hear the OP's cries before she gets herself into an even worse situation.
Or, more ideally, the OP will find someone who will actually listen.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp