Losing a parent very early on in life leaves a big hole in the life of a child.
It can be especially difficult when the child never got to know the deceased parent.
Accepting any new partner a parent brings home is challenging.
But these particular situations carry a different kind of weight.
This is stress some new partners just can’t handle.
Redditor Minimum_Succotash526 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my dad’s husband I don’t want him to adopt me and his bringing up my dead father is not winning me over?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (16 M[ale]) have two Dads.”
“One died before I was born; Daddy.”
“He was my non-bio father and his best friend was my parent’s surrogate.”
“She’s my Aunty Giga.”
“My dad is my bio parent and my daddy’s widower.”
“And yeah, I say dad and daddy and still say daddy as a 16-year-old guy.”
“Dad always referred to daddy as… daddy to me so I use it.”
“A month before I was born Daddy died.”
“My dad changed completely that day.”
“Because of where we live, even back then, my daddy was still able to be recognized on my birth certificate.”
“It was a fight and involved the courts.”
“But it happened.”
“It was really uncommon back then but he won the case thanks to Aunty Giga and other family members recognizing my two dads.”
“I grew up always knowing about daddy and I always cherished the connection to him.”
“I was always glad my dad won the right for both of them to be legally my parents.”
“I was also always treated like their son, not just dad’s or not dad’s and Aunty Giga’s.”
“When I was 4 my dad tried to date again and he met Sam.”
“They dated for about 3 months but Dad wasn’t ready and Sam didn’t like what he saw.”
“He felt jealous and insecure that he wasn’t being brought in as another dad for me.”
“They reconnected when I was 8 and got married when I was 12.”
“My relationship with Sam is complicated and weird and he wants to adopt me.”
“But I don’t want him to be my dad.”
“I don’t want to be adopted by him or to have him take care of me if I become an orphan.”
“He has always made it a point to bring up the fact daddy wasn’t my bio father in the first place and how legally it was a miracle he’s even on my birth certificate.”
“I hate it. It feels so gross.”
“He has told me at least I’ll know him while daddy is someone who’s just saintly in my mind because I wasn’t allowed to process only having one parent.”
“Even though I know I was raised by one parent.”
“But I still had two.”
“He just wasn’t here.”
“But I read the book he was putting together for me.”
“He documented a lot of the parenting journey and surrogacy stuff and the pregnancy until his death.”
“He was so excited.”
“He loved me so much.”
“He wanted me so badly.”
“On Father’s Day, we had a big fight over adoption.”
“Dad was out and Sam brought up the adoption to me.”
“He told me he’s tired of feeling like an outsider because I always treat him like dad’s spouse instead of my stepdad or my parent.”
“I told him because that’s what he is and he has to learn to accept that.”
“I told him nothing changed for me.”
“He told me it’s stupid because I love one stepdad so much more.”
“I told him daddy is more than just a stepdad and then I told him I don’t want him to adopt me ever and bringing up daddy isn’t winning me over.”
“I told him if anything he’s making me wish Dad had found someone better.”
“Dad doesn’t know what happened but things have been tense since and Sam said I went too far.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You need to talk to your Dad and tell him everything.”
“Does your Dad know about what Sam is doing?”
“Sam has no right to try and erase your Daddy regardless if you met him or not.”
“He still is and always will be your Daddy.”
“Your NTA, Sam however is AH.” ~ Ready-Replacement181
“He has no business discussing it behind his husband’s back and putting pressure on the kid.”
“I would be worried about what his motives are since he has been trying to get unfettered access to this kid for a long time.” ~ Altruistic_Appeal_25
“Exactly! Sounds like the jealousy rearing its ugly head again.”
“I had a stepdad AND a relationship with my Dad.”
“My stepdad never tried to discourage me, nor did he ever insist I call him dad or have him take that position in my life.”
“I never once questioned if it was because he didn’t love me; he treated me as his own, but had enough respect for me and both my parents to allow me to honor my relationships with them in my own way.” ~ mry89376
“So much this.”
“OP, your dad needs to have all the relevant information to decide whether he’s where he wants to be in his life.”
“Right now, his husband is keeping some of that information from him, so your dad can’t make an accurate choice for his life.”
“He needs to know that Sam is pressuring you on this so he can decide what he wants for his marriage.” ~ readthethings13579
“I agree. It’s honorable to try and spare your dad.”
“However, and this is very important to let sink in, your dad will beat himself up later.”
‘He’ll question himself more and think that he’s failed you.”
“Trust him and show him that you trust him.”
“You can tell him you’ve kept quiet to help him.”
“He’ll hate knowing you were protecting him rather than the other way around.”
“But He’ll also be blown away by the young man he’s raised and he deserves to see this.” ~ Independent-Noise513
“There has been a string of this sort of situation recently.”
“The new spouse is insecure in their relationship with the other parent because they feel like they’re competing with a dead person.”
“But they focus more on the relationship with the kid and why won’t the kid accept them as a replacement parent?”
“It’s common but also just so baffling.”
“If you don’t like that a person was in a previous relationship with someone who died, don’t marry that person! So simple!”
“It’d be like saying you don’t want kids and end up in a relationship with someone with kids.”
“Why did you do that? Ugh.”
“Hope OP tells his dad.”
“He’s NTA for holding his boundaries with Sam, who is just so far over the line of appropriate behavior that he needs to be yeeted.” ~ jediping
“Good luck, Kid.”
“We all support you, you’ve suffered just too much with this nonsense.”
“You shouldn’t be in this situation, and that’s why Sam is smart enough to not bring this up in front of your dad.”
“Believe it or not, you’re doing your dad a favor by showing Sam’s true colors.”
“NTA.” ~ LilydBol
“NTA. I can’t even understand how Sam could think you went too far.”
“You basically told him to stop pressuring you to feel a way you don’t feel.”
“I do think you need to talk to your dad about this though.”
“Make it clear that you don’t want the adoption that Sam keeps bringing up and that his pressure and trying to say your feelings for your daddy aren’t important and really bothers you.”
“If Sam wants a good relationship with you, then Sam needs to stop this, and your dad needs to be fully aware of the tactics Sam is using on you.” ~ Cakeliesx
“NTA. You are entitled to your feelings, and you are not required to accept your dad’s husband as a father figure.”
“I mean… legally he is your stepdad, but if you don’t feel he is a father figure for you, then he isn’t.”
“I would say bring this up with your dad in front of Sam, and then ask your dad to make Sam stop any talk about this stuff in the future.” ~ 229u3h28r0242
“NTA. You do need to tell Dad, and you need to tell him everything and that you didn’t speak up in the past out of love for him and respect his right to a loving relationship.”
“But Sam has gone way too far.” ~ Affectionate_Bar8887
“You treat Sam like Dad‘s spouse because he is.”
“Sam is not entitled to you calling him your parent, or for him to adopt you, and I don‘t understand why he would.”
“Flipping the script, this would more obviously give off really weird ‘stepmom’ vibes.”
“NTA. I suggest you talk to your dad about what happened, because you haven‘t made it clear in your post, and I wish you all the best!”
“Don‘t be discouraged and don‘t let anyone invalidate how you feel!” ~ ExtendedSpikeProtein
OP came back with an update…
“I told Dad everything.”
“He brought me out to get ice cream and we just talked for like 4 hours about everything that happened.”
“My dad was so upset.”
“He had no idea Sam had ever mentioned adoption to me.”
“Sam never mentioned he wanted to go that far.”
“We both ended up crying because Dad felt so guilty and I felt awful hurting my dad.”
“All I ever wanted was for him to be really happy.”
“He got really mad when I told him what Sam said about daddy being just a stepfather.”
“My dad isn’t a guy who gets mad so to see him that way was surprising but also not really because he still loves daddy so much.”
“I ended up spending the night at my best friend’s house and I’m still here.”
“He said he needed to take care of things without me there, and he’d pick me up later today.”
“He sent me a text late last night that said Sam won’t be at the house when we get back home.”
“And he apologized again (he apologized a lot yesterday).”
“Also, Sam sent me an angry text at some point and I blocked his number.”
“I figure I don’t need to have it anymore.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It’s wonderful to know that your Dad has your back.
Sam will have to face the consequences of his actions, which has nothing to do with you.
Sorry for your loss so early in life.
Good luck.