Losing a parent very early on in life leaves a big hole in the life of a child.
It can be especially difficult when the child never got to know the deceased parent.
Accepting any new partner a parent brings home is challenging.
But these particular situations carry a different kind of weight.
This is stress some new partners just can't handle.
Redditor Minimum_Succotash526 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my dad's husband I don't want him to adopt me and his bringing up my dead father is not winning me over?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (16 M[ale]) have two Dads."
"One died before I was born; Daddy."
"He was my non-bio father and his best friend was my parent's surrogate."
"She's my Aunty Giga."
"My dad is my bio parent and my daddy's widower."
"And yeah, I say dad and daddy and still say daddy as a 16-year-old guy."
"Dad always referred to daddy as... daddy to me so I use it."
"A month before I was born Daddy died."
"My dad changed completely that day."
"Because of where we live, even back then, my daddy was still able to be recognized on my birth certificate."
"It was a fight and involved the courts."
"But it happened."
"It was really uncommon back then but he won the case thanks to Aunty Giga and other family members recognizing my two dads."
"I grew up always knowing about daddy and I always cherished the connection to him."
"I was always glad my dad won the right for both of them to be legally my parents."
"I was also always treated like their son, not just dad's or not dad's and Aunty Giga's."
"When I was 4 my dad tried to date again and he met Sam."
"They dated for about 3 months but Dad wasn't ready and Sam didn't like what he saw."
"He felt jealous and insecure that he wasn't being brought in as another dad for me."
"They reconnected when I was 8 and got married when I was 12."
"My relationship with Sam is complicated and weird and he wants to adopt me."
"But I don't want him to be my dad."
"I don't want to be adopted by him or to have him take care of me if I become an orphan."
"He has always made it a point to bring up the fact daddy wasn't my bio father in the first place and how legally it was a miracle he's even on my birth certificate."
"I hate it. It feels so gross."
"He has told me at least I'll know him while daddy is someone who's just saintly in my mind because I wasn't allowed to process only having one parent."
"Even though I know I was raised by one parent."
"But I still had two."
"He just wasn't here."
"But I read the book he was putting together for me."
"He documented a lot of the parenting journey and surrogacy stuff and the pregnancy until his death."
"He was so excited."
"He loved me so much."
"He wanted me so badly."
"On Father's Day, we had a big fight over adoption."
"Dad was out and Sam brought up the adoption to me."
"He told me he's tired of feeling like an outsider because I always treat him like dad's spouse instead of my stepdad or my parent."
"I told him because that's what he is and he has to learn to accept that."
"I told him nothing changed for me."
"He told me it's stupid because I love one stepdad so much more."
"I told him daddy is more than just a stepdad and then I told him I don't want him to adopt me ever and bringing up daddy isn't winning me over."
"I told him if anything he's making me wish Dad had found someone better."
"Dad doesn't know what happened but things have been tense since and Sam said I went too far."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"You need to talk to your Dad and tell him everything."
"Does your Dad know about what Sam is doing?"
"Sam has no right to try and erase your Daddy regardless if you met him or not."
"He still is and always will be your Daddy."
"Your NTA, Sam however is AH." ~ Ready-Replacement181
"He has no business discussing it behind his husband's back and putting pressure on the kid."
"I would be worried about what his motives are since he has been trying to get unfettered access to this kid for a long time." ~ Altruistic_Appeal_25
"Exactly! Sounds like the jealousy rearing its ugly head again."
"I had a stepdad AND a relationship with my Dad."
"My stepdad never tried to discourage me, nor did he ever insist I call him dad or have him take that position in my life."
"I never once questioned if it was because he didn't love me; he treated me as his own, but had enough respect for me and both my parents to allow me to honor my relationships with them in my own way." ~ mry89376
"So much this."
"OP, your dad needs to have all the relevant information to decide whether he's where he wants to be in his life."
"Right now, his husband is keeping some of that information from him, so your dad can't make an accurate choice for his life."
"He needs to know that Sam is pressuring you on this so he can decide what he wants for his marriage." ~ readthethings13579
"I agree. It's honorable to try and spare your dad."
"However, and this is very important to let sink in, your dad will beat himself up later."
'He'll question himself more and think that he's failed you."
"Trust him and show him that you trust him."
"You can tell him you've kept quiet to help him."
"He'll hate knowing you were protecting him rather than the other way around."
"But He'll also be blown away by the young man he's raised and he deserves to see this." ~ Independent-Noise513
"There has been a string of this sort of situation recently."
"The new spouse is insecure in their relationship with the other parent because they feel like they're competing with a dead person."
"But they focus more on the relationship with the kid and why won't the kid accept them as a replacement parent?"
"It's common but also just so baffling."
"If you don't like that a person was in a previous relationship with someone who died, don't marry that person! So simple!"
"It'd be like saying you don't want kids and end up in a relationship with someone with kids."
"Why did you do that? Ugh."
"Hope OP tells his dad."
"He's NTA for holding his boundaries with Sam, who is just so far over the line of appropriate behavior that he needs to be yeeted." ~ jediping
"Good luck, Kid."
"We all support you, you've suffered just too much with this nonsense."
"You shouldn't be in this situation, and that's why Sam is smart enough to not bring this up in front of your dad."
"Believe it or not, you're doing your dad a favor by showing Sam's true colors."
"NTA." ~ LilydBol
"NTA. I can't even understand how Sam could think you went too far."
"You basically told him to stop pressuring you to feel a way you don't feel."
"I do think you need to talk to your dad about this though."
"Make it clear that you don't want the adoption that Sam keeps bringing up and that his pressure and trying to say your feelings for your daddy aren't important and really bothers you."
"If Sam wants a good relationship with you, then Sam needs to stop this, and your dad needs to be fully aware of the tactics Sam is using on you." ~ Cakeliesx
"NTA. You are entitled to your feelings, and you are not required to accept your dad's husband as a father figure."
"I mean... legally he is your stepdad, but if you don't feel he is a father figure for you, then he isn't."
"I would say bring this up with your dad in front of Sam, and then ask your dad to make Sam stop any talk about this stuff in the future." ~ 229u3h28r0242
"NTA. You do need to tell Dad, and you need to tell him everything and that you didn't speak up in the past out of love for him and respect his right to a loving relationship."
"But Sam has gone way too far." ~ Affectionate_Bar8887
"You treat Sam like Dad's spouse because he is."
"Sam is not entitled to you calling him your parent, or for him to adopt you, and I don't understand why he would."
"Flipping the script, this would more obviously give off really weird 'stepmom' vibes."
"NTA. I suggest you talk to your dad about what happened, because you haven't made it clear in your post, and I wish you all the best!"
"Don't be discouraged and don't let anyone invalidate how you feel!" ~ ExtendedSpikeProtein
OP came back with an update...
"I told Dad everything."
"He brought me out to get ice cream and we just talked for like 4 hours about everything that happened."
"My dad was so upset."
"He had no idea Sam had ever mentioned adoption to me."
"Sam never mentioned he wanted to go that far."
"We both ended up crying because Dad felt so guilty and I felt awful hurting my dad."
"All I ever wanted was for him to be really happy."
"He got really mad when I told him what Sam said about daddy being just a stepfather."
"My dad isn't a guy who gets mad so to see him that way was surprising but also not really because he still loves daddy so much."
"I ended up spending the night at my best friend's house and I'm still here."
"He said he needed to take care of things without me there, and he'd pick me up later today."
"He sent me a text late last night that said Sam won't be at the house when we get back home."
"And he apologized again (he apologized a lot yesterday)."
"Also, Sam sent me an angry text at some point and I blocked his number."
"I figure I don't need to have it anymore."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It's wonderful to know that your Dad has your back.
Sam will have to face the consequences of his actions, which has nothing to do with you.
Sorry for your loss so early in life.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp