Bedwetting after potty training can be the result of emotional or mental health issues or have a medical cause.
Finding the root cause is the only way to cure the problem. Shame and ridicule aren’t effective treatments and generally just make the problem worse.
A young woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her parents’ reaction to her own bedwetting.
FewHandle9172 asked:
“AITA for not lying about wetting the bed and embarrassing my parents?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Anyway, I (18, female) had a weird week around Christmas where I was having a lot of nightmares and interrupted sleep. I think what happened was that, when I did fall asleep, I was sleeping really deeply, because I woke up having wet the bed.”
“This was a thing I used to do when stressed when I was little and my parents always shamed me for accidents. I was able to get through the night dry as early as 3, but sporadically I’d wet the bed up until I was 7 or 8.”
“Then very occasionally when I’ve been really stressed it would show up every couple years since then, but normally only once or twice every several years.”
“Even during the day, they seemed to view me needing the bathroom as a personal inconvenience.”
“Neurotic about bodily functions is the most accurate way to describe my parents. I remember one time I was 8 and we had gone on a 1.5 hour-long drive to see some of their friends.”
“We got to the restaurant where we were all meeting and I asked my mom to go to the bathroom (I had needed to for a while but I didn’t want to make her angry) and she actually yelled at me, ‘Why’d you need to ask me now? Do you see where we are?”
“Yes, a restaurant. With a bathroom. I offered to just take myself, but she said no, she had to come with me. I think she thinks I’m dealing drugs in there or something.”
“So, anytime it happened, I set an alarm to wake up early so I could do laundry and clean up before they noticed anything.”
“I have a couple of friends I’m really close with, and we were talking about how we’re all really stressed with college applications. I’m a high school senior—I just recently turned 18.”
“One of my friends admitted her hair is falling out from stress and we went around sharing more and more embarrassing things that have happened to us recently until I finally said, jokingly, ‘Don’t tell anybody, but I think I got stressed enough that I wet the bed’.”
“It turns out that one of my friends told her mom because she was worried about her mom and me, who is a doctor. Which is sweet, but her mom called mine, and now my parents are really angry at me for embarrassing them by keeping a secret from them.”
“I told them I was embarrassed and afraid they’d punish me and they said ‘You must not be that afraid because you’re telling other peoples’ parents’.”
“Except I trust my friends and honestly I trust their parents too, my friend’s mom didn’t yell at me and when I went to her house she was really nice to me.”
“My parents have now told me I’m not allowed to see that friend outside of school until I apologize to her mom for lying. They told me to say I was lying for attention.”
“Except I wasn’t and I’m refusing to start lying now. I don’t mean to broadcast on the internet that I wet the bed because I feel kind of like a baby, but I did, and I think it’s my choice to tell whoever I want, as well as to tell the truth.”
“AITA?”
The OP later added:
“I used to have a therapist and she said it’s probably emotional stress.”
“I didn’t want to be one of those people that’s all ‘I have PTSD!’ in a AITA post, but a therapist I had when I was younger said bedwetting is a common symptom of trauma, so it explains why it shows up when I’m stressed.”
“I’ve been keeping the PTSD a secret from my peers, though, just because I don’t want to be known as the ‘traumatized’ girl.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I could be judged for how I handled the situation: keeping a secret from my parents and not obeying them. This might make me the a**hole because it embarrassed my parents.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I think you should go the malicious compliance route, and do what your parents demanded: ‘My parents have not told me I’m not allowed to see that friend outside of school until I apologize to her mom for lying. They told me to say I was lying for attention’.”
“‘Apologize’ to your friend’s mom, and explain that your parents said you embarrassed them, and that they wouldn’t let you spend time with her daughter again until you had told her you were lying for attention.
“Then tell her about how you had to deal with your bedwetting issue as a child, due to their neglect and shaming. I doubt she will be discussing your medical issues with your parents anymore, and will likely offer help to deal with your stress and your parents.” ~ QueenMotherOfSneezes
“100% this. But not even out of malicious compliance. It sounds like your friend’s parent is very caring if they thought that they were doing the right thing by reaching out to your parents. It sucks that your parents weren’t caring in response.”
“You need to find a trusted adult who can help you since your parents seem lacking in that department. Talk to for friend’s parent to see if they can help provide you support or connect you with someone that can.”
“If they are a doctor, then they should be able to properly connect you with someone or an organization that can help you with the stress and other issues that you are dealing with. If you are in the US you can call 988 to talk to someone about this and get connected to services as well.” ~ Different_Bee-933
“Your parents sound awful. NTA. So, there’s a big takeaway. Did you notice how your friends didn’t judge you, and her parent, at no point went out of their way to tell you to be embarrassed?”
“That’s called grace. Real parents have it. Real parents smile and help you wash the sheets because accidents happen. Real parents talk to you about what’s going on that caused the accident to happen. They help you through it.”
“Your birth givers are terrible and should be ashamed of how they’re treating you. You have nothing to apologize for. You did nothing wrong.” ~ R4eth
“Stress comes out in bodily forms all the time! I had a friend who would stress cry until she wet her pants during finals week. Your body is trying to cope. Your friend and her mom sound like they genuinely are concerned and care about you. And your parents sound cruel and emotionally abusive. NTA.” ~ Famous_Glove_7905
“Urology nurse here. What you are describing should be investigated with a sleep study.”
“Not waking up when your bladder signals and you wet the bed is a sign something else is going on.”
“Also for the love of god, NTA. Your parents are abusive for not further investigating why bedwetting has continued for as long as it has.” ~ ConstantNurse
“NTA. You’re allowed to tell anyone you want. It’s not your fault your parents are embarrassed and it’s stupid they are telling you to not see her. You’re 18 not 8.”
“My son had this issue. It was a medical issue. He was missing the hormone that tells your kidneys to make less urine at night. Worth looking into!” ~ RemarkableSea6741
“NTA, but your friend’s mum was wrong to speak to your parents about it instead of you directly. I get that they were worried, but bedwetting outside of the usual age range can also be a symptom of trauma and other things that your parents could be complicit in (for all she knows I mean, I don’t mean that that is what’s actually happening).” ~ RickRussellTX
“To be fair, I doubt she thought the parents would shame their child for possibly having a medical problem. For someone who’s probably very open about medical problems to their family it may not have occurred to her. Still her fault, but I don’t think it makes her an awful or sh*tty person.” ~ HarleeQuinn__
“Medical personnel of any sort should know how sensitive personal information can be. NTA but OP should consider talking to the friend’s mom as she will likely be horrified at what her parents did with the information.” ~ gila-monster-42
“OP, my parents were like this too, shaming me for stuff I shared with them, angry about me sharing with others, and then insisting if I’d tell others I had no reason not to tell them.”
“I’ve been out of my parent’s home for 15 years now so I can say this with certainty: parents who want you to hide things are doing something wrong. It’s not always emotional abuse, but it is likely.”
“You’re NTA, and what you tell your friends is not your parent’s business. Make sure your friend tells her mom you got in trouble for that phone call so that it doesn’t happen again. If your parents are embarassed, it’s because they’re not good people and prefer illusion over improvement.” ~ Floating-Cynic
“NTA. They are wondering why you kept a secret from them and are now trying to make you lie to cover THEIR tracks? No wonder you don’t trust them. Your parents suck.” ~ Buffalo-Empty
The subreddit sympathized with this stressed teen and rightfully encouraged her to seek out medical resources to look into her stress levels and bedwetting issues.
We hope she gets into the school of her dreams… and away from those parents as soon as possible. Those stress levels might reduce immediately.