Picking the perfect outfit for a wedding can be time-consuming and stressful.
Everyone wants to look nice, but not too nice because one should never upstage the wedding party.
The process can take weeks.
Now imagine having to find TWO outfits, for two weddings, with the same couple.
Case in point...
Redditor magicmanbutagal discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for leaving my cousin's wedding and taking back my gift because my dress was 'inappropriate?'"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi all! I (18 F[emale]) recently attended my cousin A's (25 F) wedding in Australia."
"Lots went down, and I am getting flack for my dress."
"We are an Indian family, and A's husband M (26 M[ale]) is white."
"So there were two ceremonies, like the Jonas-Chopra wedding."
"They're pretty similar, so I wore a certain dress to the Indian ceremony."
"And to keep with the floral pink theme, I decided I would wear [another] dress to the Christian ceremony."
"A is my favorite cousin and the one I'm closest to, so I decided to go all out with my gift."
"My family got them something, and I added a little envelope with a check for a grand that I had saved from working."
"The ghagra choli was fine for the Indian ceremony, so I figured the dress would, too, because they look similar in color and pattern."
"However, my dress was deemed inappropriate by M's family, and they approached me saying so."
"I thought it was because of the slit, but they all said it looked too pale and unacceptable, even though it was a blush pink with bright, almost neon colors on it."
"I said sorry, but I didn't have another dress suitable enough for a wedding that I could change into, and M's family seemed mad."
"I left it at that and went on with my day."
"The ceremony was beautiful, and I was happy for A and M."
"However, when the wine started flowing at the reception, everything went out of control."
"I was on the dance floor partying it up with family and friends when I felt a splash down my front."
"I looked down, and I almost freaked out because I thought I got shot or something."
"There was this huge red wine stain dripping down my front, and I saw M's sister, mom, and aunt laughing, with M's sister holding a glass."
"I saw red, and that's when I snapped."
"I started yelling about how they ruined a brand-new dress for a stupid reason. They kept laughing, and I saw A giggle and M grin."
"That's when I decided I would leave and take back the check."
"That's when they stopped laughing."
"M started to ask me to stay, and when his family realized how much money was in the envelope, they started to apologize and talk about how that money could be helpful in this economy."
"I left because I felt disrespected."
"Now M, his family, and my parents all say it is bad taste for different reasons."
"My family wants me to keep the peace, but I don't want to give my hard-earned money to horrid people."
"Now I am getting texts, DM's, and Whatsapp, and my phone is just blowing up."
"I refuse to talk to A until she gets her husband to apologize, and she is trying."
"He just won't."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"No bride would want ANY guest to be so disrespected in such a way, quite frankly."
"It's one thing to 'playact' with consent from all parties involved, but another to ruin a dress and make someone the centerpiece of ridicule and embarrassment."
"Those involved need to get over their jealousy and realize they deserve a removed gift. NTA!" ~ StraightBudget8799
"NTA... technically what they did can be considered assault and/ or battery."
"If the wine ruined your dress, it can be considered 'criminal mischief' for intentionally damaging personal property."
"If your family keeps pestering you just say your new wedding gift is to not press charges against your cousin's in-laws." ~ Sea-Ad3724
"NTA - If that's the dress you wore, then they seemed to be overly concerned."
"But if 'A' was laughing/smirking about the wine, maybe she's the one who was upset by it?"
"Regardless, an apology from either of them sounds like it would be meaningless."
"Keep the money and treat yourself." ~ Possible-Plane-756
OP came back with info...
"A thought was like an orchestrated play/dance performance."
"It's super common to have performances like that by your friends and fam at an Indian wedding, so she said she thought it was one of those."
"Still, as soon as she realized I was serious, she tried to help clean up and tried to convince me to stay until the end of the reception."
"Still, she was wearing white, and there was a LOT of red wine (enough to almost turn the front panel from pink to red ), and she's the bride and not supposed to be doing that on her wedding day."
Reddit continued...
"That does clear up who TA is here... and it's not you nor, it seems, your cousin, but rather her husband and his family."
"Maybe if you want, you could use some of the money to take your cousin out for a relaxing spa day or something so she can have a gift that her husband gets no benefit from?" ~ -K_P-
"NTA. Due to your young age, I think you are too naive to realize what really happened that day."
"A was in on it."
"They all felt threatened by your dress and looks."
"To wear a dress like that means having a specific body type combined with your slightly brown skin and long black hair (which most Indian women have)."
"The women on the groom's side felt jealous and insecure and probably felt you were outshining the bride."
"They HUMILIATED you, and A didn't have your back otherwise, you would have seen her screaming at her S[ister] I[n] L[aw]."
"This happens at white weddings when the bride is upset and angry that someone showed up in a white dress."
"Usually the evil narcissistic M[other] I[n] L[aw] or SIL and one of the bridesmaids spills the wine AFTER getting the green light from the bride."
"You really think A's SIL has the balls and audacity to do this WITHOUT consulting the bride first??"
"A giggled? If she truly didn't know this was going to happen, she would look mortified when she saw what happened."
"Her helping you clean up your dress AFTER you took back the envelope is her trying to save face and being nice because none of them expected a little 18-year-old to stand up for herself!"
"You had the last laugh."
"Good luck to your cousin for marrying into this shi**y family with jerks and giant AHs."
"They showed you who they were, believe them."
"Don't reach out to her to give her a spa day."
"Wait till she reaches out to you or her husband apologies to you."
"No apology means no wedding gift!" ~ xxDiamondgirl
"In my opinion, A is just as toxic as her husband."
"Cut her out as well."
"She just wants the money."
"Life is too short to keep toxic people in your life."
"Also, if you want judgment on the dresses."
"As an Indian person whose fiancée is white."
"Both are appropriate dresses."
"They were just a**holes. NTA." ~ Vegetable-Bee-7545
"Your both dresses are gorgeous."
'I wear Lehenga choli all the time, and this is beautiful."
'Your money should be with you."
"Do NOT give these 2 AH any satisfaction of keeping your gift and ruining your dress. NTA." ~ lovesbooksdocs
"A is lying that she thought it was an orchestrated play."
"She realized there was a huge check there, and this was the most plausible crap she could come up with. NTA." ~ monkeywithtwospoons
"NTA. Aussie here."
"That dress us 100% fine."
"Sure, the base colour is quite light, but it's clearly fully patterned."
"If that isn't an acceptable dress to wear to a wedding in Australia then 70% of the guests at Australian summer weddings are AHs." ~ Natural_Garbage7674
"Yep seconding this, as an Aussie who literally got married this past year."
"I would not have batted an eyelid at this dress, it's frankly a completely average and normal dress to wear to a wedding at this time of year."
"Definitely NTA." ~ queenevans
"NTA... but your cousin is going to be in for a rude awakening."
"Her white husband and their family feel it's okay to treat you like this because you're Brown."
"I'm sure A will be facing their ire too if she hasn't already." ~ azzaro253
"NTA. Both outfits were beautiful."
"Get the dress dry-cleaned and ask the wine tossers to pay for it."
"Block them all after they say no." ~ lianavan
OP came back with some deets...
"My age! I am 18, not 19."
"Also, I am from the United States, not Australia, for context!"
"Also, at the Indian ceremony, A wore maroon red (traditional Indian wedding colors) and, to the Christian, a white dress."
"More info: it wasn't a conservative wedding by any means."
"The venue wasn't a church; it was this pretty outdoor botanical garden."
"As for A helping, as soon as she saw my face and reaction, she left to come to help me."
"I left her and walked out, yelling about me taking the money back, and that is when M's family tried to stop me."
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
You don't deserve to be treated in such a way.
It's sad that such a beautiful time ended on such a dark note.
Take care of yourself first.
Good luck with the family.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp