Redditor Arihana_K just had her 18th birthday, and instead of her party being the festive event it was supposed to be, it ended up getting crashed by her mom's friends and a 6-year-old.
The Original Poster (OP) originally had plans to celebrate with her friends, but her mom insisted on not only joining, but inviting her own friends too.
This turned into a bit of a disaster which then led to a fight.
The OP turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for feedback.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my mom not to ever invite her friends again for ruining my birthday party"
She went on to say:
"I [18-year-old Female] recently had my birthday. At first, I was just going to have lunch with my friends at a restaurant."
"But my parents insisted on joining us and celebrating it together with us (even though we were going to celebrate at home as a family anyway)."
"I didn't mind and told them I'd be happy to have everyone together at the party."
"It was all going well until my mom told me she also invited her friends to my birthday party."
"I didn't want them there because I didn't know them well enough and it was just supposed to be people close to me."
"But she was stubborn about inviting them so I suggested that we could have two timings- one for my mom's guests and the other for my friends."
"She agreed to it and it was settled that we will invite her guests at 12 pm while my friends would be there at 2 pm."
"This way, I could spend enough time with my friends and also give enough time to the other guests."
"On the day of the party, none of my mom's guests arrived on time. And only by the time all my friends were there, did they start arriving. I was a bit annoyed but didn't say anything."
"One of the guests' daughter (around 6 years old), wouldn't leave me alone. She clung to me the entire time."
"Her parents insisted on having her cut my cake (I let her do it since she was just a kid who probably wanted to do it for fun)."
"But then, she started smashing the cake with her bare hands, wiping her snot on the new dress I was wearing (which was my birthday gift) and even spat on the food."
"And her parents, instead of disciplining their kid, stopped the music that my friends and I were playing, and played kids' music so that their daughter could 'show us her dance'."
"I didn't get to spend a single second with my friends and by the time they left, everything was a mess. I still kept my cool and thanked everyone, including those parents, for coming to the party."
"Once everyone left, I started crying and I told mom how her guests ruined my birthday and that I hoped I never have to see them again."
"She took it as me blaming her for everything so she started telling me how ungrateful of a child I am and that I didn't even deserve to have a birthday party."
"I don't even know what to tell her anymore."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"'She took it as me blaming her for everything"
"Well, I mean, her guests did ruin everything, so you wouldn't be wrong if you did."
"NTA"
"Your mom's friend's kid (who should never have been at your party in the first place) was a little monster..."
"...and it's completely inappropriate for her to try and seize control of your birthday party." - Baileythenerd
"NTA."
"I totally understand. Your mom insisted on her insensitive friends coming, and they ruined it for you - and then your mom blames YOU for it?"
"If this ever happens again (and it shouldn't- 'remember last time? No thanks. If they show up, I leave'), then make sure your friends are there FIRST..."
"...and then when your parents' friends show up, you can leave."
"Hell, I'm surprised you didn't leave with your friends when it was clear your parents' friends were just ruining everything."
"Kudos on being the more mature person and even thanking them for coming."
"You can tell your mom that you're very disappointed in her."
"Not for the party - maybe she didn't realize her friends were crap, but for how she ignored and dismissed your feelings and made it about herself." - kuken_i_fittan
"NTA, however, I'd caution your approach on this one."
"I'd take this one as a learning experience that your events will be coopted by your mom, so plan whatever events you actually want quite separately from your mom."
"Also, you'll get to learn that people are often late to things, so a 2 hour spacing was never actually going to work out." - Petefriend86
"NTA, and I hope you show your mom this post so she can see just how utterly insensitive and selfish she was to do this and then blame YOU."
"It was your birthday, but she insisted, likely lied, that she changed the times for her guests (HER guests)..."
"...allowed her guests to disrupt and destroy your things and celebration and, instead of praising you for handling it extremely well, attacked you when you were already down."
"Your mother is acting like a narcissist. I hope she genuinely isn't and that showing her all the responses knocks it out of her."
"Sad to say I doubt it, though. These types of people don't change or realize others matter easily." - TabbyTuxedo06
"OP, if you ever decide to have a wedding (or graduation party, baby shower, etc .,) remember this day. If she can't respect your choice of guests, she can find herself uninvited."
"Better to have a small, inexpensive celebration with friends that care for you than a giant one which will be ruined by your mom's friends."
"In the meantime, try to have a calm discussion with your dad."
"Tell him how disappointed you are that your mom completely co-opted your party and made zero effort to keep a six-year-old hellion from ruining your party and your dress."
"Then when your mom isn't invited to the next celebration, he'll know why." - Appalachianwitch17
The OP came back with an update for us:
"Thanks to everyone for your birthday wishes! My friends and I are planning on hanging out pretty soon, and I'm happy we could have a redo party (no parents or six-year-olds this time, lol)."
"Many comments asked about my dad's reaction."
"My dad was against the entire thing when my mom first mentioned inviting her friends."
"But he had to give in since mom was the one paying for most things, and there was no winning an argument with her."
"During the party, he was..well, drunk. Very drunk. And he didn't realize how big of a mess it was. He still thinks that the party went really well lol."
Reddit continued to weigh in:
"NTA. I wish I could give you a hug. So let me break this down if I understand."
"You wanted to have lunch with just you and your friends."
"You were going to have a family dinner that night."
"Your mom asked to tag along. You say yes."
"Your mom asks to invite HER friends. You say no. She says they are coming."
"Already at this point, she has transgressed and ruined your birthday. Anything beyond this is just icing on the 'your mom is an unrepentant narcissist' cake. Which is apt because let's continue."
"You ask for a few hours alone with your friends. She agrees."
"She lied and has them arrive at the same time."
"Her friends bring their small child who they let harass you."
"You are made to let said kid cut your cake."
"The kid ruins your cake. You never get to eat your cake."
"You keep your calm and do not take it out on your guests."
"You only broke down and called her out after you were alone. You are absolutely within your right and your mom is a massive a**."
"She lied; she hijacked your birthday to have a day and party for her and her friends. This was not your party. It was hers." - SKDI_0224
"NTA. Wow, it sounds like your mom made your party about her."
"And then turned it on you and insulted you."
"Is your mom like this normally? Because she may be narcissistic. Her actions certainly were."
"Regardless, you're 18, and you can get the hell away from her. Make your own parties and DON'T invite her. OR her friends." - PuddleLilacAgain
"You didn't have a birthday party. She had a party and used you as an excuse to throw it."
"How on earth would an 18-year-old want random parents, friends (that you don't even know), and small kids there??"
"It's obvious that this was all about her and nothing to do with you."
"What has your dad said about all this?" - HumanityIsBizarre
"NTA. I am sorry you had to go through that. I hope you can leave home soon and go LC with your mum." - Riyokosan
Verdict: definitely not the a**hole.
We feel for this poor teen having such an important party ruined by her mom's carelessness.
Happy belated birthday, OP. We hope the make up party goes off without a hitch.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp